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"JOKES HERE PLEASE!"

Announcement from the EC (came from my brother Jim)

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, and strongly lobbied for by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

-In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" svith "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! !

The Herald Sun's 25 Best Newspaper Headlines of 2000

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strike Idles Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I'll post a bunch later

I though of some more

Please no cheering at the start, that's how facism began (A comedian I can't name at the moment"

A notice on a hotel door

"For service, please hang on you knob"

The duke of norfolk is at the grand national before a race. He is talking to a trainer. The trainer gives a lump of sugar to the horse. The duke asks what it is. The trainer says its a lump of sugar, they give to make horses faster. He offers a lump to the duke, and eats one himself.

The trainer then talks to his jockey.
"Take it easy on the first stretch, but give it you all on the closing straight. If anyone passes you it'll be either me or the duke of norfolk"

"A man who has pierced ears is better equipped for marriage. He's experienced pain and bought jewellry" (Someone I can't think of)

Michael Jackson is the head of Channel 4. Not THE michael jackson, for him you need a black or white licence.

I didn't believe in existentists.

What would happen if God didn't believe in us?
What would the world be like without hypothetical situations?

And remember

Times flies like an arrow, fruits flies like a banana.

"People who say I am not up to the job are underestimating"
"It's obviously a budget. It has a lot of numbers in it"

George Dubya bush

"I want to bring the transport system into the 20th century"
"The Countryside is one of our[Labour's] greatest achievements, and I want to build on it"

John Prescott

headline

One legged rapist still on the run

"Brevity is the soul of whit said shakespeare, I say bum, thus I win"

Simon Munnery as the League against tedium

A notice in a church newsletter

A woman put an advert in a newpaper for someone short, liking company, and likes formal dress. He got a reply from a penquin.

Some more unanswered questions

Where do phychiatrist go when they go mad?
Does an unsuccessful bank manager get withdrawal symptoms?
How do you say unpronouncable?

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son,"she says, These are balloons,
and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the
kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out. Dad's trying to blow them up for her
and she keeps yelling, "Oh God, I'm coming! Oh God, I'm coming!"

Church Bulletin Renderings.....

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletins around the country or were announced in a church service....

***

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

FOOT-AND-MOUTH BELIEVED TO BE FIRST VIRUS UNABLE TO SPREAD THROUGH MICROSOFT OUTLOOK

Researchers Shocked

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.

"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.

The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will Save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it,we can focus our resources elsewhere."

However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has Recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.

Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be sceptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a
blind drunk sparrow."

Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally sceptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.

Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled.

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming and clawing at the dashboard like the passengers in his car.

3 nuns die and go to heaven. St Peter is at the pearly gates. He says "I have to test you before I can let you into heaven".

The first nun walks up and St Peter asks

"How long did god take to create the world"
"6 days"
"Right, your in"

The second nun walks up and St Peter asks

"How long did jesus spend in the wilderness"
"40 days and 40 nights"
"Right, your in"

The third nun, the mother superior walks up and St Peter says

"What was the first thing eve said to adam"
She looks puzzled and says "mmm, that's a hard one"




"Right, your in" Said St Peter


There's two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap"
The other one says "yes, it does a bit"

I'll leave you with a few unanswered questions.

When they ship sytrofoam, what do they pack it in.
Why is there only one word for thesaurus?
Here we throw rice at weddings, at chinese wedding's do they throw hamburgers?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexia so hard to spell?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can you experience deja vous just once?
(I think deja vous is a once in a lifetime thing)

What do you do when your washing machine breaks down?

Give her a kick! (i am not serious)