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Announcement from the EC (came from my brother Jim)
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, and strongly lobbied for by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
-In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" svith "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! !
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, and strongly lobbied for by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":
-In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" svith "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU! !
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10 monks were preparing to get into the heaven.
They have to pass on test to check if they are pure.
They have to put a bell at the end of their private parts and then there will be a lap dancer dance in front of them and if the bell rings then they don't get in.
The first 9 had the lap dancer dance in front of them and nothing happened not even a tinkle.
When the lap dancer danced in front of the 10th though the bell rang so loud it fell off.
Well the monk, very embarassed, bent over to pick up the bell then all of a sudden all of the other 9 bells started ringing.
They have to pass on test to check if they are pure.
They have to put a bell at the end of their private parts and then there will be a lap dancer dance in front of them and if the bell rings then they don't get in.
The first 9 had the lap dancer dance in front of them and nothing happened not even a tinkle.
When the lap dancer danced in front of the 10th though the bell rang so loud it fell off.
Well the monk, very embarassed, bent over to pick up the bell then all of a sudden all of the other 9 bells started ringing.
This isn't meant to be offensive, by the way... just a joke.
A ventriloquist is performing his act, and he's telling mostly blond jokes, which a lot of the audience is laughing about... but of course, with the odd exception.
After a while, one blond woman stands up, in the middle of a joke. She shouts loud, across the room.
"I've had QUITE enough of this! This is disgusting, and degrading. It's sexist, and shouldn't be allowed. You should be ashamed of yourself, and if you had any self decency, you will stop saying these blond jokes straight away."
The ventriloquist, quite shocked at what the women had said, spoke up.
"I'm very sorry, but it's only a joke..."
The blond woman interrupted the ventriloquist half way through his sentence, and said,
"Excuse me, but can you let your friend speak for himself?"
A ventriloquist is performing his act, and he's telling mostly blond jokes, which a lot of the audience is laughing about... but of course, with the odd exception.
After a while, one blond woman stands up, in the middle of a joke. She shouts loud, across the room.
"I've had QUITE enough of this! This is disgusting, and degrading. It's sexist, and shouldn't be allowed. You should be ashamed of yourself, and if you had any self decency, you will stop saying these blond jokes straight away."
The ventriloquist, quite shocked at what the women had said, spoke up.
"I'm very sorry, but it's only a joke..."
The blond woman interrupted the ventriloquist half way through his sentence, and said,
"Excuse me, but can you let your friend speak for himself?"
Man walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The barman is quite surprised at the mans drinking partner.
"Why have you got an octopus under you arm?" asks the barman.
"This octopus is a legend" replies the man, "He can play any musical instrument you give it."
The barman thinks and gives the octopus an electric guitar to play. The octopus is amazing, he makes Jimi Hendrix look crap. The barman is impressed, and asks the man if it can play the piano.
"Im not sure, but we'll give it a go." The man walks over to the piano and puts the octopus on the stool. The octopus looks a bit confused for a second, but starts to play amazingly well, he makes Jools Holland look rubbish.
Finally the barman thinks he's got a challenge for the the octopus. He goes out the back of the pub and comes back with a set of bag pipes. The man gives the bag pipes to the octopus who lokks at them for a while.
Then a while longer.
"Looks like we've got him on this one" Comments the barman, "he doesnt know how to play it"
"Play it?" asks the octopus, "If i can get its pyjamas off im going to shag it!"
"Why have you got an octopus under you arm?" asks the barman.
"This octopus is a legend" replies the man, "He can play any musical instrument you give it."
The barman thinks and gives the octopus an electric guitar to play. The octopus is amazing, he makes Jimi Hendrix look crap. The barman is impressed, and asks the man if it can play the piano.
"Im not sure, but we'll give it a go." The man walks over to the piano and puts the octopus on the stool. The octopus looks a bit confused for a second, but starts to play amazingly well, he makes Jools Holland look rubbish.
Finally the barman thinks he's got a challenge for the the octopus. He goes out the back of the pub and comes back with a set of bag pipes. The man gives the bag pipes to the octopus who lokks at them for a while.
Then a while longer.
"Looks like we've got him on this one" Comments the barman, "he doesnt know how to play it"
"Play it?" asks the octopus, "If i can get its pyjamas off im going to shag it!"
The humour is that it's not funny!!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Darkness
Go away Mr. Dark Mess your not welcome here
Boo hoo
Whos there?
Darkness
Go away Mr. Dark Mess your not welcome here
Boo hoo
It's OK if I copy stuff.
They would NEVER give me Gameaday anyway!
They would NEVER give me Gameaday anyway!
It's also to be found at www.jokes2000.com
Or is it .net?
Either way, it's the best jokes site I've found on the internet. I would post a few, but I'm too lazy. (And I prefer my posts to be my own stuff)
Or is it .net?
Either way, it's the best jokes site I've found on the internet. I would post a few, but I'm too lazy. (And I prefer my posts to be my own stuff)
All people need to do when they speak is put on a dodgy german accent - I am finding this news very distressing :D
Why not Scottish - ach I scottish is well bettar an wit ye talkin bout au this pure german talk by the way gie us scots anyday - This would be the poor Glaswegin accent
Why not Scottish - ach I scottish is well bettar an wit ye talkin bout au this pure german talk by the way gie us scots anyday - This would be the poor Glaswegin accent
No - I didn't write it. It's an announcement from the EC which my Brother was given when he went to Brussels.
(fibber!)
(fibber!)
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