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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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World War III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
Heh, I liked those RM18.
:0)
Not really a joke but advice, watch Jackass or CKy vids. Go!
:0)
Not really a joke but advice, watch Jackass or CKy vids. Go!
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
The one with the priest that is
lol @ Diseased Monkey, that was quite good.
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''
A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."
People Really Said These Things In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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