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Ok, so this will probably fall flat on its face but its worth a go. The other week, Grix started that thread where everyone posted something they wanted everyone to do and it went down brilliantly.
In this one, just post something funny, something that will make everyone laugh. Stupid stories, good jokes... anything which makes everyone laugh! Stories can be true, ones you've found on the net or ones that have happened to you... if its funny then 'stick it in'.
Hope you enjoy reading whatever goes in here!
(if there is another thread somewhere which i have missed for this kinda stuff then i apologise!)
In this one, just post something funny, something that will make everyone laugh. Stupid stories, good jokes... anything which makes everyone laugh! Stories can be true, ones you've found on the net or ones that have happened to you... if its funny then 'stick it in'.
Hope you enjoy reading whatever goes in here!
(if there is another thread somewhere which i have missed for this kinda stuff then i apologise!)
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oh dear
Hypothetical and Reality
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of w****s."
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"
The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?"
The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of w****s."
A Blonde in a Skirt
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive blonde woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
With a grin, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive blonde woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
With a grin, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
Small_Frog wrote:
> If it takes 5 me 5 days to dig 13 holes, how long will it take one man to dig
> half a hole?
One man can't dig half a hole. There is no such thing as a half-hole - its just a hole. Duh.
> If it takes 5 me 5 days to dig 13 holes, how long will it take one man to dig
> half a hole?
One man can't dig half a hole. There is no such thing as a half-hole - its just a hole. Duh.
This ones a bit dirty but here gos anyway.
One day there were two elderly men in the park.
they were walking along and got tired so they decided to sit down.
after a minuite or so they saw a dog licking itself in a unpleasant place, and one of the men said " gee I wish I could do that" and the other guy said "Why don't you he looks a friendly enough dog"
Ilike that one.
One day there were two elderly men in the park.
they were walking along and got tired so they decided to sit down.
after a minuite or so they saw a dog licking itself in a unpleasant place, and one of the men said " gee I wish I could do that" and the other guy said "Why don't you he looks a friendly enough dog"
Ilike that one.
is confused, how many (quick, tell me 'cos I gotta go soon).
If it takes 5 me 5 days to dig 13 holes, how long will it take one man to dig half a hole?
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it
was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it
was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
A man walked into a bar...
...he ordered a beer.
...he fell over
...he ordered a beer, drank it then fell over.
the 3 BAR outcomes
baaaaaaaaa
...he ordered a beer.
...he fell over
...he ordered a beer, drank it then fell over.
the 3 BAR outcomes
baaaaaaaaa
A man was fishing in a lake, a huge bucket of fish besides him. He had just finished packing away when a Warden walks up to him and asks "do you have a license to fish?"
The man said: "no"
"We'll i'm afraid you'll have to pay a fine for those fish there" said the warden.
"But these are my pet fish" excalimed the man i let them swim around then i whistle and they hop back into the bucket" he insisted
"Thats the most ridiculas excuse ever!" said the warden laughing.
"No honest watch" said the man as he poured the fish in the water. A few minutes had past when the Warden finally said:
"Well?"
"Well what?" said the man
"When are you gonna call them back in?"
"Call what back in?" said the man
"THE FISH!" Yelled the Warden.
"What fish?" asked the man.
The man said: "no"
"We'll i'm afraid you'll have to pay a fine for those fish there" said the warden.
"But these are my pet fish" excalimed the man i let them swim around then i whistle and they hop back into the bucket" he insisted
"Thats the most ridiculas excuse ever!" said the warden laughing.
"No honest watch" said the man as he poured the fish in the water. A few minutes had past when the Warden finally said:
"Well?"
"Well what?" said the man
"When are you gonna call them back in?"
"Call what back in?" said the man
"THE FISH!" Yelled the Warden.
"What fish?" asked the man.
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