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This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
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February 16
Heh. Excellent drinking session last night, which now involved pb. We got ratarsed, and then decided to walk through London. We, of course, dressed Mr.Happy as a fairy first. Some other guys did us the favour of lobbing him in the canal.
So now I wake up and I'm all alone. Strange, my new status as sex god should have meant I pulled. Damn. I wander out to find Rasta rubbing furiously at the Gamecube. He seems to have stained it. Can't imagine how. Oh...
He's dressed it in a little tux.
"What?" I gape.
"It's Big Boy's funeral!" sobbed Rasta.
A priest knocks on the door. I show him in. He asks where Mr Boy is. I inform him it's a console.
After I've been exorcised by the kindly chap, I hit Rasta. Twice. And inform he is on Cleaning-Urine-Out-Of-Sink Duty.
February 17
Today I'm feeling jaunty, according to my Word of the Day toilet paper. Rasta is a midget, as usual.
I feel like having an exciting and new adventure with Barmanman pb. Instead I help him clear out the drunks from the night before. We carry them along the street and dump them in a garden.
"Who's garden is it?" I ask. He shrugs.
One of the drunks turns out to be Ant.
"Did I deck you?" he moans.
"Errrm...ouch...Yes you did. I'm sorry."
"S'right! Don't do it again. God is everywhere!"
"Of course he is."
I go back to the apartment to see Rasta singing a sonnet to the Gamecube. Looks besotted. Leave it at that. I go and have an Archers where no-one can see, and then watch Rasta carry the Gamecube into the bedroom.
"Won't you have to be careful of those spikes?" It was a joke.
"It's alright, I've got protection." he answers.
I decide not to comment at all. Instead I go round to Mystique's. There's a LOT of leather in there. And a bed. looks comfortable.
Heh. Excellent drinking session last night, which now involved pb. We got ratarsed, and then decided to walk through London. We, of course, dressed Mr.Happy as a fairy first. Some other guys did us the favour of lobbing him in the canal.
So now I wake up and I'm all alone. Strange, my new status as sex god should have meant I pulled. Damn. I wander out to find Rasta rubbing furiously at the Gamecube. He seems to have stained it. Can't imagine how. Oh...
He's dressed it in a little tux.
"What?" I gape.
"It's Big Boy's funeral!" sobbed Rasta.
A priest knocks on the door. I show him in. He asks where Mr Boy is. I inform him it's a console.
After I've been exorcised by the kindly chap, I hit Rasta. Twice. And inform he is on Cleaning-Urine-Out-Of-Sink Duty.
February 17
Today I'm feeling jaunty, according to my Word of the Day toilet paper. Rasta is a midget, as usual.
I feel like having an exciting and new adventure with Barmanman pb. Instead I help him clear out the drunks from the night before. We carry them along the street and dump them in a garden.
"Who's garden is it?" I ask. He shrugs.
One of the drunks turns out to be Ant.
"Did I deck you?" he moans.
"Errrm...ouch...Yes you did. I'm sorry."
"S'right! Don't do it again. God is everywhere!"
"Of course he is."
I go back to the apartment to see Rasta singing a sonnet to the Gamecube. Looks besotted. Leave it at that. I go and have an Archers where no-one can see, and then watch Rasta carry the Gamecube into the bedroom.
"Won't you have to be careful of those spikes?" It was a joke.
"It's alright, I've got protection." he answers.
I decide not to comment at all. Instead I go round to Mystique's. There's a LOT of leather in there. And a bed. looks comfortable.
Harder for stuff to show up on white, eh, Gaz?
SPOILER:-~~~~~
I marry my GameCube :-D
SPOILER:-~~~~~
I marry my GameCube :-D
That barman chap seems pretty cool.
hm, perhaps i'll regret being in the story...
...naaaahh!
hm, perhaps i'll regret being in the story...
...naaaahh!
Hehehh, very good. Ahhh... SNES...
Jesus Christ, I just archived January and it's MASSIVE! If I ever finish the entire year it's going to be the biggest story ever on here, surely.
Rasta's SNES :-D I wonder if his GameCube is jelous :-D
Great stuff, as always, Stryke.
Great stuff, as always, Stryke.
February 13
Alcohol Units: 57 of your best!
Wake up in bed with Mystique. Before I do anything else, I write myself a note.
Note: You are sex god. Create temple and find subjects. Oh, buy more condoms.
Before I do anything else AT ALL, I have sex with Mystique again. It's the right thing to do, after all.
Later, we are lying in bed when Rasta walks in wearing his pants, hugging the Gamecube.
"Funerals set for tomorrow lads. It's going to be...emotional. Seen my dungarees?" he sobs.
He fails to notice that there's a very naked woman on the bed. I'm naked too, but I'm always naked. He wanders out. I decide to take advantage of the naked woman smiling at me.
Much later, once I've showered and smiled inanely at myself in the mirror, I walk into the living room. Rasta is lying on his back, wearing his dungarees and re-sticking the spikes onto the Gamecube.
"What funeral?" I ask.
"Big Boys."
"Who?"
"My old Gamecube!" he cried, outraged. Then he ran out into the street. I was tempted to tell him he was only wearing his pants, but then I shrugged and called the lads for a meeting at the pub later.
I've decided tonight is the night I'm going to get to know the barman....
So his names pb. Excellent. Bit of a strange name, I thought, then I realised what my friends names are.
Get sloshed, as always. Pb appeared to have given us drinks on the house, but then I realised that I paid for them. Damn. Chuck happy in the canal for old times sake, then urinate on a car.
February 14
Apprently this note told me to buy some condoms, so I did that first. Then I find Rasta bouncing up and down in excitement.
"An old flame has just called me, I'm going to hook her up!"
"Don't you mean hook up with her?" I ask.
"No! Look!" Rasta produced a SNES and hooked it up to the power.
Ah. So his old flame is a SNES. Seems nostalgic. Maybe he thinks it would cause less pain being shoved up his anus.
February 15
Go to work being very smug to find Ant chatting to Mystique. Oh crap. She tells me to run before he chases me.
Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Ant is very angry with me, and my anus is too innocent to have a console shoved up it. Please not the X-Box, I pray. Anything but!
I escape from Ant by shouting that the Pope is behind him. By the time he'd remembered he was Protestant, I'd escaped to run into Grix's lab. Unfortunately I ran over a spherical piece of glass.
"You idiot!" He yelled. "Another six months of research down the drain."
I searched for a way to remedy this for the good of mankind.
"Beer?" I suggest.
"Yeah!"
Things to Do: Sleep with Mystique a lot.
Check to see if the Gamecube gives birth.
Make sure Rasta doesn't come down the pub in his pants.
Stop drinking Archers. Right after this bottle.
Alcohol Units: 57 of your best!
Wake up in bed with Mystique. Before I do anything else, I write myself a note.
Note: You are sex god. Create temple and find subjects. Oh, buy more condoms.
Before I do anything else AT ALL, I have sex with Mystique again. It's the right thing to do, after all.
Later, we are lying in bed when Rasta walks in wearing his pants, hugging the Gamecube.
"Funerals set for tomorrow lads. It's going to be...emotional. Seen my dungarees?" he sobs.
He fails to notice that there's a very naked woman on the bed. I'm naked too, but I'm always naked. He wanders out. I decide to take advantage of the naked woman smiling at me.
Much later, once I've showered and smiled inanely at myself in the mirror, I walk into the living room. Rasta is lying on his back, wearing his dungarees and re-sticking the spikes onto the Gamecube.
"What funeral?" I ask.
"Big Boys."
"Who?"
"My old Gamecube!" he cried, outraged. Then he ran out into the street. I was tempted to tell him he was only wearing his pants, but then I shrugged and called the lads for a meeting at the pub later.
I've decided tonight is the night I'm going to get to know the barman....
So his names pb. Excellent. Bit of a strange name, I thought, then I realised what my friends names are.
Get sloshed, as always. Pb appeared to have given us drinks on the house, but then I realised that I paid for them. Damn. Chuck happy in the canal for old times sake, then urinate on a car.
February 14
Apprently this note told me to buy some condoms, so I did that first. Then I find Rasta bouncing up and down in excitement.
"An old flame has just called me, I'm going to hook her up!"
"Don't you mean hook up with her?" I ask.
"No! Look!" Rasta produced a SNES and hooked it up to the power.
Ah. So his old flame is a SNES. Seems nostalgic. Maybe he thinks it would cause less pain being shoved up his anus.
February 15
Go to work being very smug to find Ant chatting to Mystique. Oh crap. She tells me to run before he chases me.
Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap. Ant is very angry with me, and my anus is too innocent to have a console shoved up it. Please not the X-Box, I pray. Anything but!
I escape from Ant by shouting that the Pope is behind him. By the time he'd remembered he was Protestant, I'd escaped to run into Grix's lab. Unfortunately I ran over a spherical piece of glass.
"You idiot!" He yelled. "Another six months of research down the drain."
I searched for a way to remedy this for the good of mankind.
"Beer?" I suggest.
"Yeah!"
Things to Do: Sleep with Mystique a lot.
Check to see if the Gamecube gives birth.
Make sure Rasta doesn't come down the pub in his pants.
Stop drinking Archers. Right after this bottle.
Hehehheheheheheeh :-D :-D
I think I actually AM going to coat my GC in black leather (not spikes though) when I get it :-D
I think I actually AM going to coat my GC in black leather (not spikes though) when I get it :-D
Excellent once again Gaz, they should make this into a tv program as long as I get a say in the cast. :)
Sorry about that before. what am i on about? You've gotta feel sorry for the GameCube not Rasta :-D
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