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Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
Page:
Wookiee Monster and Your Honour cautiously stepped off their helicopter, and were mildly surprised to find themselves on top of a submarine.
"This doesn't really look like New York..." YH said, a little worried.
"Ah, but it's good enough." Wookiee answered happily. "Now, did I tell you the one about the blind man who walked into the -"
"Yes, yes, anyway...what have we landed on?"
"-bar?"
"Looks like a...submarine...shouldn't we be underwater then?"
"Ooh, that reminds me, what shivers and lies at the bottom of the sea?"
"Shush...I hear something...sounds like an ambulance," YH was puzzled.
______________________________________
"NEE NAW NEE NAW!!" Rasta continued.
______________________________________
A large grin suddenly spread across YH's face. "Hey, hey," he nudged Wookiee playfully, "where do horses go when they're injured?"
"I don't know," Wookiee replied, giggling in anticipation.
"A HORSPITAL!" YH cried, before exploding with laugher.
"BWA HA HA HA!!" Wookiee soon joined him.
When they had wiped the tears from their eyes and were up on their feet, they decided on a plan."
"Shall we go inside?" Wookiee asked, excitedly.
"We shall," YH replied, before delivering a devestating Camel-Bite to the thigh of Wookiee.
_____________________________________
"Is it the Army?" Meka asked.
"I...don't........know." Grix answered, very slowly, staring up at the ceiling.
Everyone stared at Grix for a while, mystified at his behaviour. Finally, Goatboy broke the silence."
"Well m'lads, even if it is the Army, I say we grab a chair and get ready to smash 'em over the head." Goatboy, Ant, Rasta and the rest of them all picked up a chair, and poised by the door, like cats ready pounce on their prey.
"But I like my chairs..." Meka said quietly, but he wasn't getting through. "Oh fine then, but I get to use the one with the big sticking out nail."
Ant, being the smallest and weakest, was beginning to have worries, "Guys, are you sure we should do this?"
"I...don't........know." Grix answered, still staring up at the ceiling.
"Ah, be quiet Ant, you just haven't had your sugar rations yet today."
"Oh yeah...why is that?"
"Cos we ran out."
Tears brew in Ant's eyes, but he fought them back and readied himself once again.
Meka gave Grix a glance, "Grix...what exactly are you doing?"
"I...don't.......know."
"This doesn't really look like New York..." YH said, a little worried.
"Ah, but it's good enough." Wookiee answered happily. "Now, did I tell you the one about the blind man who walked into the -"
"Yes, yes, anyway...what have we landed on?"
"-bar?"
"Looks like a...submarine...shouldn't we be underwater then?"
"Ooh, that reminds me, what shivers and lies at the bottom of the sea?"
"Shush...I hear something...sounds like an ambulance," YH was puzzled.
______________________________________
"NEE NAW NEE NAW!!" Rasta continued.
______________________________________
A large grin suddenly spread across YH's face. "Hey, hey," he nudged Wookiee playfully, "where do horses go when they're injured?"
"I don't know," Wookiee replied, giggling in anticipation.
"A HORSPITAL!" YH cried, before exploding with laugher.
"BWA HA HA HA!!" Wookiee soon joined him.
When they had wiped the tears from their eyes and were up on their feet, they decided on a plan."
"Shall we go inside?" Wookiee asked, excitedly.
"We shall," YH replied, before delivering a devestating Camel-Bite to the thigh of Wookiee.
_____________________________________
"Is it the Army?" Meka asked.
"I...don't........know." Grix answered, very slowly, staring up at the ceiling.
Everyone stared at Grix for a while, mystified at his behaviour. Finally, Goatboy broke the silence."
"Well m'lads, even if it is the Army, I say we grab a chair and get ready to smash 'em over the head." Goatboy, Ant, Rasta and the rest of them all picked up a chair, and poised by the door, like cats ready pounce on their prey.
"But I like my chairs..." Meka said quietly, but he wasn't getting through. "Oh fine then, but I get to use the one with the big sticking out nail."
Ant, being the smallest and weakest, was beginning to have worries, "Guys, are you sure we should do this?"
"I...don't........know." Grix answered, still staring up at the ceiling.
"Ah, be quiet Ant, you just haven't had your sugar rations yet today."
"Oh yeah...why is that?"
"Cos we ran out."
Tears brew in Ant's eyes, but he fought them back and readied himself once again.
Meka gave Grix a glance, "Grix...what exactly are you doing?"
"I...don't.......know."
"Oh crap." said er-no.
The truck driver beamed.
"Thats right! It's me!"
"Oh crap."
The truck driver bent down and picked er-no up. He walked towards the truck in a jolly bouncing manner.
"Long time no see, eh?" said the truck driver.
"Oh crap."
"Thats the ticket."
The truck driver threw er-no into the cab, and hauled himself up, scattering fast food boxes into the road. Er-no groaned a bit.
"Whats up laddybuck? Want some food!" This wasn't a question, by the looks of things.
"Oh crap."
--
"That helicopter sound could be a helicopter, you know." commented Meka.
"Nee Naw Nee Naw." added Rasta, helpfully.
"Helicopter, Rasta. Not ambulance."
Grix stood up. At this, Rasta sprung into the air too. He bounced around the room happily. Grix had to yell to be heard over the sound of the helicopter, and some of the words couldn't be heard in a comical fashion.
"SHALL GO SEE IS?"
" AT?" yelled Ant
"MAYBE HAVE KED WOMAN?" added Goatboy.
"WHAT OING WITH AN?" asked Grix.
" CK EM IDEWAYS!" yelled Goatboy cheerfully.
There was a short silence while they all considered this.
"NEE NAW NEE NAW!" yelled Rasta. There was a clunking sound, and the helicopter blades stopped.
"You know, that sounds like the helicopter sound has stopped being a helicopter sound and has landed on our submarine."
"Like Sean Connery?" asked Rasta.
"He piloted a sub, Rasta. In a film."
"My uncle was in a film." noted Rasta.
"What did he play?"
"5th Ewok."
"Ah.
The truck driver beamed.
"Thats right! It's me!"
"Oh crap."
The truck driver bent down and picked er-no up. He walked towards the truck in a jolly bouncing manner.
"Long time no see, eh?" said the truck driver.
"Oh crap."
"Thats the ticket."
The truck driver threw er-no into the cab, and hauled himself up, scattering fast food boxes into the road. Er-no groaned a bit.
"Whats up laddybuck? Want some food!" This wasn't a question, by the looks of things.
"Oh crap."
--
"That helicopter sound could be a helicopter, you know." commented Meka.
"Nee Naw Nee Naw." added Rasta, helpfully.
"Helicopter, Rasta. Not ambulance."
Grix stood up. At this, Rasta sprung into the air too. He bounced around the room happily. Grix had to yell to be heard over the sound of the helicopter, and some of the words couldn't be heard in a comical fashion.
"SHALL GO SEE IS?"
" AT?" yelled Ant
"MAYBE HAVE KED WOMAN?" added Goatboy.
"WHAT OING WITH AN?" asked Grix.
" CK EM IDEWAYS!" yelled Goatboy cheerfully.
There was a short silence while they all considered this.
"NEE NAW NEE NAW!" yelled Rasta. There was a clunking sound, and the helicopter blades stopped.
"You know, that sounds like the helicopter sound has stopped being a helicopter sound and has landed on our submarine."
"Like Sean Connery?" asked Rasta.
"He piloted a sub, Rasta. In a film."
"My uncle was in a film." noted Rasta.
"What did he play?"
"5th Ewok."
"Ah.
The gang of six sat around the cramped table in the sub.
“So,” said Grix, trying to break the ice. “what were you guys looking for out there on the boat?”
Goatboy looked around, as if he wasn’t sure who would be listening, then lent over the table. “There are strange things afoot here.”
Rasta looked at his foot. “Toejam? Mmmm, fishfingers.”
Goatboy ignored him. “We were being paid by a secret government agency to monitor this area for activity in the water, of course, we weren’t expecting a bloody big sub to come up and smash my friggin boat.”
“Hey!” said Meka, “We said we were sorry.”
“And you never bring pizza either, Brian.” Said Rasta.
“Anyway,” continued Goatboy after retaining his composure. “We are checking all around these coasts after strange lights being sighted in the water and some disappearances of a few important navy ships.”
“At least the weather is nice.” Said Meka after coming back down the ladder which led to the hatch. He was carrying a box from the wreckage of the ship.
“What do you expect in Hawaii?” said Ant. “Anyway, I expect that’s the army come to check up on us.”
They all listened to the sound of the helicopter, now directly overhead.
Meanwhile…
The desert zoomed past behind the rider as he drove his hog through the heat, passed sand dunes and long, long stretches of road. Some American rock played in the background, or more accurately in the headphones of the rider as he rushed nearer to his destination.
Er-no had been enjoying the peace and quiet of a relaxing life, hiding away from various nefarious people he had the misfortune to have met, the US was big enough to hide him for now, but he missed the UK and eventually he found himself booking a flight back to the cold, wet country. So here he was, riding the long distance to the airport and minding his own business. He was so caught up in the music that he didn’t see the truck swerving across the road.
It all happened in a flash and Er-no found himself skidding along in the dirt, trying to stop the bike from going any further. The driver of the truck got out and ran towards him.
“What the hell do you think you were doing back there?” shouted the injured Er-no. Then he looked up at the driver’s face.
“So,” said Grix, trying to break the ice. “what were you guys looking for out there on the boat?”
Goatboy looked around, as if he wasn’t sure who would be listening, then lent over the table. “There are strange things afoot here.”
Rasta looked at his foot. “Toejam? Mmmm, fishfingers.”
Goatboy ignored him. “We were being paid by a secret government agency to monitor this area for activity in the water, of course, we weren’t expecting a bloody big sub to come up and smash my friggin boat.”
“Hey!” said Meka, “We said we were sorry.”
“And you never bring pizza either, Brian.” Said Rasta.
“Anyway,” continued Goatboy after retaining his composure. “We are checking all around these coasts after strange lights being sighted in the water and some disappearances of a few important navy ships.”
“At least the weather is nice.” Said Meka after coming back down the ladder which led to the hatch. He was carrying a box from the wreckage of the ship.
“What do you expect in Hawaii?” said Ant. “Anyway, I expect that’s the army come to check up on us.”
They all listened to the sound of the helicopter, now directly overhead.
Meanwhile…
The desert zoomed past behind the rider as he drove his hog through the heat, passed sand dunes and long, long stretches of road. Some American rock played in the background, or more accurately in the headphones of the rider as he rushed nearer to his destination.
Er-no had been enjoying the peace and quiet of a relaxing life, hiding away from various nefarious people he had the misfortune to have met, the US was big enough to hide him for now, but he missed the UK and eventually he found himself booking a flight back to the cold, wet country. So here he was, riding the long distance to the airport and minding his own business. He was so caught up in the music that he didn’t see the truck swerving across the road.
It all happened in a flash and Er-no found himself skidding along in the dirt, trying to stop the bike from going any further. The driver of the truck got out and ran towards him.
“What the hell do you think you were doing back there?” shouted the injured Er-no. Then he looked up at the driver’s face.
'Who are they? Do they really have pizza?' Sniper called up to RBS who was closing his head against the hatch to see what would happen.
'Stranger one and stranger two, but they don't have pizza'.
'Well, its our fault they are both trying to live on a plank' Grix answered.
'Dont care Tim, they can't enter into my car,' screamed RBS
'You complete hippies smashed my boat up, and you nearly killed me' Goatboy screamed across the waves.
'Yeah, and you nearly killed me you id....'
'...nobody cares about you Ant right now, I seriously could have been killed and would have never had the pleasure of womens company again!'
'There are women in Heaven though Goaty' Ant replied.
'Uhuh, and you think I am going to go there.... oh, doesn't matter.'
'Meka, should we let these pizza men on?' RBS asked
'Why do I have to answer? Actually, let me see if I can call my wife from up their on the surface! Let them aboard...'
(the faint sound of a helicopter is heard in the distance)
'Stranger one and stranger two, but they don't have pizza'.
'Well, its our fault they are both trying to live on a plank' Grix answered.
'Dont care Tim, they can't enter into my car,' screamed RBS
'You complete hippies smashed my boat up, and you nearly killed me' Goatboy screamed across the waves.
'Yeah, and you nearly killed me you id....'
'...nobody cares about you Ant right now, I seriously could have been killed and would have never had the pleasure of womens company again!'
'There are women in Heaven though Goaty' Ant replied.
'Uhuh, and you think I am going to go there.... oh, doesn't matter.'
'Meka, should we let these pizza men on?' RBS asked
'Why do I have to answer? Actually, let me see if I can call my wife from up their on the surface! Let them aboard...'
(the faint sound of a helicopter is heard in the distance)
SHEEPY wrote:
> Ant with his pulsating wrist muscles...
LOL!
~Z~Z~Z~
> The Tsunami came washing over them,
Ooo subtle :-D
Keep this one going guys, it rules :-D
> Ant with his pulsating wrist muscles...
LOL!
~Z~Z~Z~
> The Tsunami came washing over them,
Ooo subtle :-D
Keep this one going guys, it rules :-D
"I really hated that film,” snapped Goatboy. "Too much water, not enough boobs".
Meanwhile Ant with his pulsating wrist muscles turned the wheel as fast as he could...
"Y'know, it just would have been great if it was full of topless women and less men in hats, smoking cigars".
The boat skimmed past the iceberg... just missing a near collision.
"That was close, well done Anty boy"
"I quite liked Titanic" replied Ant "Not enough boob though, I had to keep pausing at that painting scene... errr not that I did as God watches me you know"
-----------
Meanwhile the crew on the submarine seemed to be pinned to the floor by the amazing forces of Physics...
"Rasta?" said Grix
"Yes Tim?"
"I never knew submarines could fly"
"They can't" replied Meka
"Well why are we in the ai-"
SPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLOOOOSSSSSSH
The crew flew up in the air, cracking their heads off the roof. It seemed to knock Sniper unconscious.
"Is Sniper dead?" asked Grix
"OW OW OW... I hurt my nose,” whimpered Meka
"Again, again, again" shouted Rasta
-----------
Goatboy lit his pipe and smiled smuggly at Ant who was turning the ship back around.
"Yep, that was a close one m'lad. Important thing is that we're okay, right Ant?"
"Ant?... ANT?"
Ant screamed as the 30ft wave, which the submarine had created, headed towards them...
"Where's the boobs in that eh?" said Goatboy
The Tsunami came washing over them, leaving only planks off wood from the boat. They yelled for help for a good few minutes before Rasta opened the hatch:
"Are you the pizza delivery people?"
Meanwhile Ant with his pulsating wrist muscles turned the wheel as fast as he could...
"Y'know, it just would have been great if it was full of topless women and less men in hats, smoking cigars".
The boat skimmed past the iceberg... just missing a near collision.
"That was close, well done Anty boy"
"I quite liked Titanic" replied Ant "Not enough boob though, I had to keep pausing at that painting scene... errr not that I did as God watches me you know"
-----------
Meanwhile the crew on the submarine seemed to be pinned to the floor by the amazing forces of Physics...
"Rasta?" said Grix
"Yes Tim?"
"I never knew submarines could fly"
"They can't" replied Meka
"Well why are we in the ai-"
SPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLOOOOSSSSSSH
The crew flew up in the air, cracking their heads off the roof. It seemed to knock Sniper unconscious.
"Is Sniper dead?" asked Grix
"OW OW OW... I hurt my nose,” whimpered Meka
"Again, again, again" shouted Rasta
-----------
Goatboy lit his pipe and smiled smuggly at Ant who was turning the ship back around.
"Yep, that was a close one m'lad. Important thing is that we're okay, right Ant?"
"Ant?... ANT?"
Ant screamed as the 30ft wave, which the submarine had created, headed towards them...
"Where's the boobs in that eh?" said Goatboy
The Tsunami came washing over them, leaving only planks off wood from the boat. They yelled for help for a good few minutes before Rasta opened the hatch:
"Are you the pizza delivery people?"
"So what does this switch do?" asked Sniper
"That's the lightswitch" replied Grix.
"And this one?"
"Towel rail heater."
"And this one?"
"Not sure. Probably best to leave tha-"
WHOOOMPH!
The crew found themselves flung to the floor as the submarine shuddered violently. Only Rasta didn't fall over, but then that had a lot to do with the fact he was already lying down.
"That was the Emergency Main Ballast Blast!" RBS shouted above the deafening roar of the lurching submarine. "We're surfacing at top speed!"
"Wasn't it a bit of a careless design to put it next to the light switch?" inquired Meka.
"Yeah" replied RBS "We also had problems with the main hatch pull being next to the chain for the toilet. Not sure who designed this thing."
"How does a toilet work on a submarine anyway?" asked Grix.
--------------
Back on the white speedboat, Ant gazed up into the sun. His mother had always told him not to look directly at the sun, or else he would go blind. Then again, she'd said that about other things too, and he hadn't gone blind yet. Ant was quickly woken from his daydreaming by Goatboy yelling at the top of his lungs...
"SNAP OUT OF IT AND GET THIS DAMN THING MOVING YOU LAZY GIT!"
Ant snapped into action, his reflexes honed to perfection by years of not wanting to get caught in the act. He shifted up a gear and let fly with the throttle.
"No good cap'n, they're surfacing too fast!"
As he spoke, the sea around them erupted into a volcano of water as the sub surfaced. By the grace of god, the speedboat was just fast enough to avoid a collision which would have certainly been fatal. Looking behind them as they sped away from the scene of their near-disiaster, they could barely believe what they were seeing.
"Is it supposed to jump twenty feet out of the water like that?" asked Ant
"I'm not sure" replied Goatboy, turning towards the front of the boat to speak to Ant. His view was greeted by the unwelcome sight of a rapidly expanding whiteness directly in front of the boat.
"ICEBERG!"
"That's the lightswitch" replied Grix.
"And this one?"
"Towel rail heater."
"And this one?"
"Not sure. Probably best to leave tha-"
WHOOOMPH!
The crew found themselves flung to the floor as the submarine shuddered violently. Only Rasta didn't fall over, but then that had a lot to do with the fact he was already lying down.
"That was the Emergency Main Ballast Blast!" RBS shouted above the deafening roar of the lurching submarine. "We're surfacing at top speed!"
"Wasn't it a bit of a careless design to put it next to the light switch?" inquired Meka.
"Yeah" replied RBS "We also had problems with the main hatch pull being next to the chain for the toilet. Not sure who designed this thing."
"How does a toilet work on a submarine anyway?" asked Grix.
--------------
Back on the white speedboat, Ant gazed up into the sun. His mother had always told him not to look directly at the sun, or else he would go blind. Then again, she'd said that about other things too, and he hadn't gone blind yet. Ant was quickly woken from his daydreaming by Goatboy yelling at the top of his lungs...
"SNAP OUT OF IT AND GET THIS DAMN THING MOVING YOU LAZY GIT!"
Ant snapped into action, his reflexes honed to perfection by years of not wanting to get caught in the act. He shifted up a gear and let fly with the throttle.
"No good cap'n, they're surfacing too fast!"
As he spoke, the sea around them erupted into a volcano of water as the sub surfaced. By the grace of god, the speedboat was just fast enough to avoid a collision which would have certainly been fatal. Looking behind them as they sped away from the scene of their near-disiaster, they could barely believe what they were seeing.
"Is it supposed to jump twenty feet out of the water like that?" asked Ant
"I'm not sure" replied Goatboy, turning towards the front of the boat to speak to Ant. His view was greeted by the unwelcome sight of a rapidly expanding whiteness directly in front of the boat.
"ICEBERG!"
"So, you see, "said Grix to everyone and no-one, "if we surface we can use this stick and Meka's woolly jumper to go fishing..."
Meka looked down at his now unravelled jumper, which once had a picture of a dragon on it. "I still don't see why I had to use my jumper when there was a perfectly good piece of string over there that would have done the trick."
"Um.." said Grix as he noticed the string for the first time.
"You're all gay." said Sniper, now having given up on Snake and playing increasingly annoying ring-tones over and over again.
==================
Up above the sub, in a large white speedboat, several characters were examining a large monitor display.
"Are you sure, private?"
"Yes, as mad as it seems, I seem to be picking up The Ketchup Song on the radar."
"Hm." Thought captain Goatboy as he looked at the strange wavey lines on the display. He trusted Private Ant's judgement entirely, but...well...so far he'd reported Greensleeves, Happy Christmas and What's Your Flavour, not to mention the radar appearing to play a very basic version of Snake.
Still, they had taken the deal to check out the marine area in Goatboy's boat and they'd certainly been payed enough money to do it, so it was only fair that he should investigate this.
"Ok, Mr Ant, what's it doing now?"
"Well..." said Ant, with some trepidation, "..it's rising."
"OK. Where abouts?"
"Er...Right underneath us Sir...."
Meka looked down at his now unravelled jumper, which once had a picture of a dragon on it. "I still don't see why I had to use my jumper when there was a perfectly good piece of string over there that would have done the trick."
"Um.." said Grix as he noticed the string for the first time.
"You're all gay." said Sniper, now having given up on Snake and playing increasingly annoying ring-tones over and over again.
==================
Up above the sub, in a large white speedboat, several characters were examining a large monitor display.
"Are you sure, private?"
"Yes, as mad as it seems, I seem to be picking up The Ketchup Song on the radar."
"Hm." Thought captain Goatboy as he looked at the strange wavey lines on the display. He trusted Private Ant's judgement entirely, but...well...so far he'd reported Greensleeves, Happy Christmas and What's Your Flavour, not to mention the radar appearing to play a very basic version of Snake.
Still, they had taken the deal to check out the marine area in Goatboy's boat and they'd certainly been payed enough money to do it, so it was only fair that he should investigate this.
"Ok, Mr Ant, what's it doing now?"
"Well..." said Ant, with some trepidation, "..it's rising."
"OK. Where abouts?"
"Er...Right underneath us Sir...."
½pint wrote:
> Dammit, this will win GAD. How do you come up with such genius?! :-D
Well done :-D.
> Dammit, this will win GAD. How do you come up with such genius?! :-D
Well done :-D.
Sniper rocked back and forth on the chair wailing about his missing phone
" That really really really hurt Meka, I'm telling your mum "
" Grix... "
" Yes comrade? "
" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP... I only went for a pint to meet the locals, now I'm stuck in a submarine somewhere in the world with a captain thats had too many smarties and I have one hell of a hangover "
Meka began to band his head off the wall
DURRRM DUUUURRRM DUUURRRM
" I know you're under a lot of stress so I'll forgive that last comment "
----------
Grix stood up and put his hands on his hips
" Captain Sir? "
" fibble "
" Where exactly are we going? "
" Place "
" Place... where about is this place? "
" The kitchen "
DRRRRUUUUUM
Meka continued to mash his face off the wall
" No where is this submarine going? Surely we have instructions from Generals and stuff? " sighed Grix
" sphlar ghan no instructions Henry... just food, we go to place to have plaice boyo blofo? "
DRRRRRRRRUUUUMMM
" WHERES MY PHONE? " shouted Sniper
" I CAUGHT A FISH I CAUGHT A FISH " shouted Rasta " Oh it's just a shoe "
" Give me my shoe back you mashed rodent " cracked Meka
" NO ITS FISH... SEE WE CAN HAVE SOLE AT THE PLAICE "
------
Grix wasn't sure what to do. There was Meka smashing his head off the wall with only one show on. Rasta was hiding in the corner eating show laces and Sniper was shouting phone over and over again:
" Right everyone shut up... let's go have something to eat " said Grix calmly. " Rasta go tell the ships chefs to cook something"
" Can't George "
Grix's eye began to twitch
" Why not? "
" No chef... only as hungry hippo's in the yellow submarine, yellow submarine "
" Only us? You mean there is nobody else on the submarine? Who's driving the thing? Who'll clean the toilets? They'll be no navy boys... that's the reason I signed up. "
DRRRRRUUUUUUMMM
" That really really really hurt Meka, I'm telling your mum "
" Grix... "
" Yes comrade? "
" SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP... I only went for a pint to meet the locals, now I'm stuck in a submarine somewhere in the world with a captain thats had too many smarties and I have one hell of a hangover "
Meka began to band his head off the wall
DURRRM DUUUURRRM DUUURRRM
" I know you're under a lot of stress so I'll forgive that last comment "
----------
Grix stood up and put his hands on his hips
" Captain Sir? "
" fibble "
" Where exactly are we going? "
" Place "
" Place... where about is this place? "
" The kitchen "
DRRRRUUUUUM
Meka continued to mash his face off the wall
" No where is this submarine going? Surely we have instructions from Generals and stuff? " sighed Grix
" sphlar ghan no instructions Henry... just food, we go to place to have plaice boyo blofo? "
DRRRRRRRRUUUUMMM
" WHERES MY PHONE? " shouted Sniper
" I CAUGHT A FISH I CAUGHT A FISH " shouted Rasta " Oh it's just a shoe "
" Give me my shoe back you mashed rodent " cracked Meka
" NO ITS FISH... SEE WE CAN HAVE SOLE AT THE PLAICE "
------
Grix wasn't sure what to do. There was Meka smashing his head off the wall with only one show on. Rasta was hiding in the corner eating show laces and Sniper was shouting phone over and over again:
" Right everyone shut up... let's go have something to eat " said Grix calmly. " Rasta go tell the ships chefs to cook something"
" Can't George "
Grix's eye began to twitch
" Why not? "
" No chef... only as hungry hippo's in the yellow submarine, yellow submarine "
" Only us? You mean there is nobody else on the submarine? Who's driving the thing? Who'll clean the toilets? They'll be no navy boys... that's the reason I signed up. "
DRRRRRUUUUUUMMM
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