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"The Great Fog Caper - How it all began"

Grix frisbeed the beermat at Sheepy's face. It hit him on the nose, bounced off, and skimmed across the table, floating on the mixture of drink that had been spilt throughout the night.

"Meka?" Grix asked.

"Yeah?" Came the reply. Meka looked up from his pint glass like he had done a million times before.

"Can you remember how we all met?" Grix mumbled in such a way that only people that had been with him for a while actually knew what he was saying.

"How can I forget..." Meka said, and sat up straight. "You signing us up to the navy... our fantastic escape and journey hitchhiking back to Pembroke, meeting so many people on the way and them all joining us... Ant, Fantasymeister, Sniper, Stryke, Sheepy... everyone... us nearly destroying and also managing to save the world... twice... Ant losing his virginity, Fantasymeister loosing the will to live, you started talking to your brain... and then meeting Tony. It had everything... excitement, adventure, true love, drama... I don't think I'll ever forget, you know."

"Can you tell me the story?" Grix said.

"Why? You were there."

"Yeah, but I was drunk." Grix replied. "Most of the time. Some of the time."

Meka put his face down on the table, and the beer soaked into his skin. "I've really got to go home, or at least ring my wife."

"Sod your wife, tell the story." Fantasymeister said, and picked up another beermat to throw at Sheepy.

"Well, ok." Meka said. "I was a young farmboy living on the outer rim planet of Tatooine... I desperately wanted to join the rebellion, but my uncle..."

"Wrong story, Meka." Sheepy mumbled.

"Oh yeah, sorry."

-----------------------

It all started about two years ago, in this very pub here in Pembroke... I had just moved down, and wanted to meet the locals.

Unfortunately, I met you, Grix.

It was my wife's idea. Just go down to the pub, mix around a little, make some friends...

-------------------------

"Do you know what the first ever religion was called?" Grix said.

Meka looked up from his pint glass for the first time in the evening... he felt he would be doing it an awful lot in the next few years...

"No." Meka replied.

"Ug."

Meka had met Grix about an hour earlier. It was Meka's fault. He shouldn't have said hello. He knew he looked a little strange.

"Ug?" Meka asked.

"Yeah. The Ugists believed that there was another Earth circuling around the sun, in complete equalibrium with our Earth, the same distance, the same speed."

"Oh, right."

"The Ugists believed that everything that happened on this Earth had an equal and opposite reaction on the other Earth. So if someone died this side, then someone would be born on the other side."

Grix poured blobs of beer onto the table to indicate the sun, and the two Earths on opposite sides.

"Hang on... wasn't it a good long time before people realised the sun rotated around the Earth?"

"Earth around the sun, Meka, and yes... but there's more." Grix said, downing more of his pint. "You shee, humans were not originally from this planet. We were dropped off from a spaceship millions of years ago."

Meka blinked.

"Well, there was a war on the planet we originally came from. We shared the planet with a bunch of creatures that believed that the only real purpose in life was to have sex. Lots and lots of sex."

Meka glared at the glass.

"Free sex pretty much annoyed mankind, however. If sex was free, nobody had power over anyone. So man decided to not take up this free sex thing, and dress up in clothes and generally be arsey about it."

"Grix, shut up."

"Womenkind had a better idea, and went to sleep with the 'Bonobs', as they were called. So mankind got even more annoyed and declared war."

Meka downed his drink and ordered another.

"But free sex meant large population, and man didn't stand a chance. The Bonobs got fed up, killed most of mankind... but since they were a kind species, they gathered up the dumb and pathetic remainders of humans, crammed them in a spaceship, and dumped them on a planet far, far away from the rest of civilisation. They found the only planet with an atmosphere in a whole solar system, which is rare to have just one... and left them there."

Meka downed the new pint.

"But mankind were in for a shock. There were already some half evolved humans on Earth, and another battle ensured. They killed off the half evolved humans... not because they were better fighters, but because they had guns. One man did die, however, of the evolved human race. But he was probably the stupiest of them all. He tried taking on the cavemen with a big stick. Needless to say, cavemen are better with big sticks."

Meka downed Grix's pint. He didn't noticed. He ordered two more.

"However, one sly bloke got the spaceship working again after about eighteen years, and set off with it... only to crash into the opposite Earth that rotated around this sun... interesting to him, he found a large proportion of unevolved humans, mostly female and sterile. And one very intelligent eighteen year old girl. Since he was horny, and she was lonely, they made love, became partners, and gave birth to a boy as they flew back to the other Earth. She died giving birth, leaving the stupid man to raise the child for two years, before he died too."

Meka downed the double vodka.

"But the laws of this world didn't apply to this boy... he was both part of each Earth, and by some strange reasoning, could not be killed at all. He'd die for only short periods, and then suddenly revive himself... and THAT'S who the Ugists worshipped. The boy, that stopped growing for some strange reason when he reached fifteen... this was their God, their proof that their twin Earth theory was true. And if it is, then he's still alive today. Trapped in puberty. Jeez. Bad luck... considering he's both the ying and the yang, I guess he's pretty emotionally unstable."

"Gwix, I had to lisen to thiss craap forrr I doon't noo how longy..."

"But..."

"No." Meka said. "Pwomisse me ssometingy."

"What?"

"Youu will never, MEVER, undar ANYEE circstance, mension tha sory agin." Meka said.

"...alright."

Meka downed the triple vodka.

"I wanna join da army. I wanna see da worrld." Meka said, and collapsed on the table.

-------------------------

Meka woke to a pounding headache, turned over in his bed, and looked out of the window. And saw fish.

Then Meka noticed he was in a bunkbed. In a strange metal room. And someone was in the bunk below. Snoring.

He looked over the side of the bed. It was Grix.

Another person was in the room too. Sitting on a chair and playing snake on a mobile phone. He looked about fifteen.

The boy looked up at Meka, narrowed his eyes, and said:

"This is gay."

Hey man, the guy's got a girlfriend. But maybe he'd be up for a bit of experimentation, I don't know...

and that this should be about 3 gads

i belive in grix being the best poster ever

pb looked around at the beach. It was a typical island with sand, sea and palm trees, but not much else.

"Well, we could always look for coconuts then flog them in the market back in Pembrokshire."

"I've seen the adverts, they'll have Bountys here, or Pina-Colada's at least." said Ant.

Everyone else stared at him until he gave up trying to make any sense. They all set off into the jungle to find food, shelter and (in the case of Ant) a Mars factory.

-----

Meanwhile...

Mystique sat on a throne while half naked ladies danced around the camp-fire.

"We have found our champion. He shall have all the food we can provide and plenty of snoo snoo."

Sniper looked slightly happier than usual (which still wasn't much).

"But first he must prove himself with 5 trials before he can be worthy." Mystique continued, "The first one is to find the kwa-kwa bird, whose legendary squak could bewitch the hearts and minds of men."

"That's gay." said Sniper.

The natives cheered at his war cry.

- ABOUT A WEEK LATER, BACK IN THE BAR-

"Urgh, my head..." Sheepy said, reaching up to massage his head, and accidently massaged Grix's bum instead.

"Ooh, that's nice."

"AGH!" Sheepy pushed himself over, Grix fell off his head, and Sheepy's headache vanished. "Grix, why the hell were you sitting on my head?"

"I was going to fart in your ear."

Meka rose like vampire, and pulled himself onto the table. "What happenned?"

Fantasymeister emerged from the toilet, smoking a pipe. "Elementary, my dear Meka. We drunk lots and fell asleep."

The camera zoomed in on FM's face.

"For a week."

"Wow. We slept for a week?"

"Barbara, hand me the foreceps, I think we've got a good one."

"Morning Rasta!"

"Weren't we telling a story?" Sheepy asked.

"Yeah..." Meka replied. "I can't remember where we ended... something to do with Pb's lair, wasn't it?"

"Oh, but that bits boring. Can we move on?" Grix said.

"Well, erm...."

-------------------------

Well, Pb was going to try and make everyone love USA because George Bush had promised him that he'd get Tim Burton to do another Batman film. Pb snapped out of it when Sniper explained to Pb, in full detail, why it was best that Tim Burton didn't make any more Batman films, and why we could always look back on the two he did and watch them for what they were. After all, there'll always be more directors that want to follow in Tim's footsteps, so they'll always be something new.

So Pb packed up and left his talking mansion, who yelled that it'd kill the lot of us if Pb didn't come back, as he locked the door.

"Ooh, cryptic sequel goodness." Grix commented.

Pb had two planes, so they took them both, and went to fly back to Pembrokeshire.

-----------------------

"Grix, you can't fly a plane." Sheepy said.

"Nonsense! I'm quite capable of anything."

The group had split at this point. Grix, Ant, Sniper, Sheepy, Pb, Meka, FM and Venombyte had got in the plane with Grix, while, erm, everyone else went on a plane, with directions from Meka, of how to get to the Golden Land of Pembrokeshire. We told them to wait for us. It was a good job too really, there are far too many characters.

----------------------

"I told you you couldn't fly a plane." Sheepy said.

"Shut up."

Grix, Ant, Sheepy, Pb, Meka, FM and Venombyte surveyed the island they had landed on, in the flight over the atlantic, back to Britain...

So they decided to split up. Grix, Sheepy, Pb and Fantasymeister all went in one direction to find food, while Ant, Meka and Venombyte went to find food, and possibly Sniper.

Sniper, who had bailed out of the plane at the last minute and smashed his face into a tree, was very much on a different side of the island. He rubbed his face, and looked up to the person standing over him.

A woman, wearing a leafy set of underwear, and little else, poked her spear at Sniper, still rubbing the back of his head.

"Gay." Sniper said.

"Gay?" The woman said.

"Gay." Sniper said.

The woman cheered in delight, picked Sniper up, carried him over her shoulder, and carried him away...

----------------

Sniper woke up to find himself sitting on a throne, surrounded by masses of half naked dancing women, all dressed in leaves.

They all danced around, and formed a passageway, which another woman, obviously the leader [she had a leaf crown] walked up towards Sniper.

"Hello there..." The girl said. "We've been waiting for one of your type to come for a long time." She threw back her hair. "My name is Mystique, I'm the leader here... welcome to the Island of the Lesbians."

pb entered the Chamber Room, Sniper following just behind. "Where are we now, gayboy?"

"We're in my chamber room."

"And what are these?" Sniper asked, pointing to the 10 coffin-shaped boxes the circled the room.

"They are the chambers." pb replied.

"How gay. What are they for? People?"

"Yes. People."

"I see...what people?"

"Normal people."

"Male or female?"

"Male, probably. Possibly both."

"Females too?"

"No, transsexuals."

"Right. Who are these people?"

"Friends."

"Your friends?"

"No, your friends."

"My friends?"

"Your friends."

"...right. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why my friends?"

"Why your friends what?"

"Why are you putting my friends in the coffins?"

"Chambers."

"Why aren't they coffins?"

"They have locks."

"So do coffins."

"These are hi-tech locks."

"Right. So, I ask you again, why are you putting my friends in those...chambers?"

"To capture them."

"How are you going to get them all in there?"

"Well, we put them in and then my Evil HQ locks them. Y'see, he is the lock. He locks them."

"The coffins?"

"Yes, he locks the coff...chambers."

"Why are you capturing them in the coffins, gayboy?"

"So they don't interfere in my plans."

"Plans?"

"Big plans."

"Right. Won't it be quite hard to get them in the chambers?"

"Yes."

"So it's not a very good plan then."

"No."

"Gay."

"Yes.

"How's it going?" pb asked eagerly.

"Very well, they definitely believe I'm insane."

"Well, you are Rasta..."

"I know, but it doesn't mean I can't be normal when I want...like now. And once all this is over with, I can go back to being my mad self."

"Yeah, anyway, are they coming in or what?" pb enquired.

Rasta took a careful peek round the corner, and sighed. "No, they're still fagging about...why are you so desperate for them to go in?"

pb thought about his answer, maybe unsure himself. He sighed, and finally said, "I think I need to trap them somewhere, they've been more trouble than I'd thought."

"But they're a bunch of hopeless goits," Rasta said bluntly.

"I know, and that's what peeves me off. Anyway, get them inside, now."

"You got it," Rasta replied, before turning the Walkie-Talkie off and making his way back to the group.

__________________________________________

"I suck balls," Goatboy said thoughtfully.

"Indeed...anyway, are we going in then?"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!" Rasta screamed, sprinting back towards the group.

"Told ya," Grix said pointedly, before adding, "although, I do agree with him. We need to get Sniper out of there, and we need to do it...........................now."

Grix began to walk toward the Evil HQ with a purpose, and then upped his pace to a run to try and get everyone else going.

"C'MON!! LETS GO!" He cried enthusiastically.

He sprinted up to the entrance, and then tripped on a step and went sprawling across the pavement.

Ant sniggered, Meka smiled and Rasta danced.

"C'mon," Meka said cooly, "lets go in."

"Tell your gay HQ to shut up," Sniper said bluntly.

pb didn't bother to reply, and instead gagged him with a piece of cellotape so he could not longer speak.

That was until Sniper pulled the tape off with his hands, "gay, that hurt."

pb sighed at his lack of organisation, but then remembered that he had bound Sniper when they were in the car.

"How did you untie the ropes?" He whispered.

Sniper shrugged.

"You really are special...c'mon."

pb quickly tied more rope around Sniper's hands, before continuing on his way to the centre of the Evil HQ where he could begin to implement his plans.

"Who are you blowing up again?" Sniper asked.

"Again? Well, we haven't blown anyone up yet."

"No, I mean-"

"Oh, I see. Great Britain, I believe...that reminds me." pb looked at his watch, and then nodded. He brought out some sort of walkie-talkie from his pocket, switched it on and began to talk."

"Rasta...Rasta, are you there?"

____________________________________________

Our heroes were still deciding how to enter the Evil HQ, when Rasta went mad again.

"DFS!! DFS!! D! F! S!" He screamed as he ran around wildly. In fact, he ran all the way back to the road, before turning left and out of the group's sight.

Grix sighed, "just leave him, he'll be back."

Meanwhile...

Rasta stopped just outside the walkway to the Evil HQ, so that no one could see him, and checked his watch.

"Spot on..." he whispered to himself, before revealing his own Walkie-Talkie. He switched it on and listened.

"...sta, are you there?"

"I am, Master." He replied.

Grix waved at Venombyte, who had just entered the pub.

"Hey, sit down. We're already some way through the story." he explained.

"So, what's happened so far?" asked VB.

"Sheepy, ER-NO, FM, Stryke and Insane Bartender are all in a creepy old mansion. They were looking for a headless horseman, but found that it was you instead. It was found that a village idiot had told them about the headless horsman, but they don’t know the real reason they were lured away from the others.”

Grix took a swig of his drink and continued. “The other group have been following pb, who at the moment in the story is evil and has an evil base that talks and seems to be self aware. They are outside and are currently starting to feel the effects of the base on them, making them all become evil or good or somewhere in between. Sniper is being held captive by pb, believed to be because his power of not being able to be killed can be harnessed by pb for his ultimate plan of getting everyone to fall in love with America, which is something to do with George Bush (as far as I can work it out). OK?”

Venombyte scratched his head. “Er, yeah. Sorry I asked!”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“So.” Said Meka, still speaking like Sean Connery, “We should enter the evil HQ via long ropes, followed by ninjas and then prevent pb from blowing up the world with a giant rocket?”

“Um.” Said Ant. “You fools will never destroy pb that way. He’s unstoppable…hahahahah heh heh ahem. I seem to be feeling a bit strange.”

Meka looked at Ant. “So. You expect me to walk, Mr Ant?”

“No, Mr Meka, I expect you to die!”

Grix looked at the others. “Look, we’re not in a Bond movie, snap out of it! And Goatboy, stop smacking your fist on your palm, come on, we’re going in before this gets too bad, or the story gets too boring….”

“Gee, Grix, what a swell idea.” Goatboy said as he tried very hard not to put both hands on his hips.

Sheepy ducked as a spinning knife spun past him.

The looked to see a very angry Insane Bartender who'd just woken up from being punched out by PB...