Viewing Thread:
"What would YOU do in my situation?"

Okay, I'm not exactly asking for advice here - just opinions, thoughts, etc.

Please bear with me - this is going to be a long one!

Relationships!

I've only ever loved one girl. I met her in 1981 when I was ten, and she was nine. I lived in London, my aunts and uncles lived in Northampton. I used to come up to Northampton with my parents during school holidays, and that's when I first saw her.

She lived in the row of houses behind my aunt's house, and I felt something for her the very first time I saw her. Maybe not love, as I was only ten - but definitely... something.

I got to know her, we became friends; then I used to come up to Northampton for every school holiday, and we'd spend all our time together. Eventually it grew into more than friendship, and became a 'long distance' relationship. Then, my parents decided to move to Northampton. Not because of my relationship with this girl, but because of a number of other reasons. This was just before my 16th birthday, and as you can guess, it was great for me.

The relationship continued for a while, then we went through a series of break-ups and make-ups, but the relationship was 'on' more than it was 'off'. Then in 1993, I asked her to marry me. It wasn't going to be an imminent wedding - we both agreed that it would be a long engagement, but we wanted to show the world a serious commitment.

Things went great, and we booked a holiday abroad in 1996. About a month before we were due to go away, she suddenly broke it to me that the relationship wasn't working and she didn't know if she loved me any more. Wanted to be friends, and so on. Evidently things hadn't been going quite as well as they appeared to be, and I was devastated. I'd have happily given life and limb for this girl, and she just ripped my heart out.

For various reasons (not least of which was that neither of us wanted to lose the £600-plus we'd each paid out), we decided to go ahead with the holiday. It was okay - friendly, if a little strained at times, but far from the romantic fortnight in the sun I'd been looking forward to when we booked. I went out of my way to be nice on the holiday - I suppose hoping that somehow I'd get her to change her mind.

But it didn't work. After we got back, I saw her maybe two or three times more, and that was it. I sent her a letter explaining my feelings, which she complained about, saying that it was unfair making her feel bad about the situation; and I was told later by her step-mum that she'd also torn up all the photos she had of me and her together, both from the holiday and all those from the times before.

That was in October 1996, and I've not seen or heard from her since. I've seen her step-mum a few times, and she's always nice enough - she blames my ex totally, for everything. As far as I know, so do her father, step-brother and step-sister - all of whom have been nothing but nice to me whenever I've run into them.

Shortly after we split, I heard that she'd taken up with some fat older guy, who'd left his wife and kids. More recently (two months ago) I heard that she'd just started a relationship with some new guy.

Since we split up, there has been no-one else in my life. The only thing even approaching a romantic involvement was a quick smooch outside a nightclub with a girl I used to work with. I suppose I just sort of shut down emotionally after the split. I've never really looked to find anyone else, because I just couldn't be bothered. Not that I'm still hung up on her, you understand - it took me quite some time to get over it, but in every way, I've been perfectly happy with living the single life.

Now here's the killer!

In the post on Thursday morning came a letter in a plain brown envelope, with my name and address hand-written on the front. As I've been doing a fair bit of trading on eBay, I thought nothing of it at first - probably just another cheque from someone. But when I turned it over to open it, there were some markings on the back that were familiar - nothing special, just some lines across the flap.

It was familiar because, when we were kids living sixty miles apart, we used to write to each other, and we made these marks on the envelopes to 'make sure' that no-one had opened the letters. It flashed through my mind, but I thought nothing of it other than a coincidence - after all, what interest would she have in sending me a letter after six years?

But shock horror - it is from her. Or at least I think it is. Let me explain some more...

The letter says that she still loves me after all this time, that she made a mistake and wishes we'd never broken up. It also says that she knows it's too late for us now, but she wants me to know that she's always thinking of me, and that she does 'truly' love me, and ends with a stack of 'kisses'.

The only thing is, it's not signed. The writing does look like hers, pretty much. And there's things we used to put on Xmas/Birthday cards for each other as kids - you know, "Me 4 You" and hearts with arrows through them, etc. But where her initials would be, there are just ?'s. There are also some other symbols which only she and I would know about. At the top, it appears that whoever sent it wrote a phone number, but this has been comprehensively crossed out, and I can't tell what it is.

So I'm left wondering about three possibilities.

Option 1: It's nothing at all to do with her, and is someone's idea of a sick joke. But I know of no-one else who would know these little symbols that we used to write, which had meaning only to us.

Option 2: It's her own idea of a sick joke - maybe dreamed up with a friend or something, for a laugh at my expense. But why, after all this time? I've quite deliberately never enquired after her with any of her family - she wanted to be left alone, and that's exactly what I did. There shouldn't be any animosity (other than maybe from me!), particularly after all this time, as she's the one who dumped me. Even so, when it would be blatantly obvious who it's from, what's the reasoning behind not signing it, and using ?'s in place of her initials?

Option 3: It is from her, and it is genuine. If so - why not sign it, and why use ?'s in place of her initials? And why provide no method of contact?

They're the only options I can think of, and none of them really make any sense.

Now my best friend asked me a while ago what I'd do if my ex ever showed up wanting to get back together, and I said that I wouldn't be interested. I did say, though, that I'd have no objections to just being a casual friend to her, as I've long since moved on from the anger that I felt at the time.

And I stand by that. I think I will always have some kind of feeling for this girl, but even after receiving this letter, I have no interest in getting back into a relationship with her. Quite simply, there is no way I could trust her again as far as my heart and emotions are concerned. I've changed since then - built up a wall to protect myself, and I don't plan on letting her in to hurt me again. Casual friendship I could take easily, but no more.

So now we come to my possible responses.

Option 1: I just ignore it, forget about it, see if anything else happens and deal with it if/when it does.

Option 2: I drop a note in to her dad/step-mum, explaining about the letter. I could get them to pass on the message that I'd be willing to speak to her if that's what she wanted, but if it's a joke, to stop wasting my time and her money on postage.

So - what would YOU do?

You have had ties with this girl since the age of ten. Since the age of ten she has obviously played a huge part in your life...the same with her.

Usually on-off relationships arent safe. If she had it in her to break it up and never return she probably had her reasons (be them good or bad) but if she felt the same way as you did for her, she would of atleast continued to be a part of your life in someway.

Now, she has had several relationships since. By several they probably arent working and in a long shot here I am thinking that she may be comparing these relationships to what you had together, or now she has found that they arent working she is thinking back to the one person that had a huge significance in her life for a long time. She probably does have feelings for you. Again, she may just be confused and looking for an escape goat to her current situation.

But, from my view. I am in love. I know so because I have never felt this way about someone in my life before and I never want it to end. Infact, because I am such a huge div at one point I broke my relationship up because I was scared for those reasons (plus I thought I didnt deserve him).
After about a day and a bit I realised that I was torn inside and needed him in my life. If he cheated on me, left me, didnt love me no more I would be hurt but I would continue to hopefully be his best frind because I care about him so much and he is so special I would never ever want to loose him in my life - he is my best friend as well as a partner.

If she cared, which she probably did this letter may be a cure for her conscience. She obviously could not get back with you and knows she can't now. But writing that letter and leaving no name, no trace would atleast fulfill her conscience.

Wait and find someone who loves you so much they would never want to hurt you in this way. And enjoy that and cherish it

Um.. I guess.. I wouldn't take her back.

As Goaty said, I think she's had some bust ups with these new relationships and then she want to get back to the times with you.

I would be friends, and thats it. Remember, she broke your f'ing heart.

Oh yeah, music helps. Alot, if stuff gets bad.

:o)

Cheers, Goaty - what you've said makes a whole lot of sense. And believe me, you're not the only person who is warning me to be extremely careful about the whole situation.

There's certainly a lot of curiosity on my part, but it's tempered by a very high level of caution. I've no desire to go running back and let the whole sorry tale start all over again, and I've told her that.

Still, she was around here on Tuesday visiting her dad, and she still wanted to meet, so I bit the bullet and agreed to it. She'd been putting it off for ages, because she'd apparently put on a lot of weight since we were together, and was concerned what I may think.

We kept it fairly short (about an hour and a half) as it was the first time we'd seen each other in about 7 years, and didn't get into discussing anything too heavy about our past.

I'd expected to either feel angry with her over what happened, or to have lots of old feelings and emotions come flooding back. Instead, there was... nothing much at all.

It was obviously slightly awkward, but over-all it was just 'comfortable' - *almost* as if nothing had ever happened. There was no anger on my part, but nor was there any burning desire to fling my arms around her or anything like that.

It was literally just like seeing an old friend for the first time in years - no more emotional than that. There was *something* there - something almost insignificant - but it wasn't anything like the feelings I used to have, and I'm still not sure what it was.

One thing that left me absolutely dumbstruck was that she asked me to go and stay with her for a few days at some point in the near future. I just went quiet - it came staight out of nowhere, and I really didn't know what to say!

WòókieeMøn§†€® wrote:
> And no, I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment. If I was, I
> probably would have told her to clear off as soon as she made contact
> again.
---

There's your answer mate.
It's not her specifically you're interested in, it's the idea of "someone" and she's available.
It'd be the easiest thing to go back, there's history there (ok so some is bad but still a level of familiarity), and before you know it? Same old.

She never contacted you when she was with someone else, never bothered to speak/write/call you. That should tell you all you need to know about how high you were in her affections Wookiee.
And then all of a sudden, because she's single? "I'll get back with Wookiee".
These people are unable to function outside of a relationship - it's not a bad thing per se, doesn't make them a bad person - just some people need to be with others for whatever reason.

In my humble opinion, and it's repeating myself, you're being played Wookiee. Walk away and dont get involved, you'll only get hurt again.
I'm sure she's a nice enough person, but you deserve better than to run at her beck and call.
You should have a lot more respect for yourself than accepting someone that couldn't be arsed to contact you when things were going great.

I think the reason she diddnt put her name on it was incase you had a partner and she opened the letter.

I also think that you should not go near her, even for a friendship, thier are plenty more friends in the world.

Also i waited very patiently for the love of my life, so, if you do the same, im sure a better woman will come along.

Seems a fairly simple situation.

She's likely just gotten out of a relationship and feels emotionally vulnerable. Possibly believes (as some people do) that she may never find "the one", and has perhaps already dumped him previously anyway.

In a desperate bid for attention, she contacts the person "she really connected with" or whatever.

Note - the childhood symbols. Symbols of what life was like way back when. It was different, perhaps, innocent. A cry for help.

Note - Signed "??". It's a question. Do you know who it's from? After all these years, do you still remember? She obviously wants you to, but wants you to approach her, rather than the other way around.

My advice would be to write back. The last thing someone like that needs is to be ignored. Certainly, I wouldn't write via her step-mum or something. That's like standing in a room with her and her step-mum and telling er step-mum to tell her you said "hi". Total rejection.

But certainly don't reply too soon. This isn't about trying to play it "cool", but instead sending a clear message that this isn't something you opened in the post and immediately thought to respond to. You certainly don't want to come across as eager, especially if you don't want to be anything more than friends.

But say hi, let her know what you've been doing for the last few years, and ask her what she's been up to.

Personally, if any of my ex's wrote to me, I would send them a vial of spit and a note written in black marker saying "F00K OFF!".

talk to her on the phone as if you never had the relationship and stay light hearted and happy, so you can talk to her but distance yourself from her.

WòókieeMøn§†€® wrote:
> I'm not really willing to throw myself back into a relationship with her.


Make sure she knows this, and that all you are after is friendship. If this is what you truly want, then you will be fine. If there is even one little part of you, (that could be taken in so many ways), that may want more, then I imagine she would take you in, chew you up and spit you out all over again.

I would just say make sure you know how you really feel about the woman before you meet her again.

No, she definitely wants more than friends, but I'm very dubious about it for obvious reasons.

I know full well that she could never hurt me again the way she did, but even so I'm not really willing to throw myself back into a relationship with her.

And no, I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment. If I was, I probably would have told her to clear off as soon as she made contact again.

Does she only want to meet in your “friends” capacity?

You say you have exchanged a few letters and that is about it. So, are you more acquaintances that have a history now? Do you really consider yourselves to be, “friends”?

Having just read most of the old posts, I would have to say that I agree with the Goat, you were played. Something similar happened to me not too long ago.

Luckily for me, I had only known the girl for around 2 years, but I can sympathise a little with the situation you found yourself in.

Incidentally, are you seeing anyone else now?