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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Learning the language:
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Why......?
Only smarties have the answer.
Hur hur
Only smarties have the answer.
Hur hur
My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?"
Well, this sounds good to me. It would be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever
covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital,
and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan
to live as a woman under the Taliban.
Well, this sounds good to me. It would be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr.
Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever
covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital,
and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan
to live as a woman under the Taliban.
Practical Definitions
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Etc :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous social life.
Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Politician :- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist :- A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY .
Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary :- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master's.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest of us...except that he got caught.
Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Philosopher:- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience :- The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer:- someone who is paid for reading this mail.
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Etc :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous social life.
Ecstasy :- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Politician :- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Optimist :- A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY .
Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Dictionary :- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Marriage :- It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master's.
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Rumor :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest of us...except that he got caught.
Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Philosopher:- A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience :- The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer:- someone who is paid for reading this mail.
THE TITANIC
An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor.
"What was that for?", says the Chinaman.
"That", says the Jew, " Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you pillocks!"
The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says "Hey wait, I'm Chinese, not Japanese, it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour." The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same to me." So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked.
"What was that for?"
"That was for sinking the Titanic"
"The Titanic!", says the Jew. "The Titanic was sunk by a iceberg!" And the Chinese says "Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, you're all the same to me!"
An American Jew enters into a bar and sees a Chinese guy having a beer. He walks over and gives the Chinese guy a huge back hander which lays the poor guy out on the floor.
"What was that for?", says the Chinaman.
"That", says the Jew, " Was for bombing Pearl Harbour you pillocks!"
The poor Chinese guy is lost. He says "Hey wait, I'm Chinese, not Japanese, it was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbour." The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same to me." So the Chinaman gives the American Jew a huge back hander that lays him out on the floor. The Jew is shocked.
"What was that for?"
"That was for sinking the Titanic"
"The Titanic!", says the Jew. "The Titanic was sunk by a iceberg!" And the Chinese says "Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, you're all the same to me!"
Do you know how hard it is find a joke that is PC, these days?
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two a**holes on that camel.'"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two a**holes on that camel.'"
Who's Saudi-Arabia's new striker who has recently been suffering from diarrhoea?
Mustafa Crap.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Mustafa Crap.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Tony, my good man, you sound depressed. So it's about time you heard my (very) embarasing gym story.
I was on one of those jogging machine things, and I thought to myself 'I wonder what would happen if I just stopped jogging?'
So I did. About a second later I was FLUNG back from the machine and landed on the hard, moist floor. It was like something on Jackass. Luckily I didn't hurt myself though. Unlike my Skateboarding reputation. I have only ever broken bones from Skateboarding. Recently, I attempted a half-pipe. I fell. Ibroke two bones (Ulna and Radius). I was shouting at my mate to phone an ambulance as my arm wobbled, bone slighltly protruding from underneath. I now have scars (I could send you a pic to prove it). Then, this other time when I was showin off at boardind, I fractured my wrist from BURNING down a hill. So you see Tony. Being older is being wiser. You don't want to be young and naive [stupid]. It's not all it's it's cracked up to be.
I was on one of those jogging machine things, and I thought to myself 'I wonder what would happen if I just stopped jogging?'
So I did. About a second later I was FLUNG back from the machine and landed on the hard, moist floor. It was like something on Jackass. Luckily I didn't hurt myself though. Unlike my Skateboarding reputation. I have only ever broken bones from Skateboarding. Recently, I attempted a half-pipe. I fell. Ibroke two bones (Ulna and Radius). I was shouting at my mate to phone an ambulance as my arm wobbled, bone slighltly protruding from underneath. I now have scars (I could send you a pic to prove it). Then, this other time when I was showin off at boardind, I fractured my wrist from BURNING down a hill. So you see Tony. Being older is being wiser. You don't want to be young and naive [stupid]. It's not all it's it's cracked up to be.
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