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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
A teacher is meeting her new class and says
"so we can get to know each other better, i want to say your name, and what your dad does for a living"
the first kid says
"My names Billy and my dad's a teacher". The teacher smiles and says
"Thats a good job isn't it".
The nest kid says
"My names debbie and my dads a lorry driver". The teacher grins, and is glad they everythings going so well. She then approaches another boy
"Well my names Jimmie" says the kid in a small french accent "and my dad does striptease for gay men in a bar". The teacher looks horrified and quickly changes the subject.
During lunch, the Teacher goes to Jimmie and says
"Does your dad really striptease for gay men?" and billy says
"No, he plays for the french football team, but i was to embarrased 2 say"
"so we can get to know each other better, i want to say your name, and what your dad does for a living"
the first kid says
"My names Billy and my dad's a teacher". The teacher smiles and says
"Thats a good job isn't it".
The nest kid says
"My names debbie and my dads a lorry driver". The teacher grins, and is glad they everythings going so well. She then approaches another boy
"Well my names Jimmie" says the kid in a small french accent "and my dad does striptease for gay men in a bar". The teacher looks horrified and quickly changes the subject.
During lunch, the Teacher goes to Jimmie and says
"Does your dad really striptease for gay men?" and billy says
"No, he plays for the french football team, but i was to embarrased 2 say"
Sorry about the double post :P
Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.
The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".
The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.
The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."
They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".
The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.
The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."
They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Three blondes are walking in the woods. They come across a set of tracks.
The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".
The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.
The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."
They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
The 1st blonde looks closely and says: "Those are moose tracks".
The 2nd blonde crouches down and examines the tracks. "No, those are rabbit tracks," she says.
The 3rd blonde gets down on her hands and knees, checking the tracks very closely. "You're both wrong," she says. "Those are tiger tracks."
They began to argue about exactly what type of tracks they had found. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A blonde went into a electronic store and she asked on of the staff how much a tv was. The staff said "sorry we dont sell to blondes." She went home and the next day she came back as a brunette. She asked one of the staff "how much is that tv?" He said "sorry we dont sell to blondes."
She went home. The next day, she came back as a red head and she asked one of the staff "how much is this tv? He said "sorry we dont sell to blondes." She said "I have come back here as a brunette and a red head, how did you know i was a blonde?" He said "I know because that is not a tv, that is a microwave."
She went home. The next day, she came back as a red head and she asked one of the staff "how much is this tv? He said "sorry we dont sell to blondes." She said "I have come back here as a brunette and a red head, how did you know i was a blonde?" He said "I know because that is not a tv, that is a microwave."
A bunch of school kids in Ireland are all sitting waiting for their teacher when the headmaster comes in and says that there teacher is ill and a new substitute teacher will be along shortly.
The new teacher enters and asks each child to write a short poem to describe themselves and what they would like in the future.
The first child up is Dan
"My name is Dan
When I grow up I will become a man
I also hope to drive a blue van"
The teacher gives him a sweet and says well done. Next up is Mary Brady
"My name is Mary Brady
When I grow up I will be a lady
and also want to have a baby."
Next was another Dan, a cheeky smile filled his face as he stood up.
"My name is also Dan
When I grow up I will travel to China and Japan
and if Mary Brady wants a baby then I'm her bloody man"
The new teacher enters and asks each child to write a short poem to describe themselves and what they would like in the future.
The first child up is Dan
"My name is Dan
When I grow up I will become a man
I also hope to drive a blue van"
The teacher gives him a sweet and says well done. Next up is Mary Brady
"My name is Mary Brady
When I grow up I will be a lady
and also want to have a baby."
Next was another Dan, a cheeky smile filled his face as he stood up.
"My name is also Dan
When I grow up I will travel to China and Japan
and if Mary Brady wants a baby then I'm her bloody man"
"If _____ Made Toasters"
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost 16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost 16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
"I Hit Two of My Best Balls"
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
Hercules! wrote:
> Everyone elses jokes will be from somewhere off the net so I dont know
> why you are all saying its mainly me.
>
> ggrrr!
I never said it's mainly you.
> Everyone elses jokes will be from somewhere off the net so I dont know
> why you are all saying its mainly me.
>
> ggrrr!
I never said it's mainly you.
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