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"Writing help please?"

I have tried writing poetry in the past and have won a competition or two in the past but I have been asked to attempt to write a poem for a National Poetry Day competition. It can be no longer than 16 lines long and has to fit with the theme of "Transformation". I have decided to do a poem about the transformation from one season to another but am having serious doubts about my poetry. I am not allowed to receive any help in writing it but if any of you could read it and give an honest opinion (maybe telling me what you like best, what you don't like, what you think I should expand on etc) then I would appreciate it. Anyway I'll post my poem here and await your constructive criticism -

Seasons

As I walked along the river bank one exotic summer’s day
I could feel the changes, see the changes and sense the changes too
I could hear the river trickling through the rocks
Dancing around the pebbles
The smell of life drifted through the air
The bittersweet smell of pine
The smell of flowers
Even the most common weed contributed to the aroma
Tulips surrounded by Roses
Daffodils partnered with Daisy’s
And thousands of combinations that were never there before
I remember when the ground as white as paper
The wind was like a freezing slap across my face
The branches of the once fruit full trees were bare
All accept the pine trees
They were the only things that was evergreen

I think you changed the wrong bit, try

The scent of exotic and common flowers
Even the lowliest weed contributed to the aroma.

I was going to post this last night but read another topic and lost it a little.

I only counted 6 beats in the second line, what am I doing wrong?

No no, I've got it now...

heat of the red sun
pales from yellow to white
as winter has come

5-7-5

yeay!

Lol excellent first Ros and then the forum! Soon everyone will have self doubt!...ehem...

Bah thats all wrong. I'm a failure

*cries*

heat of the red sun
pales to white
as winter has come

*smug*

Kyz22 wrote:
> His description of the wind was good I though, descriped as a cold
> slap.

Banshee's frosty wail!

Well done **Gives Ros a medal of sorts**

Cubist wrote:

> Quite possibly, check dictionary.com that'll tell you

hai·ku

-A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables, traditionally invoking an aspect of nature or the seasons.
-A poem written in this form.

Rosalind wrote:
> I thought Haiku was three lines.
> 5-7-5
> No?

Quite possibly, check dictionary.com that'll tell you