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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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3 mice are sitting at a bar boasting about how brave they each are.
The first one drinks his shot of whisky in one and begins to speak:
“Yesterday a rat tried to get into my hole and he was at least twice the size of me. Single handedly I managed to kick him out, bite his arm and steal his cheese!”
The second one slams his empty beer stein onto the bar:
“So what! I was so hungry yesterday I had to get a piece of cheddar from a trap! I back flipped onto it before holding the bar back with my bare hands and eating the piece with one bite!
The third mouse puts down his bottle, hops of his stool and heads to the door.
“see ya guys, I’m off to shagg the cat.”
The first one drinks his shot of whisky in one and begins to speak:
“Yesterday a rat tried to get into my hole and he was at least twice the size of me. Single handedly I managed to kick him out, bite his arm and steal his cheese!”
The second one slams his empty beer stein onto the bar:
“So what! I was so hungry yesterday I had to get a piece of cheddar from a trap! I back flipped onto it before holding the bar back with my bare hands and eating the piece with one bite!
The third mouse puts down his bottle, hops of his stool and heads to the door.
“see ya guys, I’m off to shagg the cat.”
"A Small Problem"
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your 'bum', didn't it?'''
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your 'bum', didn't it?'''
Driving to the office this morning on the M4, I looked over to my left to witness a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 mph with her face right up against her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashing and burning Big Jim and the Twins, ruining the damn phone and DISCONNECTING AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!!
It scared me (I'm a man) so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashing and burning Big Jim and the Twins, ruining the damn phone and DISCONNECTING AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
Tony is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives him, his drink she says "it's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 50th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As Tony finishes his drink the woman to his right says
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
Tony says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender.
As he finishes his drink the man to his right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."
Tony says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives him the drink he says, "Sir I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
Then Tony replies, "Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink in fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As Tony finishes his drink the woman to his right says
"I guess I should buy you a drink."
Tony says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"All right," says the bartender.
As he finishes his drink the man to his right says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one."
Tony says, "All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives him the drink he says, "Sir I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
Then Tony replies, "Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
Tony visited his doctor and asked him if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked Tony, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied
"Do you gamble, drive extremelly fast cars, and fool around with young women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either, well maybe the fast car thing once."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: "I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
2nd: "I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
1st: "The secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Old man: "I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
Clerk: "Wow! It's certain to get hard before you eat it all!"
Old man: "Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"
The doctor asked Tony, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied
"Do you gamble, drive extremelly fast cars, and fool around with young women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either, well maybe the fast car thing once."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: "I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
2nd: "I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
1st: "The secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Old man: "I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
Clerk: "Wow! It's certain to get hard before you eat it all!"
Old man: "Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"
The logic of anti-smokers
Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and putrefies my hair and clothes, not to
mention my lungs.
This takes place without my consent.
I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again. The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair took a wee wee on your head and clothes without your consent?
Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and putrefies my hair and clothes, not to
mention my lungs.
This takes place without my consent.
I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again. The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair took a wee wee on your head and clothes without your consent?
Why the British are superior to Americans:
In a recent television show, John Cleese gave three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.
In a recent television show, John Cleese gave three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.
Just for all the Geeks
1.Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2.COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3.Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4.2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5.Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6.Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7.My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9.C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10.<-------- The information went data way --------
11.Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12.The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13.BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14.The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15.BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16.Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17.C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18.Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19.Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20.As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21.Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22.Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23.E Pluribus Modem
24.... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25.Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26.A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27.An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28.CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
29.Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30.A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31.11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32.24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33.Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34.Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35.SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36.Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37.Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38.RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39.Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40.All computers wait at the same speed.
41.DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42.Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
43.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45.ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46.E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47.Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48.All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49.Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50."640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51.DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52.Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53.Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55.Go ahead, make my data!
1.Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2.COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3.Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4.2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5.Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6.Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7.My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8.C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9.C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10.<-------- The information went data way --------
11.Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
12.The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13.BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14.The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15.BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16.Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
17.C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18.Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19.Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20.As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21.Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22.Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23.E Pluribus Modem
24.... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25.Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26.A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27.An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28.CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
29.Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30.A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31.11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32.24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33.Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34.Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35.SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36.Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37.Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38.RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39.Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40.All computers wait at the same speed.
41.DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42.Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
43.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45.ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46.E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
47.Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48.All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49.Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50."640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51.DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52.Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53.Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55.Go ahead, make my data!
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangeroo?
A wooly jumper
Happy birthday when it comes Tonty. Just hope your kids buy you some cool pressies.
A wooly jumper
Happy birthday when it comes Tonty. Just hope your kids buy you some cool pressies.
Cute little golf story:
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three-foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him. Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three-foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him. Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
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