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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Two friends are walking down the street when one says,"Where did you get that wicked bike?" the other friend then says,"Well, I was walking along the other day minding my own business when a real beautiful woman rode up to me on this very bike. she then threw it to the ground, took her clothes off and said,"Take what you want". the other friend nodded and replied," Nice choice, her clothes most probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very attracted to the nun because she was surprisingly beautiful. After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun "Will you have sex with me?"
The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop. Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out.
He said to the young man, "I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the graveyard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you."
This gave the hippie great hope. That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?"
Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed.
"I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be @n@l sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood."
The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex. When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun.
He took off his robe, revealing a tye-dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp necklaces. "HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" he exclaimed.
Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit, revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled "HA HA! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop. Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided to help him out.
He said to the young man, "I know that nun. Every night, she goes to the graveyard at 9:00 to pray at the grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you."
This gave the hippie great hope. That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?"
Now, of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed.
"I just have one request," said the nun, "it has to be @n@l sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood."
The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex. When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to reveal his identity to the nun.
He took off his robe, revealing a tye-dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp necklaces. "HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" he exclaimed.
Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit, revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled "HA HA! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!"
Two men sitting in a bar drinking... a lot. As they are sitting there drinking away, one man turns to the other and says " I have got to get out of here! I have to go home & take my wifes panties OFF". The other man looks at him with confusion and replies "Well, what in the world made you think of that?"
And he replies, "Because they are too damn tight & they are cutting off my blood circulation!"
And he replies, "Because they are too damn tight & they are cutting off my blood circulation!"
A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."
The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."
The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women-what makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with ...you know, what makes them tick."
The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?"
The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."
The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women-what makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with ...you know, what makes them tick."
The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?"
The three stages of male sex-life
*AGE*
16-30 Tri-weekly
30-50 Try-weekly
50+ Try-weakly
*AGE*
16-30 Tri-weekly
30-50 Try-weekly
50+ Try-weakly
This guy dies and goes to Hell. The Devil meets him at the gates and says "There are 3 rooms here and you can choose which one you want to spend eternity in".
The Devil takes him to the first room where there were people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees loads of people sitting around, up to their waists in poo, drinking cups of tea.
The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend the rest of eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads!"
The Devil takes him to the first room where there were people hanging from the walls by their wrists and obviously in agony.
The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped with metal chains.
The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees loads of people sitting around, up to their waists in poo, drinking cups of tea.
The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend the rest of eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys, tea break's over, back on your heads!"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster--one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Spike here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Spike back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Spike a little pep talk: "Spike," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Spike strutted into the henhouse. Spike was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Spike had finished having his way with each hen.
But Spike didn't stop there. Spike went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Spike!! You'll kill yourself!!"
But Spike continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Spike lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Spike.
The farmer walked up to Spike saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."
"Shhhhhhh," Spike whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Spike a little pep talk: "Spike," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Spike strutted into the henhouse. Spike was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Spike had finished having his way with each hen.
But Spike didn't stop there. Spike went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Spike!! You'll kill yourself!!"
But Spike continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Spike lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Spike.
The farmer walked up to Spike saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."
"Shhhhhhh," Spike whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?!"
An Eskimo was having problems with his car, so he decided to take it to a mechanic. After examining the engine, the mechanic reported the problem. "Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic told the Eskimo. "Nope," said the Eskimo, "that's just frost in my mustache."
Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. They stumble upon an unusual lamp. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q." The genie says: "Done." Suddenly, the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.
The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.Q." The genie says: "Done." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I.Q." The genie looks at her and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The woman says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the genie "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the genie said, the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the genie sighed and said: "Done."
And she became a man.
The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.Q." The genie says: "Done." The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I.Q." The genie looks at her and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider." The woman says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "Please," says the genie "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the genie said, the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power. So the genie sighed and said: "Done."
And she became a man.
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