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"Writing help please?"

I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -

Seasons

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen

Lil Ginge wrote:
> :D "I think we have a winner"!

Lol just as I post my new version you post that. Thanks anyway Ginge but could you look at what I've put now as well? It's basically the same but I really like the original first line.

I thought Haiku was three lines.
5-7-5
No?

Actually I agree with KY and think the opening line I had before was good. I'm going to keep that but that means I have to change the second line. I have given it a shot but I don't think i's very good -

Evergreen

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I realised the beaten path had changed in a revolutionary way
I could hear the river trickle soothingly through the rocks
Dancing elegantly around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine trees
The smell of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the scent
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that never appeared before
I remember when the ground was as white as paper
The wind a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit filled trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that stayed evergreen

I think I should put a comma between "changed" and "in" on the second line but I'm not sure if I can do that or if I am supposed to just take a new line which I amn't allowed to do... The one good thing about having such a small line limit is that I don't have to cope with stanzas. If only I though Haiku would win. I'd only have to write about 4 lines and make them amazing.

:D "I think we have a winner"!

Ok here is the poem as it stands with everyones constructive criticism combined -

Evergreen

It had changed so much in such a short time
I could hear the river trickle soothingly through the rocks
Dancing elegantly around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine trees
The smell of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the scent
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that never appeared before
I remember when the ground was as white as paper
The wind a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit filled trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that stayed evergreen

His description of the wind was good I though, descriped as a cold slap.

The wind; a banshee's frosty wail that tore at skin,

Line-by-line commentary: Hope this gives you some good ideas and offers some constructive criticism.

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day ['summers' - good opening line, lots of room for things to happen.


I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too [Really crap, sounds like an 8 year old's work. Find a diff way to express this, get rid of "too" ending]

I could hear the river trickling through the rocks [Need a word between river and trickling, something like slowly or another descriptive word.

Dancing around the pebbles [something between dancing and around -elegently maybe?]

The smell of life drifted through the air [Nice visual image]

The bittersweet smell of pine [Aww lovelly]

The smell of flowers [Chance the word smell, it is in the last line - use "scent"]

Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma [great]
Tulips surrounded by Roses [room for a metaphor, me thinks- "Surrounded by roses like the sunlight encasing the earth" something line that]

Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s [Feeling of unity, nice]

And thousands of combinations that were never there before [..Never appeared before]

I remember when the ground as white as paper [Remember what, exactly? - ...ground WAS as white as paper, maybe?]

The wind was like a freezing slap across my face [Nice personification of the wind, I like it]

The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare [Fruitful or fruit filled]

All accept the pine trees [Short & snappy, good]

They were the only things that was evergreen [Reword to "Were the only things that were evergreen]

I agree with Ros about the caressing thing but I'm not sure if biting is the right word. I think I'll leave it as -

The wind a freezing slap across my face

However I'm still open for suggestions on the other lines if anyone has any opinions.

Blank wrote:
> Write about the transformation of mantubes. Or manclams, but I don't
> really know what they are.

He he he. You'd know a manclam when you saw one.