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Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
Page:
"I know you don't know me, and well, I don't know you, but I really, REALLY need to borrow your phone."
"Shut up." The boy said, and continued to play snake.
Meka had crawled to the floor... his head was pounding, and with each pound, it seemed to echo around the whole room...
It looks like they were in a submarine. He didn't know if the signal would work or not, he just needed a phone. He needed desperately to tell his wife he's been kidnapped by a strange Welshman named Grix who seemed obsessed with complicated stories.
"I just need to ring my wife, I won't be long, I promise."
"I lost. This is gay." The boy said, before starting another game.
"Ah, morning." Grix said. "Sleep well? No headache I hope."
Meka lunged at Grix... "Where the hell are we! Where have you taken me!" Meka shook Grix by the neck, who choked and tried to pull away his arms.
"I cigant cignap yoou, diss waas yourr ideaaarr."
Meka dropped Grix's neck, and looked around the room. "We're in the navy. We joined the navy."
"Yeah..." Grix said, and coughed. "We joined. It was your idea, and I had nothing better to do. I just came along to keep you company, you should be grateful."
Grix looked around the room. "You weren't here last night." He said at the boy playing snake. "Who are you?"
"Sniper." The boy said. "I died again. I hate you."
"Hi there Sniper, hey, could I borrow your phone?" Grix asked.
"No, I'm playing Snake."
"Ah, quite an addictive game." Replied Grix, and got out of bed. "Still, we really need it."
Grix took the phone out of Sniper's hand.
"Hey! Give it back."
Grix looked at the lack of signal on the phone... "Actually, no, we may need this later. Sorry."
"Give it back!" Sniper yelled.
"No."
"If you don't give me my phone back, I'll keep pestering you for the rest
of your life until you give it back."
---------------
And that's how Sniper joined us. Grix stole his phone, and Sniper refused to leave us alone until we gave it back. It only took a few hours for him to forget about the phone, but kept following us anyway. Grix destroyed the phone when we escaped from the submarine, but that's still to come.
The submarine journeyed deeper into the sea... we had no idea where we were, only the knowledge that we were going down deeper. The door was locked, it was just the three of us in the room.
After the twentieth or so round of eye spy, someone came to our door, and opened it...
The Captain, who Grix had managed to get us into the navy through... to be honest though, I haven't a clue how the Captain got into the navy in the first place...
----------
*BANG BANG CLACK*
The three looked towards the door as it swang open...
...and in stepped a twelve year old boy.
"Turkey turkey whatsit! We all live in a yellow submarine, don't ye know!"
The boy skipped into the room and started jumping on Meka's bed.
The boy stopped bouncing. "Bow down! I'm your Captain!"
"Captain who?" Meka asked.
"Captain Rastabillyskank, I'll think you'll find! But not in the top drawer! NO! DON'T PICK THAT ONE! LISTEN TO THE AUDIENCE MAN! THE AUDIENCE!"
Rasta dived under the bed, and pulled the sheets over him. A strange "nee"ing sound came from under the covers.
"Captain?" Grix asked.
"Yes John?" Came the reply.
"Where are we?"
"In a submarine! How did you pass your navy course! I'll never know. I'm going to have a word with your mother."
"No... I mean, where in the world?"
"We're in the sea!" Rasta replied, and started singing Counting Crows.
Meka looked at Grix, and Grix looked back. Meka punched Grix.
"Shut up." The boy said, and continued to play snake.
Meka had crawled to the floor... his head was pounding, and with each pound, it seemed to echo around the whole room...
It looks like they were in a submarine. He didn't know if the signal would work or not, he just needed a phone. He needed desperately to tell his wife he's been kidnapped by a strange Welshman named Grix who seemed obsessed with complicated stories.
"I just need to ring my wife, I won't be long, I promise."
"I lost. This is gay." The boy said, before starting another game.
"Ah, morning." Grix said. "Sleep well? No headache I hope."
Meka lunged at Grix... "Where the hell are we! Where have you taken me!" Meka shook Grix by the neck, who choked and tried to pull away his arms.
"I cigant cignap yoou, diss waas yourr ideaaarr."
Meka dropped Grix's neck, and looked around the room. "We're in the navy. We joined the navy."
"Yeah..." Grix said, and coughed. "We joined. It was your idea, and I had nothing better to do. I just came along to keep you company, you should be grateful."
Grix looked around the room. "You weren't here last night." He said at the boy playing snake. "Who are you?"
"Sniper." The boy said. "I died again. I hate you."
"Hi there Sniper, hey, could I borrow your phone?" Grix asked.
"No, I'm playing Snake."
"Ah, quite an addictive game." Replied Grix, and got out of bed. "Still, we really need it."
Grix took the phone out of Sniper's hand.
"Hey! Give it back."
Grix looked at the lack of signal on the phone... "Actually, no, we may need this later. Sorry."
"Give it back!" Sniper yelled.
"No."
"If you don't give me my phone back, I'll keep pestering you for the rest
of your life until you give it back."
---------------
And that's how Sniper joined us. Grix stole his phone, and Sniper refused to leave us alone until we gave it back. It only took a few hours for him to forget about the phone, but kept following us anyway. Grix destroyed the phone when we escaped from the submarine, but that's still to come.
The submarine journeyed deeper into the sea... we had no idea where we were, only the knowledge that we were going down deeper. The door was locked, it was just the three of us in the room.
After the twentieth or so round of eye spy, someone came to our door, and opened it...
The Captain, who Grix had managed to get us into the navy through... to be honest though, I haven't a clue how the Captain got into the navy in the first place...
----------
*BANG BANG CLACK*
The three looked towards the door as it swang open...
...and in stepped a twelve year old boy.
"Turkey turkey whatsit! We all live in a yellow submarine, don't ye know!"
The boy skipped into the room and started jumping on Meka's bed.
The boy stopped bouncing. "Bow down! I'm your Captain!"
"Captain who?" Meka asked.
"Captain Rastabillyskank, I'll think you'll find! But not in the top drawer! NO! DON'T PICK THAT ONE! LISTEN TO THE AUDIENCE MAN! THE AUDIENCE!"
Rasta dived under the bed, and pulled the sheets over him. A strange "nee"ing sound came from under the covers.
"Captain?" Grix asked.
"Yes John?" Came the reply.
"Where are we?"
"In a submarine! How did you pass your navy course! I'll never know. I'm going to have a word with your mother."
"No... I mean, where in the world?"
"We're in the sea!" Rasta replied, and started singing Counting Crows.
Meka looked at Grix, and Grix looked back. Meka punched Grix.
Ermm...
Sorry, I don't have a clue how to follow this up! :-)
Someone else do the next bit...
Sorry, I don't have a clue how to follow this up! :-)
Someone else do the next bit...
Wehey! A neat new twist and the Fogstories roll on! :-)
No more comments like this now from ANYONE, pure storyline from here on inwards.
No more comments like this now from ANYONE, pure storyline from here on inwards.
Dammit, this will win GAD. How do you come up with such genius?! :-D
Never seen that one before. First ever? Mmm.
Only been here a year, wouldn't know.
Meh, good to read anyway..
Only been here a year, wouldn't know.
Meh, good to read anyway..
Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
"Meka?" Grix asked.
"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.
"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.
"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."
"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.
"Why? You were there."
"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."
Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."
"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.
"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."
"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.
"Oh yeah, sorry."
-----------------------
It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.
Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.
It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...
-------------------------
"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.
Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...
"No." Meka replied.
"Ug."
Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.
"Ug?" Meka asked.
"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."
"Oh, right."
"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."
Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.
"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"
"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."
Meka blinked.
"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."
Meka glared at the glass.
"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."
"Grix, shut up."
"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."
Meka downed his drink and ordered another.
"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."
Meka downed the new pint.
"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."
Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.
"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."
Meka downed the double vodka.
"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."
"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."
"But..."
"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."
"What?"
"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.
"...alright."
Meka downed the triple vodka.
"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.
-------------------------
Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.
Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.
He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.
Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.
The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:
"This is gay."
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