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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Hercules! wrote:
>
> Rickoss, i'd love one but thats not my soul purpose of doing all this.
> Plus, ive got one to claim already.
>
> :)
Heh, fair enough :-D
>
> Rickoss, i'd love one but thats not my soul purpose of doing all this.
> Plus, ive got one to claim already.
>
> :)
Heh, fair enough :-D
THREE GUYS GO TO HEAVEN...
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another women. St . Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven." The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven." The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad? You are in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?" He answers, "SHE WAS RIDING A BICYCLE!"
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?" The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another women. St . Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven." The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven." The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every bit of tail I could, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven. The three guys go off on their separate ways. A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along in the Buick when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad? You are in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?" He answers, "SHE WAS RIDING A BICYCLE!"
Gareth Gates walked into a shop wanting a Mars Bar. He came out with M&Ms.
"Barnyard Poem"
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
--------
1) That wasnt me milking the cow..... it was eermm..... him over there --->
2) Now *that* made me laugh.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
--------
1) That wasnt me milking the cow..... it was eermm..... him over there --->
2) Now *that* made me laugh.
"A Husband's Moment of Realization"
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
-----
Rickoss, i'd love one but thats not my soul purpose of doing all this. Plus, ive got one to claim already.
:)
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
-----
Rickoss, i'd love one but thats not my soul purpose of doing all this. Plus, ive got one to claim already.
:)
You really want a GAD, don't you Herc? ;-D
"Bad Male Drivers"
Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.
Bill turnes to Bob and says, ''What the hell are you doing?''
Bob says, ''Don't worry—my brother does it all the time.'' So on they go, and — bam! — 85 mph through another red light!
Again Bob says, ''Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!'' Then they're driving along and coming up on another red light, and as soon as it turns green, Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!
Bill looks over and says, ''What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?''
Bob says, ''My brother may have been coming the other way!''
Bob and Bill are driving down the road going about 85 mph. Up comes a red light and Bob goes right through it.
Bill turnes to Bob and says, ''What the hell are you doing?''
Bob says, ''Don't worry—my brother does it all the time.'' So on they go, and — bam! — 85 mph through another red light!
Again Bob says, ''Don't worry, my brother does it all the time!'' Then they're driving along and coming up on another red light, and as soon as it turns green, Bob jams on the breaks and skids to a stop!
Bill looks over and says, ''What the hell is wrong with you, you jerk? The damn light is green. Why did you stop?''
Bob says, ''My brother may have been coming the other way!''
"Old Ladies and The Flasher"
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady, well, she couldn't reach that far.
Hoho
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady, well, she couldn't reach that far.
Hoho
"Grasshopper Biology"
A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.
So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.
A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.
So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.
"The Lost Chapter in Genesis"
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companon and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companon and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history....
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