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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Cat On A Hot Tin Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
slik ~_~
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."
The brother thought about it and apologized.
"So how's Mom?" asked the man.
"She's on the roof and won't come down."
slik ~_~
50? That's impossible, you don't look a day over 35...
Or has that already been done?
Or has that already been done?
The Pope’s bodyguard is readying the tinted window-bullet proofed Limousine, before using it to take his eminence to an important meeting with the Prime Minister. Having diligently checked the car for any potential threat he asks for the Pope to take a seat in the back. The Pope hesitates for a second or two and says,
“I’m bored of always being the passenger, I’ll drive and you can be in the back.”
Naturally the bodyguard refused, but when he was ordered to comply with the request he grudgingly sat on the luxurious leather back seat and let the Pope drive the car.
After several miles the car started to get faster and faster until it was breaking every speed violation on the stretch of road they were travelling. Within a minute they are halted by the sound of a police car’s siren and pull over at the side of the road. They comply with the order to wind down the tinted windows (much to the annoyance of the bodyguard) and the police officer’s immediate shocked reaction is to phone his Chief Inspector.
“Er sir you won’t believe who I have just stopped for speeding!”
“Who is it Constable?”
“Someone very important”
“Is it a footballer?”
“No more important”
“A film star?”
“No, much more important”
“A Member of Parliament”
“No!”
“Well just who is it that is so important, officer?”
“I’m not exactly certain who it is sir but he is so important he has the Pope as his chauffeur”.
“I’m bored of always being the passenger, I’ll drive and you can be in the back.”
Naturally the bodyguard refused, but when he was ordered to comply with the request he grudgingly sat on the luxurious leather back seat and let the Pope drive the car.
After several miles the car started to get faster and faster until it was breaking every speed violation on the stretch of road they were travelling. Within a minute they are halted by the sound of a police car’s siren and pull over at the side of the road. They comply with the order to wind down the tinted windows (much to the annoyance of the bodyguard) and the police officer’s immediate shocked reaction is to phone his Chief Inspector.
“Er sir you won’t believe who I have just stopped for speeding!”
“Who is it Constable?”
“Someone very important”
“Is it a footballer?”
“No more important”
“A film star?”
“No, much more important”
“A Member of Parliament”
“No!”
“Well just who is it that is so important, officer?”
“I’m not exactly certain who it is sir but he is so important he has the Pope as his chauffeur”.
Hur hur, me already done that one too....... sorry Russ!
;D
;D
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your paycheck bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
Your paycheck bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To visit his flat mate!
To visit his flat mate!
Tony walks into a pub, sits down at the bar and asks the barmaid for a shot of whisky.
From out of nowhere he hears, “like the suit mate, it looks great on you” followed by a deeper voice, “what?! That suit with those shoes, you must be joking! He looks a state!”
Tony turns around and looks about but can’t find where the voices were coming from.
He thinks nothing of it and drinks his whisky.
“wow look at you, you drink like a pro!” said the voice again. “A pro? A pro at what! He drinks like a little girl!” said the deeper voice. Tony looks about again but still can’t seem to find where the voices are coming from.
After about ten minutes of this heturns to the barmaid and asks, “ where are those voices coming from?”
“Well,” she replies, “the nuts are complementary but the juke box is just out of order.”
From out of nowhere he hears, “like the suit mate, it looks great on you” followed by a deeper voice, “what?! That suit with those shoes, you must be joking! He looks a state!”
Tony turns around and looks about but can’t find where the voices were coming from.
He thinks nothing of it and drinks his whisky.
“wow look at you, you drink like a pro!” said the voice again. “A pro? A pro at what! He drinks like a little girl!” said the deeper voice. Tony looks about again but still can’t seem to find where the voices are coming from.
After about ten minutes of this heturns to the barmaid and asks, “ where are those voices coming from?”
“Well,” she replies, “the nuts are complementary but the juke box is just out of order.”
Tonty or Tony whichever you choose,
To put they're age blunty there aged 5x the size of their shoes.
Their eyesight is failing, the hair is ash blonde,
Doesn't Tony remind you of Sean Connery's James Bond?
Suits, money, women and flair,
Not wives and saucepans SR babes and underwear.
You'd think they would have it all, you'd think they had the lot,
It's just too little too late as they've both lost the plot.
(Gah, not bad considering the time)
To put they're age blunty there aged 5x the size of their shoes.
Their eyesight is failing, the hair is ash blonde,
Doesn't Tony remind you of Sean Connery's James Bond?
Suits, money, women and flair,
Not wives and saucepans SR babes and underwear.
You'd think they would have it all, you'd think they had the lot,
It's just too little too late as they've both lost the plot.
(Gah, not bad considering the time)
Shut up Dav1d or I'll set you up with a can of whoop-ass
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