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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Scientists are quite right about how animals are like humans I'll give you two examples,
Bulls call their wives cows
Dogs call their wives bit*hes
Bulls call their wives cows
Dogs call their wives bit*hes
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it hacks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button hole today."
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Esther Ranson beating up a child."
"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I have a map of Britain .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button hole today."
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Esther Ranson beating up a child."
"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I have a map of Britain .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add
3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks".
The secondblonde said, "I think they're dog tracks".
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks".
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks".
The secondblonde said, "I think they're dog tracks".
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks".
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
There were some cowboys sitting round a fire all telling stories and as the night went on, these stories grew wilder and wilder until it got to the point that no one believed them.
Well, this cowboy said that he knew an indian chief that never forgot a thing but everyone just smirked and waited for another story.
The cowboy replied,
"It's true! the devil take my soul if it isn't true"
In some strange coincidence the devil was listening and popped up from the ground and commanded the cowboy to take him to the chief in the morning.
They set off travelling and it took a good two weeks to get to the chiefs tent. The devil went in and said to the chief,
"do you like beans?"
The chief replied,
"yes"
Many years later when the cowboy had died the devil went in search for the chief so he could claim the cowboy's soul. The devil went in the tent and greeted in the old indian fashion,
"How"
The chief replied,
"on toast please"
Well, this cowboy said that he knew an indian chief that never forgot a thing but everyone just smirked and waited for another story.
The cowboy replied,
"It's true! the devil take my soul if it isn't true"
In some strange coincidence the devil was listening and popped up from the ground and commanded the cowboy to take him to the chief in the morning.
They set off travelling and it took a good two weeks to get to the chiefs tent. The devil went in and said to the chief,
"do you like beans?"
The chief replied,
"yes"
Many years later when the cowboy had died the devil went in search for the chief so he could claim the cowboy's soul. The devil went in the tent and greeted in the old indian fashion,
"How"
The chief replied,
"on toast please"
A true story of computer stupidity
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn*t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they*d take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man*s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn*t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they*d take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man*s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
I just started reading a book about anti-gravity. It is really interesting. I just cannot put it down.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with."
--------------------------------
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg?
A. Eileen.
--------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Oriental woman with one leg?
A. Irene.
--------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
--------------------------------
Once there were three blondes. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realised they had forgotten the drinks. The youngest blonde said she would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. An hour went by, then a few, finally it was midnight, when the two blondes said, "oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little blonde popped round from behind a bush and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
--------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher, interupting him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
--------------------------------
Blonde: Why are all those people running?
Brunette: They are running a race to get a cup.
Blonde: Who will get the cup?
Brunette: The person who wins.
Blonde: Then why are all the others running?
--------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
--------------------------------
John: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Mary: It's because your feet aren't empty.
--------------------------------
Man to God : Why did you make women so beautiful?
God to man : So that you will love them.
Man to God : But why did you make them so dumb?
God to man : So that they will love you.
--------------------------------
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
--------------------------------
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One of the boys said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.”
--------------------------------
A man took his blonde girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she immediately opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
-------------------------------
A blonde pushes her BMW into the garage and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.
--------------------------------
Three blondes, training to become detectives, are being interrogated by a policeman. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then conceals it.
"This is your suspect," he says. "Tell me how you would recognize him."
"That's easy," replies the first blonde. "We would catch him quickly because he only has one eye!"
"Ummmm…that's because the picture shows his PROFILE!" the policeman says.
Flustered by such a ridiculous response, he shows the picture to the second blonde for 5 seconds and tells her the same thing, "This is your suspect. Tell me how you would recognize him."
The second blonde lets out a little giggle, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be so easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
"What's the matter with the two of you?" the policman snaps angrily. "Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Very aggravated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice says, "This is your suspect. Tell me how you would recognize him."
Quickly, he adds, "….THINK hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third blonde looks at the picture very intently for a moment and says, "Hmm..the suspect wears contact lenses."
Not really knowing whether the suspect wears contacts or not, the policeman is surprised and speechless. "That's quite an interesting answer," he says. "Wait here while I go and check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and returns to his office where he checks the suspect's file and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it….it's TRUE. The suspect does, in fact, wear contacts. Excellent work! Tell me, how were you able to make such an astute observation?" he asks.
"Well, Duh!" the blonde replies. "He can't wear ordinary glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
------------------------------
A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.
"If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked.
Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"
Jeez! thats enough for now I guess.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
I just started reading a book about anti-gravity. It is really interesting. I just cannot put it down.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with."
--------------------------------
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg?
A. Eileen.
--------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Oriental woman with one leg?
A. Irene.
--------------------------------
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
--------------------------------
Once there were three blondes. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realised they had forgotten the drinks. The youngest blonde said she would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. An hour went by, then a few, finally it was midnight, when the two blondes said, "oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little blonde popped round from behind a bush and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
--------------------------------
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher, interupting him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
--------------------------------
Blonde: Why are all those people running?
Brunette: They are running a race to get a cup.
Blonde: Who will get the cup?
Brunette: The person who wins.
Blonde: Then why are all the others running?
--------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
--------------------------------
John: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
Mary: It's because your feet aren't empty.
--------------------------------
Man to God : Why did you make women so beautiful?
God to man : So that you will love them.
Man to God : But why did you make them so dumb?
God to man : So that they will love you.
--------------------------------
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
--------------------------------
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One of the boys said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?” The other boy replied, “Well you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.”
--------------------------------
A man took his blonde girlfriend to the movies. During the previews, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she immediately opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
-------------------------------
A blonde pushes her BMW into the garage and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.
--------------------------------
Three blondes, training to become detectives, are being interrogated by a policeman. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then conceals it.
"This is your suspect," he says. "Tell me how you would recognize him."
"That's easy," replies the first blonde. "We would catch him quickly because he only has one eye!"
"Ummmm…that's because the picture shows his PROFILE!" the policeman says.
Flustered by such a ridiculous response, he shows the picture to the second blonde for 5 seconds and tells her the same thing, "This is your suspect. Tell me how you would recognize him."
The second blonde lets out a little giggle, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be so easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
"What's the matter with the two of you?" the policman snaps angrily. "Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Very aggravated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice says, "This is your suspect. Tell me how you would recognize him."
Quickly, he adds, "….THINK hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third blonde looks at the picture very intently for a moment and says, "Hmm..the suspect wears contact lenses."
Not really knowing whether the suspect wears contacts or not, the policeman is surprised and speechless. "That's quite an interesting answer," he says. "Wait here while I go and check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and returns to his office where he checks the suspect's file and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it….it's TRUE. The suspect does, in fact, wear contacts. Excellent work! Tell me, how were you able to make such an astute observation?" he asks.
"Well, Duh!" the blonde replies. "He can't wear ordinary glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"
------------------------------
A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force.
"If you're driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?" he was asked.
Without hesitation, the young man replied, "Seventy!"
Jeez! thats enough for now I guess.
Rehab is for quitters
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Mum used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Mum used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
A panda walks into a restaraunt and asks for a coke and some chips and said he'll have them whilst they make panda food. The manager having no knowledge on pandas looks in an encyclopedia to find out what pandas eat.
Suddenly, the panda fineshes drinking his coke and eating his chips, stands up,pulls a gun out, shoots the waitress and then runs off.
After all the panic the manager finds the page with pandas on and finds that it says,
"Pandas eat shoots and leaves"
Suddenly, the panda fineshes drinking his coke and eating his chips, stands up,pulls a gun out, shoots the waitress and then runs off.
After all the panic the manager finds the page with pandas on and finds that it says,
"Pandas eat shoots and leaves"
If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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