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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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SORRY!! This ones a bit rude but not too bad. I hope you dont mind. :)
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained
that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
*SP:* "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend
the rest of eternity?"
*Flea:* "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the
rest of
eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."
*SP:* "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
*SP:* "Flea, how are you doing?"
*Flea:* "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her
dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have
a headache from the smell."
*SP:* "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice
on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have
you thought about what else you might like to do?"
*Flea:* "Oh yes St Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't
bring
it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."
*SP:* "So be it, it's done."
Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
*SP:* "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"
*Flea:* "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get waked up in
the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time
and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's
Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"
*SP:* "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind
about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have
you considered what else you might like to do?"
*Flea:* "Oh St Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that
I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."
*SP:* "So be it, it's done."
Not being able to stand his curiosity St. Peter decided to check on the flea
again after a few weeks.
*SP:* "How's it going flea?"
*Flea:* "Oh hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there
was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained
that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
*SP:* "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend
the rest of eternity?"
*Flea:* "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the
rest of
eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."
*SP:* "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
*SP:* "Flea, how are you doing?"
*Flea:* "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her
dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have
a headache from the smell."
*SP:* "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice
on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have
you thought about what else you might like to do?"
*Flea:* "Oh yes St Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't
bring
it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."
*SP:* "So be it, it's done."
Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
*SP:* "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"
*Flea:* "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get waked up in
the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time
and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's
Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"
*SP:* "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind
about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have
you considered what else you might like to do?"
*Flea:* "Oh St Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that
I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."
*SP:* "So be it, it's done."
Not being able to stand his curiosity St. Peter decided to check on the flea
again after a few weeks.
*SP:* "How's it going flea?"
*Flea:* "Oh hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there
was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"
A paper bag goes to the doctors for an examination, and is told to come back
one week later for the results. Sure enough, he returns, and the
doctor says "I've got some rather serious news for you"
"What is it?", asks the bag.
"Well, the thing is, you've got Hepatitis B."
"How can that be?", he asks,"I've never been near any infected blood."
"Well", replies the doctor, "your mother must have been a carrier."
one week later for the results. Sure enough, he returns, and the
doctor says "I've got some rather serious news for you"
"What is it?", asks the bag.
"Well, the thing is, you've got Hepatitis B."
"How can that be?", he asks,"I've never been near any infected blood."
"Well", replies the doctor, "your mother must have been a carrier."
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Nottingham Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
*********************
Rumour has it that Villa have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period
*********************
Rumour has it that Villa have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period
Apparently, Steve McClaren offered to send the Middlesborough squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
The Fire brigade phones Glenn Hoddle in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Hoddle sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Glenn.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
"Mr Hoddle sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Glenn.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
There was an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman. They decided to go to the pub to watch some football. The Englishman said to the others "I think Michael Owen is a great player. Who's your favourite player?" The Scotsman said "Och! That'll ave t'be Barry Ferguson". The Irishman added "Robbie Keane is my absoloute fave!" and the Welsman said "I think Beckham is the best". The others looked slightly shocked. "What about Welsh greats such as Giggs, Bellamy and Davies?" asked the Englishman. "Do Wales have a national team?" was the reply.
*****************
I asked my blonde girlfreind who she thought was going to win the World Cup. Manchester Utd was my answer.
*****************
An Englishman invited his welsh mate over for a game of Pro Evolution soccer. After choosing a freindly between Wales and England the match began. After a quick explanation of the buttons the Englishman soon took advantage of the Welshmans confusion and scored a goal. Later on the Welshman finnally got an opputunity on goal. Suddenly the game was paused by the Welshman. He asked "Which button do I press to score tries again?"
*****************
I asked my blonde girlfreind who she thought was going to win the World Cup. Manchester Utd was my answer.
*****************
An Englishman invited his welsh mate over for a game of Pro Evolution soccer. After choosing a freindly between Wales and England the match began. After a quick explanation of the buttons the Englishman soon took advantage of the Welshmans confusion and scored a goal. Later on the Welshman finnally got an opputunity on goal. Suddenly the game was paused by the Welshman. He asked "Which button do I press to score tries again?"
Things to do while waiting for AOL to connect
1.Your taxes
2.Complete your BA degree
3.Watch your hair grow
4.Finally clean your keyboard
5.Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times
6.Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl
7.Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad
8.Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it
9.Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault
10.Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value
11.Become mezmerized by your screen saver
12.Organize your desk
13.Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive
14.Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of toilet paper
15.Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance
16.Listen to the radio
17.Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited"
18.Clip your toenails
1.Your taxes
2.Complete your BA degree
3.Watch your hair grow
4.Finally clean your keyboard
5.Count the tiles on the ceiling 200 times
6.Think about commercials you saw during the Super Bowl
7.Scribble I HAVE NO LIFE on a notepad
8.Read War and Peace, and write a book report on it
9.Contemplate the meaning of a General Protection Fault
10.Watch your AOL stocks decrease in value
11.Become mezmerized by your screen saver
12.Organize your desk
13.Spend "Quality Time" with your hard drive
14.Plan secret mission involving AOL headquarters and several rolls of toilet paper
15.Try to remember the words to the pledge of allegiance
16.Listen to the radio
17.Contemplate the meaning of the word "unlimited"
18.Clip your toenails
A few blonde jokes :)
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.
Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.
Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
There was a computer geek. One day at computer college a stunning girl walked up to him. She whispered in his ear, "I'm going to give you the chance to sleep with the women of your dreams". The geek replied, "I'm not sure that is possible because she has a busy schedule. Anyway i though Mr Gates was a male?"
There was 3 computer freaks at work. A converstation broke out...
Freak 1- Do you prefer wives or mistresses?
Freak 2- I like mistresses because they dont mind when you have to work late shifts.
Freak 3- I like to follow the book so i prefer wives.
Freak 1- Dont you think it's better to have both? Then you can tell the wife you're with the mistress, the mistress that your with the wife, then you can spend all day on the computer and they wont know!
Freak 1- Do you prefer wives or mistresses?
Freak 2- I like mistresses because they dont mind when you have to work late shifts.
Freak 3- I like to follow the book so i prefer wives.
Freak 1- Dont you think it's better to have both? Then you can tell the wife you're with the mistress, the mistress that your with the wife, then you can spend all day on the computer and they wont know!
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