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"Writing help please?"

I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -

Seasons

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen

Note: Although poetry is a unique style of writing, it still requires punctuation.

No, leave it. I actually do not like poetry so I am not a good judge but I think, personally, that the last draft looks fine. You will never get what you really want if everyone else keeps changing it and as you have already won competitions you must have a feel for this.

Okay, here is my small effort.

Our world is in pain
Harsh reality of life
Death awaits us all

That would pretty good. In my opinon.

I was thinking of asking Snuggly or someone to delete this entire thread so we could start it up again with the final draughts of all our poems? We could name it "The Official Poetry and Hai-ku Thread" and we could all post our stuff. Should I ask?

I love poetry, we should get a poetry thread going.

Evergreen

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
While I admired how much the beaten path had changed
I could hear the river trickle soothingly through the rocks
Dancing elegantly around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine trees
The scent of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that never appeared before
I remember when the ground was as white as paper
The wind a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit filled trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that stayed evergreen

TA DA! What do you all think? I think I've finished but I'm willing to hear any final comments any of you may have. Thanks for all your constructive criticism especially KY and Ros.

The void calls me home,
Forever shall I stay there,
Entropy prevails.

Rosalind wrote:

> invading hands touch;
> trailing along my skin to
> find a secret place

Well it works for me!

I suppose pales can have 1 or 2 syllables depending how you say it.

Anyway scrap that how about:

invading hands touch;
trailing along my skin to
find a secret place

Ineedsleep wrote:
> I only counted 6 beats in the second line, what am I doing wrong?

No your right.

Back to the drawing board.

this is harder than it looks.