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Hi guys again, I am quite nervous of posting this on here but I thought you needed something a little light hearted and different to the usual short stories!
This is what I dream of doing one day writing stories for little kids in poetry form.. so please read and open the inner kid inside.. and constructive critism please?? ok! Love ginge x
Quiet Little Boy.
In a quiet little village
In a quiet little place
Lives a quite little boy
Who is fascinated by space
On a clear quiet night
He would lay on the grass
Gazing ahead and counting the stars
With a pair of binoculars
For as far as he could see
He’d calculate and navigate
The whole galaxy
From the edge, to the edge, of the edge
Of the night
He’d uncover and discover
With such delight
That when he shut his eyes
He would dream
Of riding shooting stars
Bright orange and green
He’d bounce and pounce on the
Side of the moon
And watch the fiery glow
Of planet Neptune
He could play with Martians
On a planet called Mars
And teach them football and baseball
And how to play cards
And teach them of earth
And its oceans and mountains
And all of the good things
Like sweeties and family outings
He could sail on a boat
On the Milky Way
While eating cookies
And drinking lemonade
Watching comets and meteorites
As big as the lands
He could smile and wave
At passing spaceman
Then drift back to the night
And lay on the grass
Just gazing ahead
And counting the stars
For in a quiet little village
In a quiet little place
Lives a quiet little boy
Who is fascinated by space!
This is what I dream of doing one day writing stories for little kids in poetry form.. so please read and open the inner kid inside.. and constructive critism please?? ok! Love ginge x
Quiet Little Boy.
In a quiet little village
In a quiet little place
Lives a quite little boy
Who is fascinated by space
On a clear quiet night
He would lay on the grass
Gazing ahead and counting the stars
With a pair of binoculars
For as far as he could see
He’d calculate and navigate
The whole galaxy
From the edge, to the edge, of the edge
Of the night
He’d uncover and discover
With such delight
That when he shut his eyes
He would dream
Of riding shooting stars
Bright orange and green
He’d bounce and pounce on the
Side of the moon
And watch the fiery glow
Of planet Neptune
He could play with Martians
On a planet called Mars
And teach them football and baseball
And how to play cards
And teach them of earth
And its oceans and mountains
And all of the good things
Like sweeties and family outings
He could sail on a boat
On the Milky Way
While eating cookies
And drinking lemonade
Watching comets and meteorites
As big as the lands
He could smile and wave
At passing spaceman
Then drift back to the night
And lay on the grass
Just gazing ahead
And counting the stars
For in a quiet little village
In a quiet little place
Lives a quiet little boy
Who is fascinated by space!
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wow! really!
Albino-man has worked with the animators of funnybones before...
Funnybones- that's it!
Loquacious Duck wrote:
> Heh, not bad.
>
> Constructive criticism:
> It started and (if memory serves) ends in a way very reminiscent of
> The Skeletons - if you know that one (there was a dark dark house on
> a dark dark hill...). Just thought I should point it out.
You arent the first to say that, the structure is from Funnybones(I think that's what it's called).
> Heh, not bad.
>
> Constructive criticism:
> It started and (if memory serves) ends in a way very reminiscent of
> The Skeletons - if you know that one (there was a dark dark house on
> a dark dark hill...). Just thought I should point it out.
You arent the first to say that, the structure is from Funnybones(I think that's what it's called).
Heh, not bad.
Constructive criticism:
It started and (if memory serves) ends in a way very reminiscent of The Skeletons - if you know that one (there was a dark dark house on a dark dark hill...). Just thought I should point it out.
Also, some hard graft with the numbers of sylabols could help the poem flow better. And if it flows better it reads more easily and you get more caught up in the imagery.
Not easy or particularly fun, but it'd probably be worth doing if you're serious about your writing.
Constructive criticism:
It started and (if memory serves) ends in a way very reminiscent of The Skeletons - if you know that one (there was a dark dark house on a dark dark hill...). Just thought I should point it out.
Also, some hard graft with the numbers of sylabols could help the poem flow better. And if it flows better it reads more easily and you get more caught up in the imagery.
Not easy or particularly fun, but it'd probably be worth doing if you're serious about your writing.
Yers, very nice, cute poem!
I can definately see that in a book with cute little drawings! Go find one, find an artist!
I can definately see that in a book with cute little drawings! Go find one, find an artist!
Nice to see you have all kissed and made up!
..back to the poem!
..back to the poem!
yeah, sorry for winding you up Flockhart, I've nothing against you mate :-)
Paradox: wrote:
> Flockhart wrote:
> Take a look at everyone else's comment and then ask who the clown
> is.
> Violence is not my way, but i'm willing to play that game i'm well
> practiced in it.
>
> Bless
you know i can't hear you when you are being sarcastic, if you say something like that i have no way of knowing you are trying to wind us up.
> Flockhart wrote:
> Take a look at everyone else's comment and then ask who the clown
> is.
> Violence is not my way, but i'm willing to play that game i'm well
> practiced in it.
>
> Bless
you know i can't hear you when you are being sarcastic, if you say something like that i have no way of knowing you are trying to wind us up.
Paradox: wrote:
> My madness was false, I just like manipulating people into a petty
> state of distress.
Like Cub!st then?
> My madness was false, I just like manipulating people into a petty
> state of distress.
Like Cub!st then?
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