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I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Page:
Oh, you were serious?
Then I think the first line is a bit dodgy.
Then I think the first line is a bit dodgy.
Write about the transformation of mantubes. Or manclams, but I don't really know what they are.
You know, the whole bendy-woody-turgid thing.
You know, the whole bendy-woody-turgid thing.
rosalind i read quite a bit of your poetry now and its v good
I'm no expert. I write poetry, but I have no idea how good my own is. If you won competions before, then your probably a lot better than me. So bear in mind that the following critism of your poem is entirly my
opinon only. Right, here I go....
Firstly your theme. For anything themed on transformation, or change, Season is an obivous topic to chose. This is on the one hand a safe option, your always going to fullfil the criteria, but the other hand, in competion, lots of other people will also be using the same theme, which means a lost chace to make your poem stand out from the crowd.
Enough about the theme, on the the actual poem. Its a good poem, it paints a colourful picture , and you can imagine your delf right there. I'm not to hot on the first line. How about a lest jarring adjective for the day. Mellow? or some such thing. exotic has a jarring feal about it. Maybe putting the poem into a differnt tense.
Hoping that I'm not stepping on any toes, but since you asked for helpIf I was to edit it for you I would probably write
walking by the river bank on mellow summer days
feeling changes, seeing change and senseing changes too
I hear the river trickling through rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The scent of life drifts through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The fragrence of flowers
Even the common weeds contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind ,like freezing slaps across my face
The branches of the once fruitfull trees bare
All accept the pine trees
The only things that were evergreen
Fell free to use and/or ignore my advice as you see fit.
opinon only. Right, here I go....
Firstly your theme. For anything themed on transformation, or change, Season is an obivous topic to chose. This is on the one hand a safe option, your always going to fullfil the criteria, but the other hand, in competion, lots of other people will also be using the same theme, which means a lost chace to make your poem stand out from the crowd.
Enough about the theme, on the the actual poem. Its a good poem, it paints a colourful picture , and you can imagine your delf right there. I'm not to hot on the first line. How about a lest jarring adjective for the day. Mellow? or some such thing. exotic has a jarring feal about it. Maybe putting the poem into a differnt tense.
Hoping that I'm not stepping on any toes, but since you asked for helpIf I was to edit it for you I would probably write
walking by the river bank on mellow summer days
feeling changes, seeing change and senseing changes too
I hear the river trickling through rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The scent of life drifts through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The fragrence of flowers
Even the common weeds contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind ,like freezing slaps across my face
The branches of the once fruitfull trees bare
All accept the pine trees
The only things that were evergreen
Fell free to use and/or ignore my advice as you see fit.
I love poetry, Do you not find that when you are actually asked to write it is inevitable that it won't be your best work? I get these feelings and ideas and need to write. I can't simply be made to....
anyway!
It's good, I think you need a stronger Iambic pentametre (beat) the line lengths are very irregular. This will help with the flow and idea of transforming. It's a good idea - the seasons. If you find that hard why don't you try doing one about life. Maybe you can relate it to you and that's always easier...Just an idea.
The ending is really nice. It's almost like your merrily talking to yourself and contradicting yourself. I like it!
anyway!
It's good, I think you need a stronger Iambic pentametre (beat) the line lengths are very irregular. This will help with the flow and idea of transforming. It's a good idea - the seasons. If you find that hard why don't you try doing one about life. Maybe you can relate it to you and that's always easier...Just an idea.
The ending is really nice. It's almost like your merrily talking to yourself and contradicting yourself. I like it!
I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Seasons
As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen
Page: