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There was a cat and a c**krel. They walk onto a bridge and the cat falls in. The c**krel bursts out laughing. Whats the morale of this story?
Answer: Wherever there is a wet pu*sy there is always a happy c**k!!!!!!!!
Answer: Wherever there is a wet pu*sy there is always a happy c**k!!!!!!!!
Page:
Heres another
Top 10
DUMBEST CRIMINALS
RUNNER-UP #9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Top 10
DUMBEST CRIMINALS
RUNNER-UP #9
Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.
RUNNER-UP #8
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
RUNNER-UP #7
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
RUNNER-UP #6
San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
RUNNER-UP #5
From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.
RUNNER-UP #4
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
RUNNER-UP #3
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.
RUNNER-UP #2
Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
RUNNER-UP #1
Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
THE WINNER!
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Here's mine:
Three men one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his a*se. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
___________________________
A bin man is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it, so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers. 'Harro'
'Alright mate, where's your bin?' asks the bin man
'I bin on the toilet' replies the Japanese man.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman says 'No mate, where's ya wheely bin?'
'OK, I wheely bin having a w**k'
Classics!
Three men one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his a*se. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"
"I'm getting a fax," he explains.
___________________________
A bin man is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustbin lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it, so he knocks on the door.
There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers. 'Harro'
'Alright mate, where's your bin?' asks the bin man
'I bin on the toilet' replies the Japanese man.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman says 'No mate, where's ya wheely bin?'
'OK, I wheely bin having a w**k'
Classics!
Heres my joke
My dog called sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
My dog called sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front..
3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
5. Only in America...do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. Only in America...do they use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
ambulance.
2. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front..
3. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
5. Only in America...do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. Only in America...do they use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
This is pretty funny. Here goes
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and
a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing,
for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under
the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would
inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and
a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing,
for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under
the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would
inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'
Health Hazard wrote:
> why did you have to quote the whole of that post??
>
> and what i said is true, you are just upset because you found it funny
> and didn't realise the mistake.
Lol, you are the one makin the mistake n00b (and don call me a n00b either, I just ain't visited here in ages and I can't remember my passwrd)
Anyway, you're makin a mistake coz the moral of the joke is dont cross the road when the RED man flashes. Tru, it dont flash but you're sayin the joke has to be told with the GREEN man. YOU ARE MEANT TO CROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE GREEN FLASHES IDIOT. So therefore the joke wouldn't make sense if it was told with the green man. So 'ear this. Blue-Fuzzy-Tiger was right in the first place so shuddup.
> why did you have to quote the whole of that post??
>
> and what i said is true, you are just upset because you found it funny
> and didn't realise the mistake.
Lol, you are the one makin the mistake n00b (and don call me a n00b either, I just ain't visited here in ages and I can't remember my passwrd)
Anyway, you're makin a mistake coz the moral of the joke is dont cross the road when the RED man flashes. Tru, it dont flash but you're sayin the joke has to be told with the GREEN man. YOU ARE MEANT TO CROSS THE ROAD WHEN THE GREEN FLASHES IDIOT. So therefore the joke wouldn't make sense if it was told with the green man. So 'ear this. Blue-Fuzzy-Tiger was right in the first place so shuddup.
there are two blokes walking in the forest and one drops dead. the other quickly runs to the nearest phone and calls the hospital.they say to make sure hes dead. the man runs away, and a shot is heard. the guy comes back to the phone.""OK what now?"
this has been prove to be the funniest non offensive or rude joke according to a collegde in herefordshire.
this has been prove to be the funniest non offensive or rude joke according to a collegde in herefordshire.
Health Hazard wrote:
> Blue-Fuzzy-Tiger wrote:
> There was a man who was obsessed with the colour red.
> The red man was having a wash in his red bath with his red rubber
> duckie.
> There is a knock on the door. The red man gets his red towel goes
> down
> his red stairs and answers his red door.
> It is the postwoman. The red man is amazed by the postwoman's beauty
> that he drops his red towel, leaving himself in his red naked glory.
> The postwoman screamed, ran across the road and killed herself
>
> Moral: Never cross the road when the red man flashes.
>
> For you suckers who don't understand it, the I'm comparing the red
> man
> to the red man on the traffic lights that tell you when to not walk.
> When I told this joke to my friend, he didn't understand it. Maybe
> he's stupid??? That's probably why he's my friend.
>
> he isn't stupid, it is because the GREEN man flashes and the joke is
> meant to be told with a GREEN man. your friend isn't the stupid one it
> is you!! ha ha
Oh be quiet you ignorant n00b
> Blue-Fuzzy-Tiger wrote:
> There was a man who was obsessed with the colour red.
> The red man was having a wash in his red bath with his red rubber
> duckie.
> There is a knock on the door. The red man gets his red towel goes
> down
> his red stairs and answers his red door.
> It is the postwoman. The red man is amazed by the postwoman's beauty
> that he drops his red towel, leaving himself in his red naked glory.
> The postwoman screamed, ran across the road and killed herself
>
> Moral: Never cross the road when the red man flashes.
>
> For you suckers who don't understand it, the I'm comparing the red
> man
> to the red man on the traffic lights that tell you when to not walk.
> When I told this joke to my friend, he didn't understand it. Maybe
> he's stupid??? That's probably why he's my friend.
>
> he isn't stupid, it is because the GREEN man flashes and the joke is
> meant to be told with a GREEN man. your friend isn't the stupid one it
> is you!! ha ha
Oh be quiet you ignorant n00b
Blue-Fuzzy-Tiger wrote:
> There was a man who was obsessed with the colour red.
> The red man was having a wash in his red bath with his red rubber
> duckie.
> There is a knock on the door. The red man gets his red towel goes down
> his red stairs and answers his red door.
> It is the postwoman. The red man is amazed by the postwoman's beauty
> that he drops his red towel, leaving himself in his red naked glory.
> The postwoman screamed, ran across the road and killed herself
>
> Moral: Never cross the road when the red man flashes.
>
> For you suckers who don't understand it, the I'm comparing the red man
> to the red man on the traffic lights that tell you when to not walk.
> When I told this joke to my friend, he didn't understand it. Maybe
> he's stupid??? That's probably why he's my friend.
he isn't stupid, it is because the GREEN man flashes and the joke is meant to be told with a GREEN man. your friend isn't the stupid one it is you!! ha ha
> There was a man who was obsessed with the colour red.
> The red man was having a wash in his red bath with his red rubber
> duckie.
> There is a knock on the door. The red man gets his red towel goes down
> his red stairs and answers his red door.
> It is the postwoman. The red man is amazed by the postwoman's beauty
> that he drops his red towel, leaving himself in his red naked glory.
> The postwoman screamed, ran across the road and killed herself
>
> Moral: Never cross the road when the red man flashes.
>
> For you suckers who don't understand it, the I'm comparing the red man
> to the red man on the traffic lights that tell you when to not walk.
> When I told this joke to my friend, he didn't understand it. Maybe
> he's stupid??? That's probably why he's my friend.
he isn't stupid, it is because the GREEN man flashes and the joke is meant to be told with a GREEN man. your friend isn't the stupid one it is you!! ha ha
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