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This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
Page:
I try to do my best ;-)
LOL! Another great chapter Stryke. "Gamecubes are hard to remove from anuses" You've gotta feel sorry for Rasta :-D
February 10
Oh crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap.
I was chased through Oxford by a bloke with a trout. Oh crap, look at the size of it. What the fun did I do? How much did I funning drink? Oh fun.
February 11
Alcohol Units: I was in pain, funning loads!
Bah, I'm bedbound after the bloke caught me. Ant and Grix are here. Rasta is showing his level of caring by playing Mario Sunshine. Seems pleased. I think he feels kinship with Mario because they are both midgets who wear dungarees. Pity Rasta can't grow stubble, let alone a
'tache. And I'm sure Mario doesn't coat his Gamecube with black leather and write Big Boy on it. Sad, sad man.
Grix said in his offical, educated opinion that I couldn't hold my Archers and was being a tart by urinating on that blokes window. Ant told me not to worry, and I wasn't the worst off. Mystique had dumped him, apparently.
"Really?" I say, feigning surprise.
"For another bloke." said Ant, miserably.
"NO?! Do you know who?" said I.
"No." said Ant. "But when I find him, I'll slaughter hi...Is that her sweater?"
"Oh fun. It was...errr...Rasta. He slept with her. I was occupied seperating urea from blood plasma."
Then I sat back.
Several hours later, Ant had gone. So had Rasta, actually. To the hospital. Gamecubes are hard to remove from anuses, or so Grix informs me.
I dorwn my guilt in Archers, and for once only care slightly about it being fruity. In more ways than one.
February 12
Alcohol Units: Purely medical, I assure you.
The doctors have informed me I only have a sprained ankle and can go to work. Dr Grix has re-stocked my fridge with Archers, good on him.
At work Mystique is wearing the most revealing dress on Earth. That Kate Moss doesn't own. Looking very fit, I must say. She tries to ask me out. I fear for my safety and eternal salvation if Ant finds out.
" I can't sorry. I'd just be wrong." I reply, morally.
" I'll be wearing leather."
" OK."
Well, I'll probably get sex. And is sex not the most holy of things? Did God not say so? Where would Mrs God be without it? I'm sure Jesus says words to that effect someplace.
Rasta is returned by kindly chaps in white. He smiles weakly, but is clutching a Gamecube without black leather.
"What happened?" I asked.
"They....had....to....KILL IT!" sobbed Rasta. " Too far embedded. The ashes are in my bag."
i considered this, and laughed. Well, it was pathetically funny.
"But it's OK" said Rasta in the tones of a midget trying not to cry "I have a new one! Granted, it won't be the same..."
He hunches up. I shake my head and laugh.
Three hours later he has coated it with black leather and spikes. Seems ecstatic. Oh, the hearts of men are fickle.
Sod it, I'm having an Archers.
Oh crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap.
I was chased through Oxford by a bloke with a trout. Oh crap, look at the size of it. What the fun did I do? How much did I funning drink? Oh fun.
February 11
Alcohol Units: I was in pain, funning loads!
Bah, I'm bedbound after the bloke caught me. Ant and Grix are here. Rasta is showing his level of caring by playing Mario Sunshine. Seems pleased. I think he feels kinship with Mario because they are both midgets who wear dungarees. Pity Rasta can't grow stubble, let alone a
'tache. And I'm sure Mario doesn't coat his Gamecube with black leather and write Big Boy on it. Sad, sad man.
Grix said in his offical, educated opinion that I couldn't hold my Archers and was being a tart by urinating on that blokes window. Ant told me not to worry, and I wasn't the worst off. Mystique had dumped him, apparently.
"Really?" I say, feigning surprise.
"For another bloke." said Ant, miserably.
"NO?! Do you know who?" said I.
"No." said Ant. "But when I find him, I'll slaughter hi...Is that her sweater?"
"Oh fun. It was...errr...Rasta. He slept with her. I was occupied seperating urea from blood plasma."
Then I sat back.
Several hours later, Ant had gone. So had Rasta, actually. To the hospital. Gamecubes are hard to remove from anuses, or so Grix informs me.
I dorwn my guilt in Archers, and for once only care slightly about it being fruity. In more ways than one.
February 12
Alcohol Units: Purely medical, I assure you.
The doctors have informed me I only have a sprained ankle and can go to work. Dr Grix has re-stocked my fridge with Archers, good on him.
At work Mystique is wearing the most revealing dress on Earth. That Kate Moss doesn't own. Looking very fit, I must say. She tries to ask me out. I fear for my safety and eternal salvation if Ant finds out.
" I can't sorry. I'd just be wrong." I reply, morally.
" I'll be wearing leather."
" OK."
Well, I'll probably get sex. And is sex not the most holy of things? Did God not say so? Where would Mrs God be without it? I'm sure Jesus says words to that effect someplace.
Rasta is returned by kindly chaps in white. He smiles weakly, but is clutching a Gamecube without black leather.
"What happened?" I asked.
"They....had....to....KILL IT!" sobbed Rasta. " Too far embedded. The ashes are in my bag."
i considered this, and laughed. Well, it was pathetically funny.
"But it's OK" said Rasta in the tones of a midget trying not to cry "I have a new one! Granted, it won't be the same..."
He hunches up. I shake my head and laugh.
Three hours later he has coated it with black leather and spikes. Seems ecstatic. Oh, the hearts of men are fickle.
Sod it, I'm having an Archers.
Believe me, I am. Wouldn't miss it.
This should be on tv instead of that poxy Eastenders. Hey, Rasta could be played by that Graham chap who was also on Goodnight Sweetheart....
This should be on tv instead of that poxy Eastenders. Hey, Rasta could be played by that Graham chap who was also on Goodnight Sweetheart....
Stryke wrote:
> Cheers, Rickoss, glad someone else is reading it :-)
Which means you should do more : )
> Cheers, Rickoss, glad someone else is reading it :-)
Which means you should do more : )
Cheers, Rickoss, glad someone else is reading it :-)
LOL, first time i've read one page of AliBoys diary :-D
Great stuff.
Great stuff.
Excellent, my favourite story type thing on these forums, and not just because it is me. :)
February 8
Alcohol Units: NONE! Thats none! Ok, I'm lying.
I was at work today, for a change. Mystique might be angry with me, and fire me. This would not be good because of many reasons:
a) I wouldn't get money. Money = beer = drunk = sex. Maybe.
b) See c.
c) Revert to point a.
So I called Ant and persuaded him to come in and drap himself over Mystique for a bit. Damn that git, why does he get sex and I don't?
Must be my lack of rippling pectorals. Must join gym. I went down to gym. But they said I had to work out. But in the films they just walk in and walk out an hour later, having cavorted with buxom gym ladies and chatted to an elderly bloke named Dave. Hm.
I arrive back at the apartment to find Rasta in the company of a lady. A REAL LADY! The Gamecube actually has some dust on its black leather exterior. Jesus. Then this lady turns out to be Mystique. She's cheating on Ant for this midget of a bloke who's idea of heaven is leather covered purple plastic? Fair play to them. I retreat to my room and call Grix. Grix is wise and knows all, but he shouted at me and told me to stop ringing him every installment because it was getting tired and it was time a new character was introduced. I am going to take him up on his suggestion.
So I called mrhappy. He has no first name, other than mr. This suits me fine, because I seem to have no surname other than Boy. He is a fellow film critic over at Total Film. Damn good bloke, even if he does have a tendency to ponce about watching French films.
We got smashed. Excellent. Apparently I said, in earnest tones, that the bartender was looking attractive. Happy decided I had had enough and took me home. I stumbled in to see Rasta and Mystique entwined on the sofa.
"Good evening. I'm going to urinate in the sink." I said, in jolly tones.
February 9
Wake up to find I am in bed with Mystique.
WHAT?
I seem pleased. Excellent, perhaps I got some sex. She seems pleased, so it probably wasn't sex with me. She is sleeping peacefully, so I go out into the living room. And trip over Rasta. The Gamecube is clutched in his arms. Seems OK. I go into the kitchen, and the sink is full of urine. Damn. I blamed Rasta and told him to clean it up.
Ant is going to kill me. Rasta was seducing his girlfriend and somehow I end up in bed with her. I walk down to get the mail. Then I realise I am naked. Damn.
At work today Mystique makes coyish gestures at me, which I am at great pains trying to avoid. Ant is big and hard and has the blessing of God. Probably. So I solve the problem by winking at Iguana. She slaps me. Then Mystique slaps me. I consider slapping them. Probably not the best of ideas.
This is a serious situation that can only be solved by sleeping with Mystique again.
I must avoid this and pretend it never happened. Ant will almost certainly never forgive me. Possibly. 50/50. So I go down the pub with Ant and happy and Grix, and I drag Rasta with me. He attempts to bring both the X-Box and the Gamecube. I am convinced the X-Box is a ho trying to worm its way into Rasta's life. Him and the Gamecube need reminding they are meant for each other. He ends up in the middle of the street because the plug lead has ended and won't come out. So I leave him there, hugging the black leather. Seems smug.
Arrive at pub. Ant seems OK. Grix seems miffed. Apparently he mucked up three years of research at the university today. Oh. This can be solved with large amounts of whiskey. And some vodka for me.
Three hours later I realise I am drinking Archers again. JESUS CHRIST! How can this be? Am I female and not noticing it?
We stagger back to my house for some more beer, me and Grix. Ant goes home. Happy wanders off and eventually lands in the canal. We presume he can swim.
To Do: a) Check if I have breasts.
b) Never drink any of the following ever again; Archers, Smirnoff Ice, Hooch, J2O, antifreeze, meths, Ribena. Not sure about the last one, actually.
c) Go to sleep, because its 1am and I'm up writing this poxy diary.
Alcohol Units: NONE! Thats none! Ok, I'm lying.
I was at work today, for a change. Mystique might be angry with me, and fire me. This would not be good because of many reasons:
a) I wouldn't get money. Money = beer = drunk = sex. Maybe.
b) See c.
c) Revert to point a.
So I called Ant and persuaded him to come in and drap himself over Mystique for a bit. Damn that git, why does he get sex and I don't?
Must be my lack of rippling pectorals. Must join gym. I went down to gym. But they said I had to work out. But in the films they just walk in and walk out an hour later, having cavorted with buxom gym ladies and chatted to an elderly bloke named Dave. Hm.
I arrive back at the apartment to find Rasta in the company of a lady. A REAL LADY! The Gamecube actually has some dust on its black leather exterior. Jesus. Then this lady turns out to be Mystique. She's cheating on Ant for this midget of a bloke who's idea of heaven is leather covered purple plastic? Fair play to them. I retreat to my room and call Grix. Grix is wise and knows all, but he shouted at me and told me to stop ringing him every installment because it was getting tired and it was time a new character was introduced. I am going to take him up on his suggestion.
So I called mrhappy. He has no first name, other than mr. This suits me fine, because I seem to have no surname other than Boy. He is a fellow film critic over at Total Film. Damn good bloke, even if he does have a tendency to ponce about watching French films.
We got smashed. Excellent. Apparently I said, in earnest tones, that the bartender was looking attractive. Happy decided I had had enough and took me home. I stumbled in to see Rasta and Mystique entwined on the sofa.
"Good evening. I'm going to urinate in the sink." I said, in jolly tones.
February 9
Wake up to find I am in bed with Mystique.
WHAT?
I seem pleased. Excellent, perhaps I got some sex. She seems pleased, so it probably wasn't sex with me. She is sleeping peacefully, so I go out into the living room. And trip over Rasta. The Gamecube is clutched in his arms. Seems OK. I go into the kitchen, and the sink is full of urine. Damn. I blamed Rasta and told him to clean it up.
Ant is going to kill me. Rasta was seducing his girlfriend and somehow I end up in bed with her. I walk down to get the mail. Then I realise I am naked. Damn.
At work today Mystique makes coyish gestures at me, which I am at great pains trying to avoid. Ant is big and hard and has the blessing of God. Probably. So I solve the problem by winking at Iguana. She slaps me. Then Mystique slaps me. I consider slapping them. Probably not the best of ideas.
This is a serious situation that can only be solved by sleeping with Mystique again.
I must avoid this and pretend it never happened. Ant will almost certainly never forgive me. Possibly. 50/50. So I go down the pub with Ant and happy and Grix, and I drag Rasta with me. He attempts to bring both the X-Box and the Gamecube. I am convinced the X-Box is a ho trying to worm its way into Rasta's life. Him and the Gamecube need reminding they are meant for each other. He ends up in the middle of the street because the plug lead has ended and won't come out. So I leave him there, hugging the black leather. Seems smug.
Arrive at pub. Ant seems OK. Grix seems miffed. Apparently he mucked up three years of research at the university today. Oh. This can be solved with large amounts of whiskey. And some vodka for me.
Three hours later I realise I am drinking Archers again. JESUS CHRIST! How can this be? Am I female and not noticing it?
We stagger back to my house for some more beer, me and Grix. Ant goes home. Happy wanders off and eventually lands in the canal. We presume he can swim.
To Do: a) Check if I have breasts.
b) Never drink any of the following ever again; Archers, Smirnoff Ice, Hooch, J2O, antifreeze, meths, Ribena. Not sure about the last one, actually.
c) Go to sleep, because its 1am and I'm up writing this poxy diary.
You are welcome. I have a week of half-term, so I'm sure I'll have time to update a lot. Let's aim to finish February. Then, the YEAR!
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