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"Something a bit different - a childs story please read!"

Hi guys again, I am quite nervous of posting this on here but I thought you needed something a little light hearted and different to the usual short stories!

This is what I dream of doing one day writing stories for little kids in poetry form.. so please read and open the inner kid inside.. and constructive critism please?? ok! Love ginge x


Quiet Little Boy.

In a quiet little village
In a quiet little place
Lives a quite little boy
Who is fascinated by space

On a clear quiet night
He would lay on the grass
Gazing ahead and counting the stars

With a pair of binoculars
For as far as he could see
He’d calculate and navigate
The whole galaxy

From the edge, to the edge, of the edge
Of the night
He’d uncover and discover
With such delight

That when he shut his eyes
He would dream
Of riding shooting stars
Bright orange and green

He’d bounce and pounce on the
Side of the moon
And watch the fiery glow
Of planet Neptune

He could play with Martians
On a planet called Mars
And teach them football and baseball
And how to play cards

And teach them of earth
And its oceans and mountains
And all of the good things
Like sweeties and family outings

He could sail on a boat
On the Milky Way
While eating cookies
And drinking lemonade

Watching comets and meteorites
As big as the lands
He could smile and wave
At passing spaceman

Then drift back to the night
And lay on the grass
Just gazing ahead
And counting the stars

For in a quiet little village
In a quiet little place
Lives a quiet little boy
Who is fascinated by space!

Paradox: wrote:
> I suddenly want to cut myself.
>
> Don't waste my time with this putrid filth again, Claire, are we
> clear?

No we are far from clear.
Keep it constructive or b*gger off, it's written for kids and is fantastic.

Or she could delete it and just write "sorry" instead.

If she changes it to
Who's facinated by space

Then it sort's that problem out.
Or she could keep it so it disrupts the rythym and makes the reader change there voice adding dramatic effect.

I suddenly want to cut myself.

Don't waste my time with this putrid filth again, Claire, are we clear?

Definitely some talent there. A few words or phrases need altering slightly just to make it scan ("fascinating" for example, is a syllable too long for the line - if I'm thinking of the right bit) but aside from small things like that it does a great job for the purpose. My advice would be to read it aloud to youself, counting out the syllables on your fingers - I'm not being patronising, it's just far, far easier that way. Get a thesaurus out, and anything that seems odd as you're doing this give a quick look up.

Overall very good.

Thankyou so much!


I know its a little story - but I was so scared of what you lot would say! Its ot the usual short story with amazing linguistical features.. or a world class novel! Its a kiddies story - in poetic form...

But out of everything the short stories the huge books.. a lil story that could send a kid to bed thinking about what I dreamed up! No beating!

You have made me buzzing I have a smile this big!


\ ------------------------------------------------ /

Above story © Lil Ginge 2004

:D

So refreshing.

Everyone else is so miserable.
I might try something like this.

Liked very muchly. I rarely read poems on here but as I do like childrens poetry I gave it a read.

Thank you.

Lil Ginge wrote:
> It was supposed to go .. I think
>
>
> 'On a clear quiet night
> He would lay on the grass
> Gazing ahead
> And counting the stars'

It work's either way.
But it would be better written as 4 lines.