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"Masturbation"

I've been staying with guests for about three weeks now, which is great fun and fantastic of them to give me shelter and sometimes food lovely.

But I've been polite. I've decided to, er.. refrainfrommasturbating while in their homes.

It's driving me insane. I feel like someone's slung a sledge hammer between my groin.

The first week or so was fine, my back's being a real pain at the moment, and I managed to trap nerves and stop my lower body from feeling anything at all. Er, that wasn't on purpose.

But every now and again the pain seeps away and I'm left with not-numbness, which results in a strange and animalistic attraction to the closest female. Oh dear.

On Saturday I'm going to a Thunder gig in Astoria, London... and hopefully, by Monday, I'll be back home.

This is insane. If it wasn't for my admitted f**ked up spine, I don't know how well I'd be doing here.

If there was a point to me telling you this I'd tell you, but I guess if I snap and start murdering every last one of you, please forgive me, I'm just frustratingly horny.

Oh dear, now I can't stand up.

So...you like the lesbians who look like the Hulk?

There is an easy barometer of judging women:

The ones that aren't lesbians are hateful witches that wish to hang your danglies as some kind of trophy.

MoJo version

"Hi... er... er... um... can I get you something?"

*girl looks at MoJo, and sighs*

"Make it a triple vodka... in fact, make that 10 triple vodkas"

"I have muscles, look!"

"Oh god... make that 20 triple vodkas"

I hate the supposed 'good' kind of lesbians - self-obsessed, attention seeking slappers is all they are.

Ha ha

Insane Bartender V2.0

"Fancy a pint?"
"Yeah alright"
"Do you like Star Wars?"
"Yeah, it's alright."
"Ever fantasise about screwing a stormtrooper?"
"No, why?"
"Oh, no reason... Great weather today, eh?"

"Fancy a drink?"
"I'm a lesbian"
"Oh, and I suppose lesbians photosynthesise?"
"Knob off"
"That'd be ideal for you, hey? Get it?"
"No, really, or I'll scream"
"....okay."

Blank wrote:
> Blank version v2.0:
>
> "Would you like a drink?"
> "Who's asking?"
> "Actually, that was gramatically incorrect. Still would be, were
> you to say it again. To correct it you would have to-"
> "Fuckoff."
---

*nods with recognition*

My favourite that almost made me stumble was:
"Fancy a pint?"
"Why?"
"...er...because then you'll stop looking like somebody crapped in your handbag and if I drink a few more, you'll look like Anna Kournikova?"
"Get lost"
"Fair enough. Could've told me you were a lezza though"
"You wish"
"No, I wish you had a mate that wasn't so angry. And used less eyeliner, you look like you got mugged by a panda with a grudge"

Goatboy wrote:
> Heh, your comment aimed at Blank makes it sound like you approve.
> Which indicates your secret lesbitarian longings.
> And I encourage that.
> But not the bad-lesbians that drink pints of cider and wear dungarees
> and hate men but look like them.
> No, I mean the good-ones that exist in movies, my head and Sheperd's
> Bush Walkabout.
****

I'm not going to disagree..

Heh, your comment aimed at Blank makes it sound like you approve.
Which indicates your secret lesbitarian longings.
And I encourage that.
But not the bad-lesbians that drink pints of cider and wear dungarees and hate men but look like them.
No, I mean the good-ones that exist in movies, my head and Sheperd's Bush Walkabout.