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This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
Page:
February 25
I wake up in a stupor. None of my 'tender' areas have been painted, lilac or otherwise. I debate checking the other guys genetials, but decide this would look dodgy. I'm not gay.
Really.
Today we apparently have a series of fun outdoor activities planned. I asked the tour girl about this.
"So, whats involved?"
"Well, a variety of fun activities!" she replied, enthusiastically.
"Like sex?"
"No! But they will be fun!"
"Sex is fun."
She blushes. I seize my chance.
"Sex outside is great fun."
"No! Canoeing and riding are!"
"Yes. Riding."
"No, riding on animals!"
"I can be a right animal."
At this point the lads turned up. Pb winks at the girl. I am hustled off by Grix. Damn the lad. He obviously wants me. And who can blame him.
We spend the rest of the day getting very drunk in a bar. Pb gets in a fight with a barmanwoman over who can make the best cocktail, and they end up having sex under Happy. Happy doesn't notice however. He passed out a few minutes earlier, after I poured half a pint of Aftershock in his beer. He's probably paraplegic for life now.
Meh. More drinks. Except the barwoman is making hot love to Pb under a passed out Happy. I haven't seen Ant for hours. Grix is trying to flirt with a flowerpot. Rasta still hasn't come back. He may be dead.
I stumble out, with a few Archers for the journey, and find the tour girl.
"Hello! Can I interest you in some activites! Like riding!" I say.
She looks at me dubiously. I therefore correct this with some Archers. I seize my chance, as she is obviously in love with my Man-charms.
"Fancy some sex?" I ask
"OK."
Score!
I wake up in a stupor. None of my 'tender' areas have been painted, lilac or otherwise. I debate checking the other guys genetials, but decide this would look dodgy. I'm not gay.
Really.
Today we apparently have a series of fun outdoor activities planned. I asked the tour girl about this.
"So, whats involved?"
"Well, a variety of fun activities!" she replied, enthusiastically.
"Like sex?"
"No! But they will be fun!"
"Sex is fun."
She blushes. I seize my chance.
"Sex outside is great fun."
"No! Canoeing and riding are!"
"Yes. Riding."
"No, riding on animals!"
"I can be a right animal."
At this point the lads turned up. Pb winks at the girl. I am hustled off by Grix. Damn the lad. He obviously wants me. And who can blame him.
We spend the rest of the day getting very drunk in a bar. Pb gets in a fight with a barmanwoman over who can make the best cocktail, and they end up having sex under Happy. Happy doesn't notice however. He passed out a few minutes earlier, after I poured half a pint of Aftershock in his beer. He's probably paraplegic for life now.
Meh. More drinks. Except the barwoman is making hot love to Pb under a passed out Happy. I haven't seen Ant for hours. Grix is trying to flirt with a flowerpot. Rasta still hasn't come back. He may be dead.
I stumble out, with a few Archers for the journey, and find the tour girl.
"Hello! Can I interest you in some activites! Like riding!" I say.
She looks at me dubiously. I therefore correct this with some Archers. I seize my chance, as she is obviously in love with my Man-charms.
"Fancy some sex?" I ask
"OK."
Score!
a fair proportion of men?
i got this damn disturbing e-mail this morning:
Will you send me a pic of you so I have something to love??
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. "
- Chessmaster Savielly Grigoriev
___________________________________________________
GO.com Mail
Get Your Free, Private E-mail at http://mail.go.com
This is from my mate Daryl! He a guy and really weird! I'm scared people *hides in corner*
i got this damn disturbing e-mail this morning:
Will you send me a pic of you so I have something to love??
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. "
- Chessmaster Savielly Grigoriev
___________________________________________________
GO.com Mail
Get Your Free, Private E-mail at http://mail.go.com
This is from my mate Daryl! He a guy and really weird! I'm scared people *hides in corner*
Great stuff, Stryke.
Man-razor, lol :-D
More!
Man-razor, lol :-D
More!
Quality, I think you should get a prize for this. Nobel prize or something.
:-)
It is brill and you all know it.
:-)
It is brill and you all know it.
Lol!LOLOLOLOL!
LOL!
LOL!
February 21
Today I woke up and decided that I need a break. This must wait, for Rasta has snuck into my bed dressed as a fairy. I must do something about this, but first I let rip in his face. While he digests the heavenly aroma, I decide to lob him in the sink. Doubtless i will forget and urinate on him later that night.
Excellent.
I realised tomorrow is my much-awaited trip to Center-Parcs that the author has cunningly forgotten to mention up to this point because it's an...err...surprise. For Ant. And Grix. And Pb. And Happy. Damn, better take Rasta too.
Later that night, after many Archers, I do indeed urinate on his head. Shame.
February 22
We manage to cram all of us in Pb's Mini. halfway down the road I remember I have left Rasta in the sink. I go back to fetch him. He has forgotten to pack, so I drag him out in his pants. They have Big Boy written on them. He screams like a girl and clutches his Gamecube, so I drag both of them out. Well, I suppose there might be some couples stuff to do. The journey was fun.
"Pb, why aren't we going towards Centre-Parcs?"
"I know the funning way, Ant. Fun you."
"Fun you, barboy. I rule your funning ars."
"Fun you, gay. My ars is my own."
"Fun you both. I'm going to funning kill all of you unless you funning take the right way. Funning sort it out!" muttered Grix.
Silence.
"No need to swear, Grix."
"Definitely that time of the month."
"What? He's not even female."
"I'll verify that if you want." says Ant.
"Bet you're gay."
"Right! I'm going to funning throw you out, Happyman."
"Fun you."
"OK"
There followed a punch-up in the back of the Mini, which meant everyones suitcases where thrown open. In the mess were a thong, a Celine Dion CD, a copy of Notting Hill on video, and a pink top.
"Who's are they?" asked Grix.
Everyone looked at Ant.
"What? Why do you funners think they're mine? Oh alright, it's a fair cop."
Rasta slept for the entire journey. We celebrated this by covering his head in shaving foam and shaving his eyebrows off with my leg-wax...errr...I mean my Man-Razor.
Pb is, of course, going the wrong way.
Funner.
We arrrive in the dead of night. Everyone else is asleep.
"Right lads, time for a drink."
"Ok."
Febraury 23
Mutter. Memories...painful...porcupines...ouch....Ant's thong....hmmm....COUSCOUS......muttter....hangover....many Archers....using Rasta as dartboard...
February 24
I think we drunk a little bit too much. As a result, I am hanging by my feet from the flagpole with my testicles painted a nice shade of lilac. I can spy Ant. He's got arrested for public nudity. Hm.
I get down a bit later, when Grix staggers up. His impressive beard is half gone. Happyman was taken 5 miles to the nearest canal and thrown in, apparently. Pb is to never be spoken of until the memories of violent pink combined with water voles fade away.
It appears Rasta has gotten his revenge on all of us. Right....
We settle down for a pint and an Archers. Rasta may still be airbourne. I've forgotten what colour we painted his gentials.
Turning out to be a good week at Centre-Parcs so far...
To Do On Holiday: Pull
Pull a woman
Make sure testicles survive in one or two pieces
Become sex god in 7 easy steps
Elope with the fetching cleaner
Escape fetching cleaners 6 foot 7 boyfriend with shotgun
Pretend I don't drink Archers and am really Man. Meh, worth a try...
Today I woke up and decided that I need a break. This must wait, for Rasta has snuck into my bed dressed as a fairy. I must do something about this, but first I let rip in his face. While he digests the heavenly aroma, I decide to lob him in the sink. Doubtless i will forget and urinate on him later that night.
Excellent.
I realised tomorrow is my much-awaited trip to Center-Parcs that the author has cunningly forgotten to mention up to this point because it's an...err...surprise. For Ant. And Grix. And Pb. And Happy. Damn, better take Rasta too.
Later that night, after many Archers, I do indeed urinate on his head. Shame.
February 22
We manage to cram all of us in Pb's Mini. halfway down the road I remember I have left Rasta in the sink. I go back to fetch him. He has forgotten to pack, so I drag him out in his pants. They have Big Boy written on them. He screams like a girl and clutches his Gamecube, so I drag both of them out. Well, I suppose there might be some couples stuff to do. The journey was fun.
"Pb, why aren't we going towards Centre-Parcs?"
"I know the funning way, Ant. Fun you."
"Fun you, barboy. I rule your funning ars."
"Fun you, gay. My ars is my own."
"Fun you both. I'm going to funning kill all of you unless you funning take the right way. Funning sort it out!" muttered Grix.
Silence.
"No need to swear, Grix."
"Definitely that time of the month."
"What? He's not even female."
"I'll verify that if you want." says Ant.
"Bet you're gay."
"Right! I'm going to funning throw you out, Happyman."
"Fun you."
"OK"
There followed a punch-up in the back of the Mini, which meant everyones suitcases where thrown open. In the mess were a thong, a Celine Dion CD, a copy of Notting Hill on video, and a pink top.
"Who's are they?" asked Grix.
Everyone looked at Ant.
"What? Why do you funners think they're mine? Oh alright, it's a fair cop."
Rasta slept for the entire journey. We celebrated this by covering his head in shaving foam and shaving his eyebrows off with my leg-wax...errr...I mean my Man-Razor.
Pb is, of course, going the wrong way.
Funner.
We arrrive in the dead of night. Everyone else is asleep.
"Right lads, time for a drink."
"Ok."
Febraury 23
Mutter. Memories...painful...porcupines...ouch....Ant's thong....hmmm....COUSCOUS......muttter....hangover....many Archers....using Rasta as dartboard...
February 24
I think we drunk a little bit too much. As a result, I am hanging by my feet from the flagpole with my testicles painted a nice shade of lilac. I can spy Ant. He's got arrested for public nudity. Hm.
I get down a bit later, when Grix staggers up. His impressive beard is half gone. Happyman was taken 5 miles to the nearest canal and thrown in, apparently. Pb is to never be spoken of until the memories of violent pink combined with water voles fade away.
It appears Rasta has gotten his revenge on all of us. Right....
We settle down for a pint and an Archers. Rasta may still be airbourne. I've forgotten what colour we painted his gentials.
Turning out to be a good week at Centre-Parcs so far...
To Do On Holiday: Pull
Pull a woman
Make sure testicles survive in one or two pieces
Become sex god in 7 easy steps
Elope with the fetching cleaner
Escape fetching cleaners 6 foot 7 boyfriend with shotgun
Pretend I don't drink Archers and am really Man. Meh, worth a try...
I got up for an early morning jog about 6ish, with my Swiss personal coach, Vicki, who has nice t**s. After that it's a light breakfast of figs before making tonight's sushi. Then I do a bit of charity work.
7-7:30 I try and discover a cure for cancer.
Then I come on here to enlighten your lives.
7-7:30 I try and discover a cure for cancer.
Then I come on here to enlighten your lives.
He was up writing more AB's diary in a bid to entertain everyone everywhere.
All round good guy he is.
All round good guy he is.
Gaz, what the bloody hell were you doing being on here at 7.38 am?!
Heheh, if you don't write more Gaz, I'll be forced to send you an email bomb :-D
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