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Announcement from the EC (came from my brother Jim)
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, and strongly lobbied for by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
-In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" svith "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! !
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, and strongly lobbied for by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
-In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" svith "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! !
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how do you get piekachu on a bus?
Poke em on!
S**t joke i know but they will get better in quality as i add! :-)
Poke em on!
S**t joke i know but they will get better in quality as i add! :-)
M16 wrote:
> Some people may find this cruel, so don’t read it.
If you are
> reading this, you are heartless, but that’s a good thing :-)
One
> day, the Dando’s where having an argument. Jill’s husband wanted to
> paint the door red, but Jill was dead against it.
Hmmm, okay
> that one not to funny. If anyone cracked a smile, let me
> know!
Next joke:
Two men owned a pub but wanted to change its
> name. The choice was either The Queens Arms, or The Queens Legs.
> After a long hard think about this, they decided to call it The
> Queens Legs.
There was a customer outside the pub, but it was
> closed. There was a nearby police man so the customer decided to ask
> him something.
Customer: Excuse me.
Policeman: How may I help
> you?
Customer: I would like to know what time the queens legs open
> so I can get a drink.
Policeman: That’s it sunny, your
> nicked!
The customer was arrested. :-)
Interview with Posh
> Spice.
M16: Posh I hear you have a little boy now.
Posh:
> Yeah.
M16: Nice to hear. I understand that he is starting to string
> a few words together now.
Posh: Yeah, he has just started
M16:
> Nice one, how about Brooklyn?
Thanks for reading, and have a good
> night.
M16 puts the microphone on the table and soaks up the
> applauds.
I have to say I laughed at the Dando one.
> Some people may find this cruel, so don’t read it.
If you are
> reading this, you are heartless, but that’s a good thing :-)
One
> day, the Dando’s where having an argument. Jill’s husband wanted to
> paint the door red, but Jill was dead against it.
Hmmm, okay
> that one not to funny. If anyone cracked a smile, let me
> know!
Next joke:
Two men owned a pub but wanted to change its
> name. The choice was either The Queens Arms, or The Queens Legs.
> After a long hard think about this, they decided to call it The
> Queens Legs.
There was a customer outside the pub, but it was
> closed. There was a nearby police man so the customer decided to ask
> him something.
Customer: Excuse me.
Policeman: How may I help
> you?
Customer: I would like to know what time the queens legs open
> so I can get a drink.
Policeman: That’s it sunny, your
> nicked!
The customer was arrested. :-)
Interview with Posh
> Spice.
M16: Posh I hear you have a little boy now.
Posh:
> Yeah.
M16: Nice to hear. I understand that he is starting to string
> a few words together now.
Posh: Yeah, he has just started
M16:
> Nice one, how about Brooklyn?
Thanks for reading, and have a good
> night.
M16 puts the microphone on the table and soaks up the
> applauds.
I have to say I laughed at the Dando one.
Two men walking in a dessert, they haven't had water for days and suddenly see a small village with a marquee and three stalls.
They first walk up to one stall and ask the man behind it if he has any water.
"sorry," says the man, "All I have is some custard."
They go to the next and ask the same question.
"No." says the woman behind the stall. "I only have jelly."
Then, exasperated, they go to the third and final stall to ask for water.
"Sorry," says the man, "I only have sponge."
Giving up, they leave the village behind them. As they walk away, one turns to the other and says. "Didn't you think that was a bit odd?"
The other man shrugs and says "Yes, it was a Trifle Bizzare."
They first walk up to one stall and ask the man behind it if he has any water.
"sorry," says the man, "All I have is some custard."
They go to the next and ask the same question.
"No." says the woman behind the stall. "I only have jelly."
Then, exasperated, they go to the third and final stall to ask for water.
"Sorry," says the man, "I only have sponge."
Giving up, they leave the village behind them. As they walk away, one turns to the other and says. "Didn't you think that was a bit odd?"
The other man shrugs and says "Yes, it was a Trifle Bizzare."
Some people may find this cruel, so don’t read it.
If you are reading this, you are heartless, but that’s a good thing :-)
One day, the Dando’s where having an argument. Jill’s husband wanted to paint the door red, but Jill was dead against it.
Hmmm, okay that one not to funny. If anyone cracked a smile, let me know!
Next joke:
Two men owned a pub but wanted to change its name. The choice was either The Queens Arms, or The Queens Legs. After a long hard think about this, they decided to call it The Queens Legs.
There was a customer outside the pub, but it was closed. There was a nearby police man so the customer decided to ask him something.
Customer: Excuse me.
Policeman: How may I help you?
Customer: I would like to know what time the queens legs open so I can get a drink.
Policeman: That’s it sunny, your nicked!
The customer was arrested. :-)
Interview with Posh Spice.
M16: Posh I hear you have a little boy now.
Posh: Yeah.
M16: Nice to hear. I understand that he is starting to string a few words together now.
Posh: Yeah, he has just started
M16: Nice one, how about Brooklyn?
Thanks for reading, and have a good night.
M16 puts the microphone on the table and soaks up the applauds.
If you are reading this, you are heartless, but that’s a good thing :-)
One day, the Dando’s where having an argument. Jill’s husband wanted to paint the door red, but Jill was dead against it.
Hmmm, okay that one not to funny. If anyone cracked a smile, let me know!
Next joke:
Two men owned a pub but wanted to change its name. The choice was either The Queens Arms, or The Queens Legs. After a long hard think about this, they decided to call it The Queens Legs.
There was a customer outside the pub, but it was closed. There was a nearby police man so the customer decided to ask him something.
Customer: Excuse me.
Policeman: How may I help you?
Customer: I would like to know what time the queens legs open so I can get a drink.
Policeman: That’s it sunny, your nicked!
The customer was arrested. :-)
Interview with Posh Spice.
M16: Posh I hear you have a little boy now.
Posh: Yeah.
M16: Nice to hear. I understand that he is starting to string a few words together now.
Posh: Yeah, he has just started
M16: Nice one, how about Brooklyn?
Thanks for reading, and have a good night.
M16 puts the microphone on the table and soaks up the applauds.
You missed one.
What do you get if you give a Blond a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
What do you get if you give a Blond a penny for her thoughts?
Change.
3 men tried also to get into heaven
individually they were asked if they have been unfaithful to their wives?
The first was asked and he replied
"Nope never even glanced at anyone else"
David replied saying "very good here have a limo"
The 2nd was asked and he replied
"Well I hugged one once"
David said "ahhhh well here have a Ford mondeo"
The 3rd was asked and he replied
"Well I slept around a bit"
David said "silly boy here have a Skoda"
Later the amn with the Skoda pulled up to the pub and saw the man with the Limo drowning his soorows.
The man with the Skoda asked "what's the matter"
he replied "I just saw my wife on a bike"
individually they were asked if they have been unfaithful to their wives?
The first was asked and he replied
"Nope never even glanced at anyone else"
David replied saying "very good here have a limo"
The 2nd was asked and he replied
"Well I hugged one once"
David said "ahhhh well here have a Ford mondeo"
The 3rd was asked and he replied
"Well I slept around a bit"
David said "silly boy here have a Skoda"
Later the amn with the Skoda pulled up to the pub and saw the man with the Limo drowning his soorows.
The man with the Skoda asked "what's the matter"
he replied "I just saw my wife on a bike"
The women were trapped in a castle. They were a blonde, a brunette, and a
redhead. The only way out of the castle was to say something truthful to a
mirror. If you lied, you would disappear forever. The redhead went first and
she said “I think I’m smart”
She got out of the castle.
The brunette went next. “I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world” she
disappeared.
The blonde went last. “I think…” and she disappeared.
How does a blonde spell 'farm'?
E-I-E-I-O.
What's the Blonde's Cheer?
''I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah...''
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said,''go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.''
A redhead said, ''O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?''
The blonde replied, ''Oh, that's easy - 'W'.''
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''.
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a
sign that said ''DISNEYLAND LEFT''. After thinking for a minute, he
said to herself ''oh well!'' and turned around and drove home.
On his way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said
''CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES''. By the time he drove eight miles,
he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and
said ''Oh, look at the deer tracks.'' The other blonde looks and says
''Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.'' ''No. Those are
deer tracks.'' They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later,
they were both killed by a train.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray.
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for
a make-up exam?
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?
''Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!''
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said ''concentrate''.
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person
to say 'hi'.
Why do blondes shower for hours?
The shampoo bottle says, ''Lather, rinse, and repeat!''
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
how can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
redhead. The only way out of the castle was to say something truthful to a
mirror. If you lied, you would disappear forever. The redhead went first and
she said “I think I’m smart”
She got out of the castle.
The brunette went next. “I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world” she
disappeared.
The blonde went last. “I think…” and she disappeared.
How does a blonde spell 'farm'?
E-I-E-I-O.
What's the Blonde's Cheer?
''I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....uh, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yeah yeah yeah...''
A dumb blonde was bragging about his knowledge of the state capitals.
He proudly said,''go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.''
A redhead said, ''O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?''
The blonde replied, ''Oh, that's easy - 'W'.''
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to
death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see ''Closed for the Winter''.
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a
sign that said ''DISNEYLAND LEFT''. After thinking for a minute, he
said to herself ''oh well!'' and turned around and drove home.
On his way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said
''CLEAN RESTROOMS EIGHT MILES''. By the time he drove eight miles,
he had cleaned 43 restrooms.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and
said ''Oh, look at the deer tracks.'' The other blonde looks and says
''Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.'' ''No. Those are
deer tracks.'' They keep arguing, and arguing, and half an hour later,
they were both killed by a train.
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray.
Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for
a make-up exam?
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?
''Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!''
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said ''concentrate''.
How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
Give her a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person
to say 'hi'.
Why do blondes shower for hours?
The shampoo bottle says, ''Lather, rinse, and repeat!''
What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.
What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.
how can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
There is a stamp on it.
Oooooopsssssssss
Are any of these jokes aloud to be rude (just out of intrest)
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