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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?""Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that..... get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,"What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina on the Mexican side of the border. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border. They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business.
By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.

Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.

John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up. Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed.

John came down again and sprang back up. This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds.

The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.

Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.

John replied, 'I'm not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?'


(For those of you not sure, a pinata is a Mexican party toy that hangs on a string and gets hit so sweets fall out)

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day, he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now. The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit made his wish. "I would like a helmet." This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female." A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle." This confused the two even more, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me. "A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, gestured toward the bear and said, "I wish this bear was gay."

why not to do drugs
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to inject himself... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little git makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Mickey mouse and minnie mouse are getting a divorce, and mickey is talking to the judge in the courtroom. the judge says to mickey, "you and minnie are such a famous couple, cant you work it out? all you said was that she is a little crazy--thats not such a big deal!" and mickey said, "I DIDNT SAY SHE WAS CRAZY, I SAID SHE WAS F**KING GOOFY!"

er-no wrote:
> Fate is dangerous.
>
> Fate can be very suprising.
>
> Fate can do strange strange things.
>
> Fate can lead you down many paths...
>
> ..I will stop now. :P Just a joke :)


Right. I Understand.




*Runs*

Fate is dangerous.

Fate can be very suprising.

Fate can do strange strange things.

Fate can lead you down many paths...

..I will stop now. :P Just a joke :)

Look What the Dog Did

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing and so eager to please that he decided to "work late" and to take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her he would be late and she replied, "No problem."

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the secretary's home, they did the wild thing for over two hours. When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic but he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and scratching at the door. He thought, "Aha! I got an idea." He entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, "Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!"

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said, "That's nothing. Look what he did to my t*ts!"

Picking Up Chicks

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.


The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.