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"The official Special Reserve jokes thread"

This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.

Gag away!

So we all know the bird of love is the dove.... so what is the bird of TRUE love?

The Swallow

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his
mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion

A blonde woman goes to the doctor and tells that him that both her ears have been burnt. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," said the doctor.
"Well,I was just ironing my clothes, when I received a call and instead of picking the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and burnt my ear."
"Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
"The jerk called back!"

Prove to us that Jesus was real first.......

:D

Signs that Childhood is Over

* Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it anymore.
* Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
* The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
* Being bad is no longer cool.
* You have friends who have kids.
* Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
* You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
* Your parents' jokes are now funny.
* You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
* You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
* Christmas starts to pi*s you off.
* You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
* Two words: parachute pants.
* Naps are good.
* Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
* You have once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
* When you know that the machines in gas station bathrooms don't dispense balloons.
* When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
* Playboy's Playmate of the month is younger than you.
* The only thing in your cereal box is...cereal.
* You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
* Your idea of fun parties now include Chips 'n' Salsa and Snapple.
* You leave concerts and ball games early to beat the crowd.
* You WANT clothes for Christmas.
* You don't want a Camaro because of the insurance premiums.
* You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
* You've bought an album on vinyl.
* You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
* You read the "if you were born on this day in 1976 you are of legal age to buy alcohol" sign at the liquor store and recall attending a high school dance on that date.
* You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

There was this fisherman who was quite good at fishing but no matter how big a fish he caught he always talked about the one that got away.
Anyway, he had two sons and they had the nicknames home and away because of their obsession of watching football on the telly.
One day,Home and away were forced to go fishing with their father.
About five hours later the fisherman ran through the door with panic on his face and said to his wife,
"It's so terrible a huge fish jumped onto the boat and ate home"
so his wife said horrified,
"What,What happened to away?"
And the fisherman replied
"Well, you should have seen the one that got away!"

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather.

Not screaming and clawing at the dashboard like the passengers in his car!

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I suppose is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The Creation of Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.