Viewing Thread:
"Know any good jokes?"

Seriously, some of us want to laugh for a while please.

I'll start:

What's white and swings through the jungle?
Tarzan The Fridge

(hey I know it sucks but c'mon, gimme a break, how many jokes about fridges do you know?)

er..Nike sucks and Steps can't sing.

Here is another one from my good friends.

Its a blonde joke so no offence to any blonde's :o)

A woman walks into the doctors office and says, "Doctor I hurt all over."

The doctor says, "that's impossible."

"No really! Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts." she replies.

The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"

The woman smiles and says, "Why yes I am. How did you know?"

The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Lol

Ant wrote:
> What do you call a Spanish dog with no back-legs?

Grassy-***e


Heh heh heh.

Thats the best I have heard in ages. :-D


Let me think... erm.

This is courtecy of http://www.makeyoulaugh.com

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your butt, didn't it?"


:-D

Did you know that Liverpool placed a bid for the Olympics? Here is an
>> >>extract of their bid policy which was leaked by the IOC.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>OPENING CEREMONY
>> >>The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the
>> >>arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the
>traditional
>> >>clothing of balaclava and a shell suit.
>> >>
>> >>THE EVENTS
>> >>In previous Olympics, Liverpool's competitors have not been
>>particularly
>> >>successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have
>> >>been altered slightly to embrace the local athletes.
>> >>
>> >>100 METRES SPRINT
>> >>Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven
>> >>(one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police
>dog
>> >> will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.
>> >>
>> >>110 METRES HURDLES
>> >>Pretty much as above with added obstacles, for example car bonnets,
>> >>hedges,
>> >>garden fences, walls, you get the general idea.
>> >>
>> >>HAMMER
>> >>The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer: claw, lump,
>> >>sledge etc. The winner shall be the one who can cause the most
>>grievous
>> >>bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.
>> >>
>> >>WEIGHTLIFTING
>> >>From a standing position, competitors will have various electronic
>> >>goods placed in their arms. In order to complete the lift these items
>must
>> >>then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mates transit van.
>> >>
>> >>FENCING
>> >>Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as
>possible
>> >>within five minutes.
>> >>
>> >>SHOOTING
>> >>A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's
>>ability
>> >>over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows:
>> >>1. A moving police vehicle
>> >>2. A post office clerk
>> >>3. A bank teller or Securicor driver
>> >>4. Their next door neighbours youngest child.
>> >>Note. This target to be followed by the ritual cry of "I thought he was
>a
>> >>bizzy" or "He pulled a knife on me."
>> >>
>> >>BOXING
>> >>Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams. The event will take
>> >>place
>> >>on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be
>> >>given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any
>tea
>> >>when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
>> >>
>> >>CYCLING TIME TRIALS
>> >>Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike
>shed
>> >>and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's boy from the
>> >>country on his first time away from home against the clock.
>> >>
>> >>CYCLING PURSUIT
>> >>As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police
>> >>Station and must be witnessed by an officer.
>> >>
>> >>TIME TRIAL
>> >>The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time and
>> >>taxpayers money before being found guilty, will be adjudged the victor.
>> >>
>> >>MODERN PENTATHLON
>> >>Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and
>> >>arson.
>> >>
>> >>THE MARATHON
>> >>A safe route has yet to be confirmed, but the competitors will be
>> >>issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog s***e,
>>crisp
>> >>packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way around the course.
>> >>
>> >>MEN'S 50km WALK
>> >>Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
>> >>A. Because if it walked it would get mugged Therefore for safety
>>reasons
>> >>this event has been cancelled
>> >>
>> >>RELAY
>> >>Each of the four competitors are to remove an appliance of their choice
>> >>from a house in sleepy Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at
>> >>least
>> >>four different stolen cars.
>> >>
>> >>ARCHERY
>> >>Each competitor will be given three needles; the winner will be the
>> >>person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own
>>body.
>> >>
>> >>DISCUS
>> >>Discus will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car
>> >>and throw it to his mates the fastest.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>The following are Liverpool's exhibition events, designed to promote
>>the
>> >>local culture:
>> >>
>> >>PILLOW EATING
>> >>The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their
>>18
>> >>stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.
>> >>
>> >>GRAFFITI
>> >>To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's
>> >>wall in five minutes.
>> >>
>> >>Note: In order not to disadvantage local competitors, marks will not be
>> >>deducted for misspelling.
>> >>
>> >>BASEBALL
>> >>Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last man
>> >>standing wins.
>> >>
>> >>CLOSING CEREMONY
>> >>In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool competitors
>from
>> >>every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by knife wielding
>locals.
>> >>They will then scatter to the Four Corners of the City to find their
>>car
>> >>aerial ripped off, driver's side window bent and their car stereo
>> >>liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged "2 to look after your
>> >>motor,
>> >>mister". Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of
>> >>colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if
>> >>still
>> >>in place) will be extinguished by eight scallies forming a circle and
>> >>urinating on it. The closing speech will consist of the words "Everyone
>>in
>> >>Liverpool's a natural comedian you know". No one will laugh. Each
>visitor
>> >>will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home only to find
>> >>their wallet missing.
>> >>

I don't have anything against Liverpudlians or anything like that, and I don't stereotype them as thieves but this made me laugh :-D

Five Chicago sports fans were climbing a mountain. Each was
a fan of a different Chicago team, and each proclaimed to be
the most loyal of all fans to his team.

As they climbed higher, they argued about which one of them
was most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way
up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the
Blackhawks fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting,
"This is for the Hawks!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be outdone, the Bulls fan threw himself off
the mountain, proclaiming, "This is for the greatest
basketball team of the '90s!"

Seeing this, the Bears fan walked over and shouted, "Dis is
for Da Coach!" and leapt to his death.

The two remaining fans looked at each other in stunned
silence. After a minute, the Sox fan shouted, "This is for
all the Sox fans!" and hurled the Cubs fan off the mountain.

THINGS TO KNOW WHEN CAMPING

You can get even with a bear who raided your food supply by
kicking apart his favorite stump and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet
warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese
sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain
ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the
Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single
blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable
campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze,
cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add
absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows
on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by
climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you
something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo
camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines
out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an
old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow
rain." The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old
Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big
scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on
you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"Radio is broken."

What does a policeman say to his stomach in the Summer?

You're not under a vest.

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

You're under a vest.

Frankie and Johnny were walking down the Road.

Johnny fell into a hole.

"Is it dark down there?" called Frankie.

"I dunno, I cant see a blooming thing!" JOhnny cried up.



(:)