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"Writing help please?"

I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -

Seasons

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen

too cheesy

How about "Caressing with an icy touch".

I liked slap better. How about biting?

How about -

The wind a freezing pain across my face

? I can't find another word that properly conveys the feeliing of random blasts of ice cold wind hitting your face as if an attack. I also have to keep it to one line so that's another factor making it harder.

Iambic pentameter isn't the beat. It's having a specific rythm of 5 beats per line.

Pedantic but true. So rar rar :-)

"The wind a freezing slap across my face"

sounds better. Lose the "like a".

And slap is a coarse word to use in this context. Try and find a different one.

Thanks Ros, it's really hard keeping it within the 16 line limit:(

Its better, still needs a bit of work though.

Ok how about this -

Evergreen

It had changed so much in such a short time
I could feel the changes, see the changes and even sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine trees
The smell of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground was as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that stayed evergreen


It's not terribly different but what do you all think?

its cool, have the confidence and look at it from new angle. It is good though

Hmmm people seem to find the first line to be the worst and I'm sure one of you said I need to make the lines about the same length for rythym. I'll take all your advice into account thanks :D