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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Corperate Lessons

Lesson #1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson #2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fornight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
B******t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson #3:

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a$$hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a$$hole being the Boss. So the a$$hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the a$$hole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the s**t!

Moral of the story:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any a$$hole will do.

How about a little Head?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?"

The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home."

The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home."

The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"

The Greatest Joke In The World

Part 1:

A man with no arms or legs was out one day for a bit of fresh air. As he guided his electric wheelchair along the pavement, he noticed a sign in the local parish church. It read ‘Bell Ringer Wanted – Enquire At The Vicar’s House Next Door’. Eager to get some more work he decided to ask about it. The town vicar opened the door:

“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, yes, okay, but, ah, wouldn’t it be a bit of a handful – pardon the pun – considering your limitations?” replied the vicar.
The man laughed, “Of course not!” he said.
“But then, how would you ring the bells?” said the vicar, anxiously.
“How’d did you think I rang the doorbell?” said the man.

Part 2:

Later that year, a different man with no arms (but fine legs) was out for a stroll, when he too stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he walked over the vicar’s house and knocked on it with his feet. After a few seconds, the vicar answered:

“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.

And so they made their way to the church next door, where the man promised he’d ring the bells with no arms. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard the most beautiful sound in the world, and decided to give him the job. When the man returned, however, he had a huge gash on his forehead, dripping with blood.

“How did I do?” said the man.
“Superb!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, it just wouldn’t be right for me to give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”

And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Instead of hitting the bell, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for his mistake. When he got there, there was already a policeman controlling things:

“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but his face rings a bell.”

Part 3:

The next year, our armless dead friend’s brother (who also had no arms) was out walking, when he, once again, stumbled upon the local church and ‘Help Wanted’ sign. So, he knocked on the door of the house next door, to be promptly answered by the vicar:

“Hello? How can I help you?”
“I’d like to apply for the bell ringing job” said the man.
“Well, okay then,” said the vicar “but how would you work? Considering your disability, I mean.”
“Well, I’ll show you!” said the man.

And so they walked over to the church. When they got in, the man ignored the ropes and he too proceeded to the top of the bell tower. He told the vicar to stand back, and then took a running jump at the bell. Just as he launched himself and made contact, the vicar heard an even more beautiful sound, and decided to give him the job, providing there were no problems. When the man returned though, he had a huge bleeding cut on his forehead aswell.

“How did I do?” said the man.
“Fantastic!” replied the vicar “But look at your head! I’m sorry, I can’t give you this job.”
“Wait! Let me show you once again!”

And before the vicar could do anything the man was already running towards the bell. Not wanting yet another tragic injury, the vicar moved the bell out of the way just as the man jumped. Just like before, he flew straight through the window and fell to his death. The vicar sprinted down to the spot where he landed, cursing himself for the same mistake twice. When he got there, there was already a policeman manning things:

“Do you know this man?” said the policeman.
“No,” said the vicar “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Fred West's daughter is in a science class..
The teacher asks her "How many feet are there in a yard?"
She answers "Hmmm well in my yard theres 36..."


*The ass-stick clan smash the "report this post"button wiv their fases*

...::SONG::...

He's tall,
He's scouse,
He'll rob your f**kin house,
It's Stevie Gerard!

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams…and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.
The doctor say, "You're not really a brunette, are you? You're really a blonde."

She sheepishly admits that she is indeed a blonde and asks, "But, how did you know?"
"Because, my dear…" he says, "Your finger is broken."

There was a young man that was studying to be a ventriloquist walking along one day, when he noticed an old Indian man sitting in front of his little store. The old man had his dog laying by his chair, a horse tied to a post nearby, and a sheep in a pen. The young man thought to himself that he would have a little fun with the old man so he walked up to him and asked if he cared if he talked to his dog.

The old man replied "Umm go ahead dog not talk". So the young man went over near the dog and to the Indians amazement seemed to be carrying on a conversation about how bad the Indian treated his dog, bad food, no exercise, etc. So the young man turned to the Indian and asked if it would be alright to talk to his horse. The Indian replied, "Umm go ahead horse not talk."

Again the young man went near the horse and seemed to be carrying on a conversation with the horse about how his owner mistreated him, tied to a post all day, bad food, etc. This time as the young man turned to the Indian man whose eyes were bulging in amazement, the Indian man quickly told him: "Don't talk to sheep - sheep tell lies!"

A Chinese man walks into a shop with a parrot on his shoulder, and the shopkeeper says, "Blimey, where did you get that?". And the parrot says, "China, there's loads of 'em there."

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child.

"Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!."

As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.

"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.

"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.

"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.

"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

On a cross country trip a plane runs into a terrible storm. The passengers are screaming as the plane gets pounded by wind, rain, hail and lightning. They are certain the plane is going to crash and that they'll perish with it.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she nods her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."