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"The Great Fog Caper - How it all began"

Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.

"Meka?" Grix asked.

"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.

"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.

"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."

"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.

"Why? You were there."

"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."

Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."

"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.

"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."

"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.

"Oh yeah, sorry."

-----------------------

It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.

Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.

It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...

-------------------------

"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.

Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...

"No." Meka replied.

"Ug."

Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.

"Ug?" Meka asked.

"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."

"Oh, right."

"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."

Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.

"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"

"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."

Meka blinked.

"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."

Meka glared at the glass.

"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."

"Grix, shut up."

"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."

Meka downed his drink and ordered another.

"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."

Meka downed the new pint.

"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."

Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.

"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."

Meka downed the double vodka.

"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."

"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."

"But..."

"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."

"What?"

"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.

"...alright."

Meka downed the triple vodka.

"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.

-------------------------

Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.

Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.

He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.

Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.

The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:

"This is gay."

er-no woke up from not being in the story and ran up the stairs and searched the mansion to try and find his group. Sheepy being the messy animal that he is leaves traces of 'stuff' behind on the floor and they weren't to hard to find. He ran into the headless room.

'Who the hell is he?' er-no shouted,

'Venombyte' Stryke told er-no aside,

'Why the hell does he have so many naked female dummies?'

'Good point, why do you have so many female ones Venom?'

'I er... *Venom quickly pointed to the window* aarrrrghhh!'

'Nice try Venom, real funny' said Sheepy while standing at the window.

'No! Behind you!'

'DUCK SHEEPY!

'Quack' said FM, and then quietly sniggered to himself.

'But no really! DUCK! Sheepy!' The narrator shouted along with er-no, venom and stryke....

Back in the pub, Grix looked into his glass. As he did so, pb walked over from the bar and joined them.

"What'ya doin?" he asked.

"Oh, hi pb." said Ant. "We're just remembering the time we all met and our first adventure."

"Oh, that one. That was the time that I had been turned ev..."

Grix stopped him. "No, we'll get to that bit later. Best not to spoil it for those who haven't heard it."

"Or don't remember.." said Meka, pointing to RBS.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Stryke, FM and Sheepy had gone into the dark manor house.

“I can’t see a thing.” Moaned Sheepy.

“That’s because it’s dark, didn’t you hear the narrator?” sighed FM.

“oh.”

They walked over the creaking floorboards, through cobweb-strewn passages and up winding staircases, but there was no sign of anyone.

Just as they were about to give up and go back outside, Sheepy shrieked.

“Argh! A head!” he said as he jumped into FM’s arms.

FM looked at the head which had rolled past them and was now bounding down the stairs.

“I think we’re close. Sheepy, get down, you’re ruining my jacket.”

As they ran in the direction the head had come from, they heard an evil laugh. It was so evil that the narrator couldn’t possibly hope to re-enact it, so he won’t even try. In the doorway of a large master bedroom, they saw the huge shape of a man in a long cloak, with an evil stare. All around him were what looked like bodies….with no heads.

“So, it’s you!” said FM to the man.

“Is it?” said the man, in a less than frightening voice.

“Are you the one who has been beheading all the villagers?”

“What are you talking about?” said the stranger.

“This peasant outside, he told us that villagers were going missing, then turning up without their heads.”

“That must be pretty annoying for them, then.”

FM looked shocked. “How can you be so callous?”

The stranger turned on the light and FM’s eyes adjusted to see many headless figures dotted around the room. Then, to his surprise, he noticed that they weren’t people at all, but shop window dummies.

“I practice my martial arts here, I’m pretty lethal with a Bo, you know.”

“Bu..but..the peasant said…” began Sheepy.

“Don’t listen to him, he’s just a raving loony. One of a few of our celebrated village idiots.”

“I can sympathise.” Said FM, looking at Sheepy.

Sheepy scowled. Stryke tried to stop sniggering.

“sorry,” said the stranger, “I haven’t introduced myself…I’m Venombyte.” He held out his hand to FM.

"I thought Sniper wasn't with us" interrupted Meka "So how could he possibly guess the rumber of rooms when we arrived?"

"Sod off" replied FM, continuing the story.

"The Evil HQ was big and dark?" interrupted Meka, back at the pub. "You're supposed to be telling a story, FM. It needs description as well as dialogue."

"Well it was big and dark."

"Let me tell this bit" said Meka.

"No, I can do this" replied FM

----------

pb had an Evil HQ.
pb had a big Evil HQ.
pb had a big, dark, evil HQ.
pb ha-

-----------

"Stop that FM"

"Righto"

-------------

So the intrepid group looked up at the Evil HQ, which they hadn't actually gone into yet, but were close enough to be sujected to the strange effects pb mentioned. It appeared to be some kind of country mansion, well crafted in red brick, but looking a little run down now. A drainpipe had become detached from the south wall, and the east side was almost overgrown with vegitation. Sniper guessed there must have been about four hundred rooms in it, all told. There were actually seventy, but Sniper's maths wasn't that great.

There were lots of fields around too, but as nobody looked at them we can't possibly know what they looked like and recount that part of the story.

Grix pulled a bottle of Vodka from his jeans, and took a large swig. If he was going to be drunk for most of the story, it was about time he started.

"Do we knock on the door or pull on the bell rope?" asked Goatboy.

"Shouldn't we be a bit more subtle?" asked Meka.

"Like knowcking on the door and running away?" asked Rasta

"No. Like sneaking in. That way there could be lots of interesting traps to overcome. We could split up, too. It'll be just like a film."

Grix took another large swig from his vodka.

"Right then" said Goatboy. "Myself, Wookiee and YH will attempt to find a way in through the roof via that vegitation, whilst Meka, Rasta and Grix can look around the back."

"Excellent plan."

Evil HQ's are funny things. They have an effect on certain people that makes them act in certain ways. Take James Bond, for instance. An Evil HQ just makes him more ruthless, relentless and basically able to do anything. Unfortunately, none of the gang who entered this Evil HQ were anything like James Bond, except perhaps Meka, who could do a mean Sean Connery impression...

Grix was first to notice the effect on Ant.

"Ant. Why are you cackling?" he asked, not particularly wanting an answer.

"ooh, I don't know, I just suddenly feel like taking over the world all of a sudden."

Meka was having a crisis of his own, which seemed to include the Sean Connery impression.

"I think we must go and find this evil pb and stop his evil plan, miss Moneypenny."

The others looked perplexed.

"Hang on." said Grix, "I know what's happening, this place seems to be affecting our mood."

“Good thinking!” said Goatboy, slapping his hand into his palm.

“Ah! I think you may have become a sidekick.” Said Meka, Scotishly.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Meanwhile…

Pb was getting slightly angry now.

“Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay…” Sniper was jumping up and down with glee.

“Grrr, you may be able to rile me, but you won’t get in the way of my plans….to take over the world and make it love America! Bwhahahahahaaha!”

Evil HQ (TM) could sense that it's master was home...but there was something else too...which for some reason Evil HQ (TM) automatically related with 'homosexuality.'

"Hello Master," Evil HQ (TM) said tonelessly through it's speakers.

"You're HQ is alive?" Sniper asked pb.

"Indeed, my Evil HQ (TM) is made up of hundreds of futuristic extra-powerful Computer Systems, and it is more intelligent than your average 13-year-old."

"Gay."

"How is my Evil HQ (TM) gay? It is certainly not gay!"

"Actually," Evil HQ (TM) interrupted, "Your friend there does have a case. You have set me to male, correct?"

"Indeed," pb answered, a little puzzled.

"And you programmed me to love only one...my Master. You see, I love you Master, and you are male too, correct?"

pb struggled for words, while Sniper's face actually lit up with glee for the first time in his whole life. "See, I told you it's gay! GAY!"

"SHUT UP!" pb screamed, before gagging Sniper.

"Mway." Sniper replied.

_____________________________________________

Ant danced. "Do you like my Too Cool dancing? Y'see, wrestling's cool, it has dancing as well."

Meka, who detested Too Cool, and Ant for that matter, shoved him over. "Anyway, are we going in or what?"

"I guess...what exactly are we supposed to do in there though?" Grix asked.

"Are there any boobs inside?" Goatboy asked excitedly.

Meka sighed, "Indeed there are Goatboy," he lied. "Anyway, I s'pose we'll just run around looking for pb and Sniper...maybe get ourselves into some hilarious situations, usually ones in which we're almost killed."

"Or in Sniper's case-"

"Yes, actually killed."

"Should we try and capture pb?"

"Yes, that sounds like a reasonable plan. Lets go." Meka made his way toward Evil HQ (TM), the others following.

"BOOBS!" Goatboy screamed.

"Plenty of boobs inside, Goatboy."

No. Renna is Grix dressed up as a female cat! ;-D

Allardini posted as himself, and it wasn't THAT bad...


By the by, there's a thread in chat for comments like this, so nothing else but story in this one.

Fuzzy wrote:
> Sorry to break the story, but where about did allardini post? As
> Renna?

Found it. Wasn't Renna. Oops.

Sorry to break the story, but where about did allardini post? As Renna?

pb wasn't sure what an earoplane was, perhaps some sort of aeroplane? (Sorry, couldn't resist :-)) but pb continued to listen out for it (ho ho!) as he started up the car again, and drove.

This whole car chase sequence is getting a little boring - probably because no one wants to move the story on, so I shall have a go.

You may remember....

*screen goes all wibbly in flashback style sequence*

"Ok, it's landed on UK." The voice goes quiet, as if whispering, "What the hell state is that in? I haven't heard of UK before." Pause. "Is it? Oh, right...

"That's right! You've got one week, or I'll blow the UK up into little incy-wincy pieces - Yahooooo!"


*screen wibbles again to go back to normal time*

So, the car chase goes on for another couple of days, after all, the US of A is damn big. Like most of the population...

Anyway, lots of accidents occur, and Wookiee and YH tell lots of 'hilarious' gags. Goaty says "boob" a fair few times. Sniper says "gay" even more.

Somehow they all manage to drive for ages without needing to stop for petrol.

Anyway, they finally arrived an pb's Secret Evil HQ (TM). In true cartoon style, pb stopped the car, grabbed Sniper under one arm.

"Gay"

"Shutup"

And ran into the HQ (TM) with him, before the others had arrived.

The motorbike, with Grix, Meka, YH, Wookiee, Ant and Goaty on it pulled up, just after pb and Sniper had gone inside.

"Where have they gone?" Asked Ant.

"Inside."

"How do you know that?"

"Because in films they ALWAYS go inside, we just have to follow him, have the show down and resque Sniper. Easy."

"Easy?"

"Yup, we're the good guys, so we'll easily win."

"Ah."

They looked at the Evil HQ (TM). It was big, it was dark, it was scary. It sounded like Count Duckula was home....

- - - - - - -

In the last few days, some stuff had been happening with Stryke Sheepy and er-no.

I'm not sure what.