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This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
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Excellent as usual Gaz, thank you I enjoyed that.
February 5
Alcohol Units: Smirnoff have an assured future.
I need a love life desperately. First I need a life, as this is an equal partner with love in the word love life. I hear strange noises coming from Rasta's bedroom as I get up. I shrug and walk in. Then I walk out again. Fast. The midget bloke is sitting in his Y-Fronts bouncing up and down staring at his X-Box. I feel a pang of sympathy for the solitary Gamecube at the sitting room T.V. Then I kick it a bit....A lot, actually.
Iguana is beginning to look at me strangely. Must be the hair. I need a haircut. With proper scissors and stuff, not kitchen scissors and Rasta.
Sigh, I really need a girlfriend! At this rate I'll end up a monk. Maybe then I'll attract a homely nun, perhaps one with a huge sexual appetite. NO, lose nun fantasies now. Go down pub instead. Excellent.
February 6
Alcohol Units: My liver has gone on strike.
I've decided that my mum needs help. she rang me up today.
"Trevor darling." she began. I corrected her and informed her my name was AliBoy.
"Damn stupid name, Trevor. Anyway, how's that lovely wife of yours?"
I kindly informed her that my name was AliBoy and that I didn't have a wife.
"Well, you should. I know this lovely girl. Name's Alice."
Alice was her best friend. She was 65.
"She's a little too old for me, mother."
"Don't be stupid."
I sighed and put the phone down. Rasta then stamped on my head in his rush to use the phone. Apparently he was phoning the Samaritans. He'd cut the lead on his X-Box, and this was tantamount to murder in his mind. I patted his on the shoulder and led him to Wave Race. He'd forgotten it in minutes. Seem pleased. I got him trashed anyway, and thewn we went down the pub.
Ant and Grix were there. Excellent. Up for a session, obviously. At some point I might have kissed Grix. Never mind, there was vodka and stuff. Rest of the night was a blur. Some random bloke called Ed punched me at one point. Or I could have punched Grix. Superb night. Got dumped at our apartment at 3am by Grix and Ant, who got out for no reason and went to sleep on Rasta. I would have been astonished at this implication, but I was out of my head and so went to sleep on Grix.
February 7
Bah. Woke up on Grix. Goway...head hurts. Rasta phoned up some cop and asked him to bring the TV and Gamecube down to the porch so he could play without moving. The cop chucked him back into our room. Rasta seemed delighted. I crawled over to the Gamecube to play 2-player, but Rasta was far too defensive and sat on my head. This was getting very suspect. I decided I needed some macho company. I couldsn't find any, so I went round Grix's.
To Do: a) Buy a new liver.
b) Contact a priest about Rasta and Gamecube.
c) Stop thinking about Iguana. I hate her.
d) More alcohol. The Stella's all gone, and I don't think the Stella Fairy will replace it...whatever Rasta says.
e) Take Rasta for walk. With lead.
Alcohol Units: Smirnoff have an assured future.
I need a love life desperately. First I need a life, as this is an equal partner with love in the word love life. I hear strange noises coming from Rasta's bedroom as I get up. I shrug and walk in. Then I walk out again. Fast. The midget bloke is sitting in his Y-Fronts bouncing up and down staring at his X-Box. I feel a pang of sympathy for the solitary Gamecube at the sitting room T.V. Then I kick it a bit....A lot, actually.
Iguana is beginning to look at me strangely. Must be the hair. I need a haircut. With proper scissors and stuff, not kitchen scissors and Rasta.
Sigh, I really need a girlfriend! At this rate I'll end up a monk. Maybe then I'll attract a homely nun, perhaps one with a huge sexual appetite. NO, lose nun fantasies now. Go down pub instead. Excellent.
February 6
Alcohol Units: My liver has gone on strike.
I've decided that my mum needs help. she rang me up today.
"Trevor darling." she began. I corrected her and informed her my name was AliBoy.
"Damn stupid name, Trevor. Anyway, how's that lovely wife of yours?"
I kindly informed her that my name was AliBoy and that I didn't have a wife.
"Well, you should. I know this lovely girl. Name's Alice."
Alice was her best friend. She was 65.
"She's a little too old for me, mother."
"Don't be stupid."
I sighed and put the phone down. Rasta then stamped on my head in his rush to use the phone. Apparently he was phoning the Samaritans. He'd cut the lead on his X-Box, and this was tantamount to murder in his mind. I patted his on the shoulder and led him to Wave Race. He'd forgotten it in minutes. Seem pleased. I got him trashed anyway, and thewn we went down the pub.
Ant and Grix were there. Excellent. Up for a session, obviously. At some point I might have kissed Grix. Never mind, there was vodka and stuff. Rest of the night was a blur. Some random bloke called Ed punched me at one point. Or I could have punched Grix. Superb night. Got dumped at our apartment at 3am by Grix and Ant, who got out for no reason and went to sleep on Rasta. I would have been astonished at this implication, but I was out of my head and so went to sleep on Grix.
February 7
Bah. Woke up on Grix. Goway...head hurts. Rasta phoned up some cop and asked him to bring the TV and Gamecube down to the porch so he could play without moving. The cop chucked him back into our room. Rasta seemed delighted. I crawled over to the Gamecube to play 2-player, but Rasta was far too defensive and sat on my head. This was getting very suspect. I decided I needed some macho company. I couldsn't find any, so I went round Grix's.
To Do: a) Buy a new liver.
b) Contact a priest about Rasta and Gamecube.
c) Stop thinking about Iguana. I hate her.
d) More alcohol. The Stella's all gone, and I don't think the Stella Fairy will replace it...whatever Rasta says.
e) Take Rasta for walk. With lead.
Hmm. Maybe later, now Team B story has collapsed. Actually, I'll get right on it...maybe. :-D
well I could't be bothered to read it buy anyway well done....
*no.2 forgets his name*
...mate
*no.2 forgets his name*
...mate
GAZ! Please do more of this as It was great and I want more. Be Smug and get writing. Go on you know you want too. :)
You won't get it. So go hmmmmm... somewhere else.
Hmmmm...
Heheheh :-D
Keep it up!
Keep it up!
February 3
God, this morning went badly. I let the postman in with a parcel, who then saw Rasta half naked on the floor, stoned with an arm around his Gamecube. He asked me what that was. I considered three answers:
a) My mother
b) Novelty gnome
c) Inflatable...something?
I went with answer b, but the postmans didn't believe me. Probably because of Rasta's hair. It's sort of everywhere, you see. I'm considering making friends with Rasta's hair, as it seems more interesting than him. Anyway, I open the parcel to find... An X-Box?! This collapses my whole system down. I have to wake Rasta and ask him why he's replacing his Gamecube.
"Well, I hear the X-Box is AWESOME in the bedroom."
"Sorry?"
"You know, where my T.V is."
Ah, shock rapidly receeding. So the X-Box is his bit on the side, while the Gamecube remains his major consolefriend.
What am I talking about? A fully grown, well, 5 foot, human is having a major relationship with a cube of plastic. I sigh, and realise my major relationship is with the barman at the local. Maybe he wants to go on a date?
February 4
Iguana smiled at me when I came into work today. It must be my new aftershave. Perhaps I am a stud after all, and my potent sexual allure has returned after a holiday in Antland. Ant arrives, to see Mystiue's...office, I presume. He comes over to me, and sneers. An actual sneer. I've had enough of this.
SPEAR!
I spear Ant through Mystique's office door. The sound of smashing glass wakes me up from a night of malforming cushion fun. Ant punches me back, and it's a fight. An actual fight. Damn! I'm hard as rocks, me, obviously. So I hit Ant back, and send him over a desk. Then we spend a couple of minutes trying to kick each other, but it looks like an effeminate dance to any watching. I always said Ant was gay, so I say it again. Then Grix walks in. I have no idea why, maybe Stryke was getting bored writing this and his breakfast sounds ready. But Grix runs up to us and does the mature thing of seperating us. So we do the mature thing i.e. Both punch Grix. Then we get on with the fight.
Now me and Ant are friends again. Admittedly, I broke his nose and my ear may never be the same again, but it was worth it. Grix got knocked out, for one thing. We both had a laugh about this, as did Rasta, once he arrive at the pub late. I think I might actually replace him with a novelty gnome.
To Do: Buy Ant inflatable Mystique
Wake Grix up. But kick him a bit first
See if any labs need a minute Rasta bloke.
Not To Do: Ever drink Archers again. Makes me look *more* like a girl.
God, this morning went badly. I let the postman in with a parcel, who then saw Rasta half naked on the floor, stoned with an arm around his Gamecube. He asked me what that was. I considered three answers:
a) My mother
b) Novelty gnome
c) Inflatable...something?
I went with answer b, but the postmans didn't believe me. Probably because of Rasta's hair. It's sort of everywhere, you see. I'm considering making friends with Rasta's hair, as it seems more interesting than him. Anyway, I open the parcel to find... An X-Box?! This collapses my whole system down. I have to wake Rasta and ask him why he's replacing his Gamecube.
"Well, I hear the X-Box is AWESOME in the bedroom."
"Sorry?"
"You know, where my T.V is."
Ah, shock rapidly receeding. So the X-Box is his bit on the side, while the Gamecube remains his major consolefriend.
What am I talking about? A fully grown, well, 5 foot, human is having a major relationship with a cube of plastic. I sigh, and realise my major relationship is with the barman at the local. Maybe he wants to go on a date?
February 4
Iguana smiled at me when I came into work today. It must be my new aftershave. Perhaps I am a stud after all, and my potent sexual allure has returned after a holiday in Antland. Ant arrives, to see Mystiue's...office, I presume. He comes over to me, and sneers. An actual sneer. I've had enough of this.
SPEAR!
I spear Ant through Mystique's office door. The sound of smashing glass wakes me up from a night of malforming cushion fun. Ant punches me back, and it's a fight. An actual fight. Damn! I'm hard as rocks, me, obviously. So I hit Ant back, and send him over a desk. Then we spend a couple of minutes trying to kick each other, but it looks like an effeminate dance to any watching. I always said Ant was gay, so I say it again. Then Grix walks in. I have no idea why, maybe Stryke was getting bored writing this and his breakfast sounds ready. But Grix runs up to us and does the mature thing of seperating us. So we do the mature thing i.e. Both punch Grix. Then we get on with the fight.
Now me and Ant are friends again. Admittedly, I broke his nose and my ear may never be the same again, but it was worth it. Grix got knocked out, for one thing. We both had a laugh about this, as did Rasta, once he arrive at the pub late. I think I might actually replace him with a novelty gnome.
To Do: Buy Ant inflatable Mystique
Wake Grix up. But kick him a bit first
See if any labs need a minute Rasta bloke.
Not To Do: Ever drink Archers again. Makes me look *more* like a girl.
LOL! Making me actually laugh again :-D
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