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"Ali Boy's Diary"

This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)

ALI BOY'S DIARY

Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)

January 1

V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.

Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.

January 2

Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)

Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…

Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.

“ Errr…fine.”

” What is it you do Alan?”

“ I am a journalist mum.”

“ Glad to hear it!”

Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.

Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.

January 3

Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)

Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.

Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.

“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.

Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.

January 4

Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)

Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.

Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?

January 5

Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)

I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.

January 6

Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)

Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.

Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.

Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.

Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.

February 1

Alcohol Units: 1 + lots.

God, everything in my life sucked last month. Including BigBreast. Must try to perfect status as stud, sex god and film critic this month.

Resolutions: Become sexually potent. Poss Viagra/Haggis?

Go into work very depressed. Was not helped by Ant drooped over Mystique's desk, looking twee. At least there's no doors in my office, only desks. Desks? Oh ship...

Damn Ant to Grimsby. Go to pub to meet Rasta and Grix, as per normal. Grix suggests ice. Rasta suggests strip club. I go for ice, in strip club. I love the strip club. Meet Ant in there, again. God, does that man have no life? Why is he in MY strip club? Anyway, there is beer and naked ladies. As long as that keeps up, I'm fine. That being the beer and ladies, not...

February 2

Meh, Mystique is grinning at me in a sadistic way. Well, at least I think she's grinning. I'm completely out of my head, you see. Seems Ant has told her about the strip club incident. I've had enough of that smarmy git. Go back to my flat to find Rasta gluing spikes to his black leather Gamecube. I wonder whats going to happen when he discovers the GBA? I ask him this.

"Whats the GBA?"

"It's a much smaller Gamecube."

"AliBoy! Size matters! it does to her, anyway."

I sigh and move off, before he starts ranting about the Cuba Sutra again. There's a wierd technique in there, because Rasta has added a can of WD40 and two fresh lemons to the shopping list.

I'm stuck in an apartment with the cushion, that is still misformed. What did I do to it? Oh, and there's a five foot rasta bloke making love to a Gamecube outside my door.

Stryke wrote:
> Yeah, I'll try, but when Team B's FoG Story starts, I'll have to give that
> priority. And "Rasta Skank and the Last Dreamcast" looks like it's
> also on the backburner. Sigh..so many stories..

Yep, because Team B rule, as will the story.

Of course, Aliboy's diary rules too.

Yeah, I'll try, but when Team B's FoG Story starts, I'll have to give that priority. And "Rasta Skank and the Last Dreamcast" looks like it's also on the backburner. Sigh..so many stories..

I also look forward to the next part. And the parts to follow. Keep it up.

It is! I'm looking forward to the next part, Stryke.

Cheers pb, that's a compliment. I think..

Keep this one going too. Please. It brightens my day.

I shall do my utmost. But it'll take a back-seat as soon as our, vastly superior, FoG story starts. ;-)

Ha, yup, excellent.

I wonder if you can keep going for the whole year... :0)

LOL!!!!!

One of the best ones yet!!