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Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
Page:
They all looked at the sign. Then they looked at each other.
"Look like a supermarket to you?" asked Meka, to Grix. They could well be the only ones this side of sane. Probably. But not for definite yet. My money's on Meka to snap and start calling himself Michael Myers.
Could be Grix though.
"Looks like an army camp to me, Jim."
"Duly noted, Rasta." muttered Grix. "There's a noticeable absence of army personnel per se, wouldn't you agree?"
"Could be hiding, Bob."
Grix looked around. There was one bush in sight. Rasta grinned triumphantly.
"Rasta, there is not an army hiding behind that bush. It's 2 feet tall."
"They could be bonsai soldiers, Jim. I'm going to go prune them."
YH and Wookiee were howling with laughter over a joke that the author can't remember because he's run out of corny bad jokes. That aren't racist.
Rasta ambled over using his big ape-hands as support, and lifted up the bush. There was one bloke crouching behind it, smoking something.
"Told you Dave! Never mind the shrimps!"
"Rasta, you're starting to sound like the Daily Telegraph crossword. Shut up. Who are you, strange smoking man?" asked Meka.
"Sod off."
Grix looked at Meka. Meka looked at Grix. Goatboy shouted something from behind them.
"Is it a lady?"
"No."
"Is she naked?"
"It's not a lady."
"But is she naked?"
"No."
"Gay." said Sniper.
Meka turned back to the strange new bloke.
"Whats your name?"
--
"Look like a supermarket to you?" asked Meka, to Grix. They could well be the only ones this side of sane. Probably. But not for definite yet. My money's on Meka to snap and start calling himself Michael Myers.
Could be Grix though.
"Looks like an army camp to me, Jim."
"Duly noted, Rasta." muttered Grix. "There's a noticeable absence of army personnel per se, wouldn't you agree?"
"Could be hiding, Bob."
Grix looked around. There was one bush in sight. Rasta grinned triumphantly.
"Rasta, there is not an army hiding behind that bush. It's 2 feet tall."
"They could be bonsai soldiers, Jim. I'm going to go prune them."
YH and Wookiee were howling with laughter over a joke that the author can't remember because he's run out of corny bad jokes. That aren't racist.
Rasta ambled over using his big ape-hands as support, and lifted up the bush. There was one bloke crouching behind it, smoking something.
"Told you Dave! Never mind the shrimps!"
"Rasta, you're starting to sound like the Daily Telegraph crossword. Shut up. Who are you, strange smoking man?" asked Meka.
"Sod off."
Grix looked at Meka. Meka looked at Grix. Goatboy shouted something from behind them.
"Is it a lady?"
"No."
"Is she naked?"
"It's not a lady."
"But is she naked?"
"No."
"Gay." said Sniper.
Meka turned back to the strange new bloke.
"Whats your name?"
--
"We're going shopping?" Asked Ant.
"Whereabouts? The Great SuperMarket In The Sky?" Scoffed Meka.
"It's ok, we'll find one."
So the helicopter fell into silence. Goatboy tried to say "boob" to lightem to mood, but his face was pressed against the window, so he ended up dribbling on himself instead.
They flew, and flew some more. All in all it was the most boring part of the journey, so the author won't repeat it. Instead, he'll jump straight to the part where they crash...
"Woah!"
The helicopter crashed into the ground. Meka had been trying to land it, and was doing a good job until Wookiee, laughing to hard, had fallen into his lap.
Lukcily for them, the helicopter had only been 10 feet off the ground when the accident happened, so they all had time to climb free before it exploded. All except Sniper.
"This is gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!" was heard, as Sniper was launched into the air by the explosion. It's ok though, he came back down. And landed on his face.
The group stood and watched for a moment, as the ostrich like Sniper wiggled around a bit and tried to free his head from the concrete. He finally managed it, smoothed his hair down, and walked back over to the group.
"Gay."
Grix felt a sudden bowel movement, saw some trees a little way away, and ran off with the faint words "Can't hold it...." drifting back to the group.
After a minute or so, there was a very audible, satisfied "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh" coming from the trees. After a few more minutes, Grix returned with a large smile on his face. He was walking slightly more upright as well...
The group turned to see where they had landed. A building was behind them, with the word TESCO in big bright letters on the side...
"Whereabouts? The Great SuperMarket In The Sky?" Scoffed Meka.
"It's ok, we'll find one."
So the helicopter fell into silence. Goatboy tried to say "boob" to lightem to mood, but his face was pressed against the window, so he ended up dribbling on himself instead.
They flew, and flew some more. All in all it was the most boring part of the journey, so the author won't repeat it. Instead, he'll jump straight to the part where they crash...
"Woah!"
The helicopter crashed into the ground. Meka had been trying to land it, and was doing a good job until Wookiee, laughing to hard, had fallen into his lap.
Lukcily for them, the helicopter had only been 10 feet off the ground when the accident happened, so they all had time to climb free before it exploded. All except Sniper.
"This is gaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!" was heard, as Sniper was launched into the air by the explosion. It's ok though, he came back down. And landed on his face.
The group stood and watched for a moment, as the ostrich like Sniper wiggled around a bit and tried to free his head from the concrete. He finally managed it, smoothed his hair down, and walked back over to the group.
"Gay."
Grix felt a sudden bowel movement, saw some trees a little way away, and ran off with the faint words "Can't hold it...." drifting back to the group.
After a minute or so, there was a very audible, satisfied "Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh" coming from the trees. After a few more minutes, Grix returned with a large smile on his face. He was walking slightly more upright as well...
The group turned to see where they had landed. A building was behind them, with the word TESCO in big bright letters on the side...
'Who the hell are all of you? Ah crap, I recognise most of you and you were the reason I went to America!' er-no claimed.
'Pardon?' Goatboy answered.
'Well, I saw in a dream that you guys inspire me and I go so far as to get band from some place and I have to leave, its ok because I was told that I will return and become a wee-stained one... or something'
'Look, shutup' Meka told er-no
'I know all of your names, and so does this muppet Stryke, so don't introduce us, actually, I think the narrator has forgotten who is in this helicopter...'
Ant creeps up behind er-no to push him out of the helicopter back into the sea, RBS vibrates violently around the passenger compartment and knocks Ant onto his knees giving er-no enough time to move out of the way.
'Grow up Ant, leave er-no alone' Stryke protested
'Where are we going then again?' YH asked Grix
'To get the items on our shopping list, except the items RBS picked....'
The wireless in the helicopter scratched through, a faint voice was heard, Meka thought it was his wife.... it faded out soon after
The helicopter flew across the blue ocean, Ant practised wrestling with himself, er-no tried to hotwire RBS, RBS was slapping his face from left to right, Sheepy was asking Goatboy about naked gurls, Wookie and YH were sharing pathetic jokes, and Grix... well Grix was dreaming a dream and flying the helicopter, Sniper was trying to find the red button and Meka was staring at the wireless for a furthur transmission.
'Pardon?' Goatboy answered.
'Well, I saw in a dream that you guys inspire me and I go so far as to get band from some place and I have to leave, its ok because I was told that I will return and become a wee-stained one... or something'
'Look, shutup' Meka told er-no
'I know all of your names, and so does this muppet Stryke, so don't introduce us, actually, I think the narrator has forgotten who is in this helicopter...'
Ant creeps up behind er-no to push him out of the helicopter back into the sea, RBS vibrates violently around the passenger compartment and knocks Ant onto his knees giving er-no enough time to move out of the way.
'Grow up Ant, leave er-no alone' Stryke protested
'Where are we going then again?' YH asked Grix
'To get the items on our shopping list, except the items RBS picked....'
The wireless in the helicopter scratched through, a faint voice was heard, Meka thought it was his wife.... it faded out soon after
The helicopter flew across the blue ocean, Ant practised wrestling with himself, er-no tried to hotwire RBS, RBS was slapping his face from left to right, Sheepy was asking Goatboy about naked gurls, Wookie and YH were sharing pathetic jokes, and Grix... well Grix was dreaming a dream and flying the helicopter, Sniper was trying to find the red button and Meka was staring at the wireless for a furthur transmission.
"Doctor doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my butt!" YH cried.
"Let me get some cream for that, and it'll come out a treat!" Wookiee answered, before once again bursting into hysterics with laughter along with his compatriot.
"Hey, hey, you!" Ant said, pointing at them.
"What?"
"I've got a joke, you'll love it. What did the policeman say to his stomach?"
Wookiee and YH looked unsure, "...what did he say?"
Ant beamed as he paused before the massive punchline, "...you're under a vest!!!!" BWA HA HA HA!!!!!!!"
Ant looked up at Wookiee and YH, and to his unmeasurable dissapointment, saw that they were frowning.
"What's your name again?" YH asked coldly.
"Ant," He replied quietly.
"Don't tell anymore jokes, that was crap."
Ant turned, and grumbled under his breath, "better than any of yours..."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?" Wookiee exploded at the insult, and stood over Ant like a demon out of Hell.
"We're about to crash into the sea."
"No, you did not say that...oh, wait." Wookiee took a quick glance out of the window, and then turned back. "I see your point."
"RASTA!! PULL THE STICK BACK!!" Grix cried.
"Well Grix, you could do it," Meka pointed out.
"What?"
"Well, I mean, you're just sitting there counting your toes..."
Grix sighed, and then got to his feet and shoved Rasta out of the way who was for some reason foaming from the mouth. He pulled the lever back, and they skimmed the water before entering back into the welcoming realms of the open air.
"D'you think we should get those guys from the ship too?" SHEEPY asked.
Meka cautiously opened the door, and shouted out to the two men, "need some help!?"
"OH CRAP!" Came the cry from one of them.
"No need to be rude."
Meka threw the rope ladder down, and the 'rude' one scampered up to the Helicopter before screaming, "GO GO GO!!"
"But there's still someone down there, we'll leave him behind..."
"GO GO GO GO GO!!!" er-no replied.
"Let me get some cream for that, and it'll come out a treat!" Wookiee answered, before once again bursting into hysterics with laughter along with his compatriot.
"Hey, hey, you!" Ant said, pointing at them.
"What?"
"I've got a joke, you'll love it. What did the policeman say to his stomach?"
Wookiee and YH looked unsure, "...what did he say?"
Ant beamed as he paused before the massive punchline, "...you're under a vest!!!!" BWA HA HA HA!!!!!!!"
Ant looked up at Wookiee and YH, and to his unmeasurable dissapointment, saw that they were frowning.
"What's your name again?" YH asked coldly.
"Ant," He replied quietly.
"Don't tell anymore jokes, that was crap."
Ant turned, and grumbled under his breath, "better than any of yours..."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?" Wookiee exploded at the insult, and stood over Ant like a demon out of Hell.
"We're about to crash into the sea."
"No, you did not say that...oh, wait." Wookiee took a quick glance out of the window, and then turned back. "I see your point."
"RASTA!! PULL THE STICK BACK!!" Grix cried.
"Well Grix, you could do it," Meka pointed out.
"What?"
"Well, I mean, you're just sitting there counting your toes..."
Grix sighed, and then got to his feet and shoved Rasta out of the way who was for some reason foaming from the mouth. He pulled the lever back, and they skimmed the water before entering back into the welcoming realms of the open air.
"D'you think we should get those guys from the ship too?" SHEEPY asked.
Meka cautiously opened the door, and shouted out to the two men, "need some help!?"
"OH CRAP!" Came the cry from one of them.
"No need to be rude."
Meka threw the rope ladder down, and the 'rude' one scampered up to the Helicopter before screaming, "GO GO GO!!"
"But there's still someone down there, we'll leave him behind..."
"GO GO GO GO GO!!!" er-no replied.
"No." said a voice behind them. "I remember how it all happened, you're all getting far too drunk."
They turned to see Fantasymeister towering above them, a pint already in his hand. He sat at the table and they all waited for him to continue the story.
"Well. After Grix and Sniper had got into the helicoptor...."
++++++++++++++++++++
Grix looked around to see Goatboy waving his arms and running towards the helicopter.
"I can't take any more, let me in!" he said, motioning to the rapidly advancing figure of Rasta.
"Hey, dave, don't get on the elephant without your trunk."
Grix let Goatboy in and before he knew it they were all piled in to the helicoptor. They started to fly across the sea, with Meka driving and constantly swearing at the noisy rabble behind him. He found a tape deck in the panel and pulled an REM tape out from his jacket.
After a while everyone had settled down, well, they'd stopped throwing things and were now all singing Everybody Hurts at the top of their voices, but at least they were still. That was when Sniper spotted a figure in the water below them.
"Hey, look at that bloke waving at us. He looks gay."
The bloke was not, in fact, waving, but (as Meka saw) had been trying to escape his fast sinking dingy. Meka turned the copter around and flew down to pick him up.
"Er!" said Rasta. "He's all wettified."
"Hi!" said Grix. "And you are?"
"Sheepy, thanks for saving me."
"No problem." sai Goatboy as he felt his face being pushed against the glass from the sheer volume of passengers.
"Hey!" said Ant. "Want to see some wrestling moves?"
+++++++++++++++
"And that's where my part comes in..." said Stryke, obviously having consumed far too many units of alcohol as usual.
They turned to see Fantasymeister towering above them, a pint already in his hand. He sat at the table and they all waited for him to continue the story.
"Well. After Grix and Sniper had got into the helicoptor...."
++++++++++++++++++++
Grix looked around to see Goatboy waving his arms and running towards the helicopter.
"I can't take any more, let me in!" he said, motioning to the rapidly advancing figure of Rasta.
"Hey, dave, don't get on the elephant without your trunk."
Grix let Goatboy in and before he knew it they were all piled in to the helicoptor. They started to fly across the sea, with Meka driving and constantly swearing at the noisy rabble behind him. He found a tape deck in the panel and pulled an REM tape out from his jacket.
After a while everyone had settled down, well, they'd stopped throwing things and were now all singing Everybody Hurts at the top of their voices, but at least they were still. That was when Sniper spotted a figure in the water below them.
"Hey, look at that bloke waving at us. He looks gay."
The bloke was not, in fact, waving, but (as Meka saw) had been trying to escape his fast sinking dingy. Meka turned the copter around and flew down to pick him up.
"Er!" said Rasta. "He's all wettified."
"Hi!" said Grix. "And you are?"
"Sheepy, thanks for saving me."
"No problem." sai Goatboy as he felt his face being pushed against the glass from the sheer volume of passengers.
"Hey!" said Ant. "Want to see some wrestling moves?"
+++++++++++++++
"And that's where my part comes in..." said Stryke, obviously having consumed far too many units of alcohol as usual.
Stryke finished re-reading the story. He looked at er-no.
"So it was just Sniper and Grix in the chopper?"
"Yup."
"And Sheepy hadn't been introduced yet?"
"Yup."
"And I told the submarine joke?"
"Yup."
Stryke considered this.
"Oh...balls."
"Yup."
"Someone else should really fix that, shouldn't they?"
"Yup."
They sat and considered this.
"You're always doing that Stryke."
"Shut up."
"So it was just Sniper and Grix in the chopper?"
"Yup."
"And Sheepy hadn't been introduced yet?"
"Yup."
"And I told the submarine joke?"
"Yup."
Stryke considered this.
"Oh...balls."
"Yup."
"Someone else should really fix that, shouldn't they?"
"Yup."
They sat and considered this.
"You're always doing that Stryke."
"Shut up."
A truck was, against all probability, floating out to sea. A seagull soared overhead, listening to the conversation below. It is not explained why it can understand human. It just is. OK? Good.
"How do you sink an Irish submarine?"
"Shut up Stryke."
--
"...So he said, don't worry mate, I got him with the door!"
Wookiee looked at YH. YH looked at Wookiee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" They both fell other each other, and there ensued, for a short time only, much slapping of the back and laughing of the laugh.
"Shouldn't someone be flying this thing?" asked Meka. He looked around. They were all squashed into the small helicopter. Grix seemed the only other sane one, and he was currently pinned to the wall by Ant.
"So thats a...what did you say again?" asked Sheepy.
"A suplex." said Ant.
"This sucks balls." said Sheepy.
"Ant, may I point out that wrestling is supposed to be fake, and yet...ooooooooowwwww....yup, yet there goes a disc." yelled Grix.
"I'm only an amateur."
Rasta, who was freakishly small and with well adapted ape-hands, grabbed the stick.
"I'll catch those fish, Dave!"
Meka sighed. Then Rasta shoved the stick forward.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIII"
"And this is called a ThrowingUpAllOverYourOpponent"
"There's an alarming amount of us going down here..."
"So why are you here again Sheepy?"
"This sucks balls."
"You're gay."
"Shut up Sniper."
"Fish Ahoy, Dave!"
"That looks like a truck.."
--
"How do you sink an Irish submarine?"
"Shut up Stryke."
--
"...So he said, don't worry mate, I got him with the door!"
Wookiee looked at YH. YH looked at Wookiee.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" They both fell other each other, and there ensued, for a short time only, much slapping of the back and laughing of the laugh.
"Shouldn't someone be flying this thing?" asked Meka. He looked around. They were all squashed into the small helicopter. Grix seemed the only other sane one, and he was currently pinned to the wall by Ant.
"So thats a...what did you say again?" asked Sheepy.
"A suplex." said Ant.
"This sucks balls." said Sheepy.
"Ant, may I point out that wrestling is supposed to be fake, and yet...ooooooooowwwww....yup, yet there goes a disc." yelled Grix.
"I'm only an amateur."
Rasta, who was freakishly small and with well adapted ape-hands, grabbed the stick.
"I'll catch those fish, Dave!"
Meka sighed. Then Rasta shoved the stick forward.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH SHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIII"
"And this is called a ThrowingUpAllOverYourOpponent"
"There's an alarming amount of us going down here..."
"So why are you here again Sheepy?"
"This sucks balls."
"You're gay."
"Shut up Sniper."
"Fish Ahoy, Dave!"
"That looks like a truck.."
--
'Oh crap' er-no said, now for the seven hundreth time.
'Look, I just to say that I love you'
'Oh crap! Let me of your bloody truck....'
'I mean, what a rare twist of fate, their I was going to commit suicide and I swerved to knock you straight off your bike on purpose so we can spend some time together'
'Why won't you leave me alone? I introduced you to foam parties yes, but I didn't ask for the worshipping and stalking state you are in over me'
'You don't like me? Is that why you went away?'
*er-no thought about his options at this point, he was injured and a passenger in a lorry travelling at 70mph on a motorway near the coast*
'Yeah, your great! Can we stop please so I can take a whizz?' er-no replied,
'Of course, at the next service station!'
***arriving at the next service station***
er-no returns from the toilet break and climbs back into the lorry.
'Right, I am going to go to the bog as well then, I trust you not to drive away and leave me again'
'Yeah, sure'
A bright light bulb appears over er-no's head, he remembers what his mum used to say to him, 'Take the chance, be a muppet'. er-no jumped into the passengers seat and hotwires the car up, a trick he learnt on a Bookatrack day from a Mr Rainbird. The figure is seen returning from the toilet area behind the lorry in er-no's review mirror, he quickly places it into reverse and travels back towards the figure.
'You bbbbassssssstttaarr....'
A bump is heard and er-no travels down the motorway again and feels at peace again with himself. Meanwhile on the back of the lorry Stryke is hanging on for his life and tries to break into the hatch at the rear end. Something which he likes doing regularly, or so this narrator hears... er-no hears another bang and starts cursing how he couldn't finish off the job, a figure is seen swinging around the back of the lorry.
er-no begins to skid at 90mph from side to side. Taking the lorry up a hill at this speed is not a good idea, within seconds the vechile travels through the barricade and over the cliff.
Several seconds later a huge splash is heard and then Stryke finishes what he earlier began.
'tttttttaaaaaarrrrrrrdddddddd, you nicked by bloody lorry and drove it into the sea, and look, we are bloody drifting away from the coast now. IDIOT! I love you though'.
er-no looked around and decided to get out of the lorry and sit up on the roof as it drifted outwards, 'Oh Crap!'
'Look, I just to say that I love you'
'Oh crap! Let me of your bloody truck....'
'I mean, what a rare twist of fate, their I was going to commit suicide and I swerved to knock you straight off your bike on purpose so we can spend some time together'
'Why won't you leave me alone? I introduced you to foam parties yes, but I didn't ask for the worshipping and stalking state you are in over me'
'You don't like me? Is that why you went away?'
*er-no thought about his options at this point, he was injured and a passenger in a lorry travelling at 70mph on a motorway near the coast*
'Yeah, your great! Can we stop please so I can take a whizz?' er-no replied,
'Of course, at the next service station!'
***arriving at the next service station***
er-no returns from the toilet break and climbs back into the lorry.
'Right, I am going to go to the bog as well then, I trust you not to drive away and leave me again'
'Yeah, sure'
A bright light bulb appears over er-no's head, he remembers what his mum used to say to him, 'Take the chance, be a muppet'. er-no jumped into the passengers seat and hotwires the car up, a trick he learnt on a Bookatrack day from a Mr Rainbird. The figure is seen returning from the toilet area behind the lorry in er-no's review mirror, he quickly places it into reverse and travels back towards the figure.
'You bbbbassssssstttaarr....'
A bump is heard and er-no travels down the motorway again and feels at peace again with himself. Meanwhile on the back of the lorry Stryke is hanging on for his life and tries to break into the hatch at the rear end. Something which he likes doing regularly, or so this narrator hears... er-no hears another bang and starts cursing how he couldn't finish off the job, a figure is seen swinging around the back of the lorry.
er-no begins to skid at 90mph from side to side. Taking the lorry up a hill at this speed is not a good idea, within seconds the vechile travels through the barricade and over the cliff.
Several seconds later a huge splash is heard and then Stryke finishes what he earlier began.
'tttttttaaaaaarrrrrrrdddddddd, you nicked by bloody lorry and drove it into the sea, and look, we are bloody drifting away from the coast now. IDIOT! I love you though'.
er-no looked around and decided to get out of the lorry and sit up on the roof as it drifted outwards, 'Oh Crap!'
Back in present day pub
----------------------
" So let's get things straight. " said Meka looking slightly confused.
" We joined the Navy after a heavy night on the sauce? With us was Sniper and Rasta? Then we smashed up Goatboy and Ant's boat? THEN Wookiee and YH flew in along with some dodgy jokes? "
" That's about it, yeah " said Grix
" AND we also had a submarine and a helicopter? "
" Yes we did " replied Grix with a smile.
" Okay, just wanted to make that clear. Oh and how did you manage with that dump? " smiled Meka
" OI where do I come in? " moaned Sheepy
" Sssssssh, I'll get to all of that " said Grix
---------------------------
Grix looked at Rasta with worry and shock...
" Wha.. What do you mean we don't have a toilet? " snapped Grix
" Don't have one Jim " replied Rasta who was pretending to be a kanagroo
Goatboy had over heard this and moved in like a hawk might on a dead horse
" So mate... you need a dump and there's no toilet? HAHA priceless... quick somebody get a camera, look at his face "
" Shut up, shut up " shouted Grix as he ran around the sub looking for something to crap in
" Look " said YH. " You have two options here... one you just go in the ocean... au natural..- "
"- I can't crap in the ocean" replied Grix
"- or TWO you squat on Sniper's head and take a dump" smiled YH as Wookiee burst into laughter
Grix was still looking for a bucket...
----------
Meanwhile
Errrrr-no was still in a truck in the desert with some bloke.
-------
Grix had been thinking as he crouched down in the corner... Meka began shouting out his wife's name in hope she would come and give him a cuddle and YH slapped Goatboy who was trying to touch his hairy man boob.
Grix stood up and raised his voice
" RIGHT... the only way I can have a dump is if we go buy a toilet... we also need food and booze"
" AND SUGAR " shouted Ant
" Right yeah, that too. I propose two go in the helicopter to mainland and get some supplies... I'll go who's with me? "
" I'll go " replied Sniper
" Anybody? " shouted Grix, trying to ignore Sniper.
Nobody replied
" Right Sniper, we're going " said Grix
---------------------
Back in present day Pub
" So you went in a helicopter with Sniper to get booze and to have a dump? " asked Meka
" Yep, that's about it. Even though there was no explanation how we would meet up with lots of people we had just met " smiled Grix
" It doesn't need to make sense, it's a FOG Story " said Sheepy. " So when the hell did I join again? "
----------------------
" So let's get things straight. " said Meka looking slightly confused.
" We joined the Navy after a heavy night on the sauce? With us was Sniper and Rasta? Then we smashed up Goatboy and Ant's boat? THEN Wookiee and YH flew in along with some dodgy jokes? "
" That's about it, yeah " said Grix
" AND we also had a submarine and a helicopter? "
" Yes we did " replied Grix with a smile.
" Okay, just wanted to make that clear. Oh and how did you manage with that dump? " smiled Meka
" OI where do I come in? " moaned Sheepy
" Sssssssh, I'll get to all of that " said Grix
---------------------------
Grix looked at Rasta with worry and shock...
" Wha.. What do you mean we don't have a toilet? " snapped Grix
" Don't have one Jim " replied Rasta who was pretending to be a kanagroo
Goatboy had over heard this and moved in like a hawk might on a dead horse
" So mate... you need a dump and there's no toilet? HAHA priceless... quick somebody get a camera, look at his face "
" Shut up, shut up " shouted Grix as he ran around the sub looking for something to crap in
" Look " said YH. " You have two options here... one you just go in the ocean... au natural..- "
"- I can't crap in the ocean" replied Grix
"- or TWO you squat on Sniper's head and take a dump" smiled YH as Wookiee burst into laughter
Grix was still looking for a bucket...
----------
Meanwhile
Errrrr-no was still in a truck in the desert with some bloke.
-------
Grix had been thinking as he crouched down in the corner... Meka began shouting out his wife's name in hope she would come and give him a cuddle and YH slapped Goatboy who was trying to touch his hairy man boob.
Grix stood up and raised his voice
" RIGHT... the only way I can have a dump is if we go buy a toilet... we also need food and booze"
" AND SUGAR " shouted Ant
" Right yeah, that too. I propose two go in the helicopter to mainland and get some supplies... I'll go who's with me? "
" I'll go " replied Sniper
" Anybody? " shouted Grix, trying to ignore Sniper.
Nobody replied
" Right Sniper, we're going " said Grix
---------------------
Back in present day Pub
" So you went in a helicopter with Sniper to get booze and to have a dump? " asked Meka
" Yep, that's about it. Even though there was no explanation how we would meet up with lots of people we had just met " smiled Grix
" It doesn't need to make sense, it's a FOG Story " said Sheepy. " So when the hell did I join again? "
Wookiee stepped forward, then thought of something, and turned to YH. "Here, how do you sink an Irish submarine?"
"Dunno."
"Knock on the door!!" Wookiee doubled over with laughter, then composed himself. He was just reaching out a hand, when YH stopped him in his tracks.
"What are you about to do?"
"Knock on the door."
"Ok, two questions. 1. Why? 2. What if it's an Irish submarine? You may sink it."
"B****r. Hadn't thought of that."
The two looked at each other for a while, considering the siuation. It really wouldn't be a good move to sink a submarine that you're currently standing on top of.
Luckily for the two, they did not have long to consider their predicament, as the hatch opened, and three things seemed to be said at once, so I'll try and say them as I heard them:
"Hello NAW got boobs?"
"No, Goatboy, they don't have breasts. One of them has large hairy man-boobs though." Said Grix, down through the hatchway.
"That'll do!" Goaty sounded excited, Wookiee look worried.
- - - - - - - -
The two newcomers were brought down into the submarine, and introduced around.
"What's wrong Grix?" Asked Meka, "Ever since those two have been here, you've gone back to staring into space with a funny look on your face. Hey that rhymed, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!"
"Shutup Meka."
"Sorry."
Grix stoodup. "Right lads. You may have noticed I haven't been acting myself for the last couple of hours. It's a bit embarrasing, but I really have to tell you now." Grix took a breath, "I need a dump, and don't know where the toilet is."
"We don't have one." Replied Rasta, in a rare moment of saneness.
"Dunno."
"Knock on the door!!" Wookiee doubled over with laughter, then composed himself. He was just reaching out a hand, when YH stopped him in his tracks.
"What are you about to do?"
"Knock on the door."
"Ok, two questions. 1. Why? 2. What if it's an Irish submarine? You may sink it."
"B****r. Hadn't thought of that."
The two looked at each other for a while, considering the siuation. It really wouldn't be a good move to sink a submarine that you're currently standing on top of.
Luckily for the two, they did not have long to consider their predicament, as the hatch opened, and three things seemed to be said at once, so I'll try and say them as I heard them:
"Hello NAW got boobs?"
"No, Goatboy, they don't have breasts. One of them has large hairy man-boobs though." Said Grix, down through the hatchway.
"That'll do!" Goaty sounded excited, Wookiee look worried.
- - - - - - - -
The two newcomers were brought down into the submarine, and introduced around.
"What's wrong Grix?" Asked Meka, "Ever since those two have been here, you've gone back to staring into space with a funny look on your face. Hey that rhymed, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!"
"Shutup Meka."
"Sorry."
Grix stoodup. "Right lads. You may have noticed I haven't been acting myself for the last couple of hours. It's a bit embarrasing, but I really have to tell you now." Grix took a breath, "I need a dump, and don't know where the toilet is."
"We don't have one." Replied Rasta, in a rare moment of saneness.
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