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"Ali Boy's Diary"

This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)

ALI BOY'S DIARY

Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)

January 1

V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.

Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.

January 2

Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)

Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…

Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.

“ Errr…fine.”

” What is it you do Alan?”

“ I am a journalist mum.”

“ Glad to hear it!”

Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.

Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.

January 3

Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)

Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.

Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.

“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.

Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.

January 4

Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)

Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.

Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?

January 5

Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)

I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.

January 6

Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)

Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.

Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.

Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.

Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.

January 29

Damn, have woken up in empty bed with only strangely misformed cushion to comfort me. Hmm. Wander out into lounge where Rasta is sat, trying to perform a strange action on his Gamecube. I ask him what he is doing.

" She asked me to push her button."

Sigh. Perhaps I need to speak to Rasta's mother. Presuming he has one, or hasn't sold her for black leather money. This reminds me. Rasta has covered his Gamecube in black leather. I actually chortled when I saw this. Rasta yet again seems pleased. Will leave it at that.

Went into work, to confront a moaning Iguana, something that should not be beheld at 8:30 without strong coffee and a chasity belt. She wants we to review Vanilla Sky. I do not want to review Vanilla Sky. Mystique tells me to review Vanilla Sky, or I'm sacked. I review Vanilla Sky, but I don't feel very happy about it, so my rebel Scottish image is not tarnished. I may have a kilt somewhere, if Rasta hasn't scrounged it for a bizarre sex toy.

January 30

Alcohol Units: More, please.

As always, I go down pub with Rasta, Grix and Gamecube. Not sure what the Gamecube is doing there, she doesn't drink anything and has damn few conversation skills. Still, Rasta seems to engage her in ways I'd rather not know. Anyway, we met Ant, with his new Mystique shaped scarf drooped around his shoulders. Pitiful. I'm aloof, not at all jealous and not noticing Mystique's breasts. Damn, will not notice Mystique's breasts in future. Damn. Grix, the philosopher, gives me more sage advice.

" Ant is funning her, you've funned BigBreast. Correct?"

I believe this to be vaguely true, although BigBreast has disappeared, possibly to some BigBreast research lab.

" You have funned Mystique. Ant has funned BigBreast. It's all down to the maths. You fun Ant!"

Rasta laughed and split his drink over the black leather Gamecube.

" Grix...I have to ask you this. Are you gay?"

This proceeded to a circuit of events, in which Ant assisted Grix in throwing me through a series of doors, some thin, some...not. Pint of gin did not help.

January 31

Thank god it's a weekend. I need to get rid of this hangover, that might have permanently moved into my brain and set up home. Stagger out into living room about 2ish and, as always, confront Rasta on Gamecube. But Grix is with him. Poss. perfecting the Three Way Stick? I don't notice the Cuba Sutra about, but it could be hidden in Grix's hair. I resist the temptation to search. Ask Grix why he was here.

"Selling Rasta some weed."

I was shocked at this. I thought Rasta grew his own weed. What else is the roof for?

"Only joking. I cam to apologise. I'm not gay, by the way. But I thought you might be."

WHAT? I was very enraged at this. My kitchen has a thin door, after all. Door + Grix = :-D. But I didn't. Because I have a good sense of moral duty. NOT because Grix is half a foot taller than me.

To Do: Print and hand-out leaflets saying I'm not gay.
Print and hand-out leaflets saying Grix IS gay.
Despair is Rasta will ever become straight or gay. He's invented a new sexuality, by the look of it. Seems pleased.

Another great addition Stryke, keep it up. More I tell ya, more.

Ooh, naughty! ;0)

I bet you are, Grix, you wily minx.

Stryke wrote:
"What judgement would that be? Please remember, I intend no offense. You probably aren't gay. 75% chance not. ;-)"

Perfectly straight, thank you. :D

Ah, pb read 'em too. As does Grix, apparently. What an audience! I shall revel, as a only a Welshman can.

Keep em coming Stryke. Excellent.

Stryke wrote:
> Chris, don't get too carried away. Those disctrays are DELICATE!

Awww... no whips? No spikes? No leather clad gamecubes with whips and spikes? WAHHH!!! :'(

:-D

Chris, don't get too carried away. Those disctrays are DELICATE!

Mmmm... GameCube....