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"the magical TV !"

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Tue 04/11/03 at 16:59
Regular
"www.bloodbanx.com"
Posts: 1,174
please say how good this story is on a scale of 1 to 10
1,2,3,4 are void

Bill, Sam and Katy were watching their favourite TV program which was the Tweenies. Bill and Sam were five year old twins and Katy was six. It was coming up to Bill and Sam’s birthday. Katy had a birthday three weeks after Bill and Sam’s.

When there Birthday comes and they both wish for different things. Bill wished he could have a TV which showed the Tweenies all day, and Sam whished he could be one of the Tweenies. Mum and Dad went out to the TV shop and bought a new TV with a video player so Bill could watch the Tweenies all day. they also bought a Tweenies game so that Sam could be a Tweenie. When they got there wishes they were watching and playing all day.

Three weeks later Katy had her birthday and she wished she could have a magical TV which she could talk to, so Mum and Dad went to the TV shop and bought a magical TV.
They all went to bed and read there story books and fell fast asleep.

One night the magical TV turned itself on and sucked Bill, Sam and Katy into the TV. They were all in the TV with all their favourite Tweenies were there. They played lots of games with the Tweenies for hours then the Tweenies disappeared! Everything went fuzzy then it snowed, but then that disappeared! Suddenly everything flashed! Then pink, yellow, red and green turtles appeared. The turtles spun around towards them! Bill, Sam and Katy ran until a massive green turtle the biggest they had ever seen crushed them. Then nothing. All they could see was a big window and someone sat down, they looked very carefully it was there Mum! Mum moved away they all ran to the window then Bill spotted “MARIO LAND” and a big turtle like the one they saw on the cover.

Mum calls “tea time” Bill, Sam and Katy rush to the table and Dad says he went down to the game store and bought a new game. The whole family sit around the computer and play “Mario” with each other.

Bill and Sam and Katy think it was a dream but was it a dream?

feedback please! 1 to 10
Sat 08/11/03 at 20:25
Regular
Posts: 5,323
write an erotic novel!
Fri 07/11/03 at 20:34
Regular
"www.bloodbanx.com"
Posts: 1,174
Belldandy wrote:
> b銊ánt wrote:
> i am sure i am a good writer, this was my first childrens story and
> is
> aimed at children about 5 years old .
>
> Ah, now you should have put that when you made the post, because then
> people could have helped or actually commented - it gives your story
> context, where as by not saying what it was written as (a story for
> kids) meant that people assumed (largely) you were somewhat
> 'challenged' or likewise.


i see i will do that next time if there is a next time?

your a clever poster!

thanks for information

supose i did look like some physco dummy writing for adults.
Fri 07/11/03 at 19:24
Regular
"Best Price @ GAME :"
Posts: 3,812
b銊ánt wrote:
> i am sure i am a good writer, this was my first childrens story and is
> aimed at children about 5 years old .

Ah, now you should have put that when you made the post, because then people could have helped or actually commented - it gives your story context, where as by not saying what it was written as (a story for kids) meant that people assumed (largely) you were somewhat 'challenged' or likewise.
Fri 07/11/03 at 17:59
Posts: 15,443
Yep. Write a story about suspense, romance, death, all that usual stuff that seems to get the public enthralled nowadays.
Fri 07/11/03 at 15:59
Regular
"www.bloodbanx.com"
Posts: 1,174
i am sure i am a good writer, this was my first childrens story and is aimed at children about 5 years old .

most people here are older than that!
am i right?
Fri 07/11/03 at 15:52
"Mimmargh!"
Posts: 2,929
Icarus wrote:
> Just read it - that was the lamest story I have EVER read in my life.
> Seriously it is, as bad as if not worse than the GCSE drop outs back
> in comp.
>
> I'm sure you're a OK story writer, it's just that this one was bloody
> sh!te.
Fri 07/11/03 at 15:27
Posts: 15,443
Just read it - that was the lamest story I have EVER read in my life. Seriously it is, as bad as if not worse than the GCSE drop outs back in comp.

I'm sure you're a OK story writer, it's just that this one was bloody sh!te.
Fri 07/11/03 at 15:21
Regular
"www.bloodbanx.com"
Posts: 1,174
Belldandy wrote:
> A C at what level though?

i am in yr10 so no level but i expect about i dunno
maybe 6/7
not that good really when you think about it just a,b,c is what they use in yr10 and above
Thu 06/11/03 at 21:27
Regular
"Best Price @ GAME :"
Posts: 3,812
A C at what level though?
Thu 06/11/03 at 21:22
Regular
"www.bloodbanx.com"
Posts: 1,174
crap??? i wonder ??

i was told with a few extra lines it was definitly to make the C grade.
so why is it crap?

i would really laugh if i got a B for it hahaaha
then i could tell you how you misjudged it!
but thats not likely *doh*

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