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This thread is now the official Special Reserve jokes thread, post all your gags in here rather than spewing them all over the rest of the forums. Let's keep it nice and tidy, no racist jokes, keep the sexist ones to a minimum and no foul language, please.
Gag away!
Gag away!
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Mystique wrote:
> Did you hear what happened to the short sighted circumciser?
>
> He got the sack.
Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! That's horrible!
-----------------
There was a young boy named Shaun
Who wished he had never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the condom was torn!
> Did you hear what happened to the short sighted circumciser?
>
> He got the sack.
Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! That's horrible!
-----------------
There was a young boy named Shaun
Who wished he had never been born
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the condom was torn!
Did you hear what happened to the short sighted circumciser?
He got the sack.
He got the sack.
Why are all the women screaming over Brazil's Ronaldinho rather than England's Beckham or Owen???
Because Ronaldinho can lob 'Seaman' from 30 yards!
:)
Because Ronaldinho can lob 'Seaman' from 30 yards!
:)
What do lemmings say to there children when there making a racket in the back seat ?
"I told you kids to knock it off back there , or I'll just drive this car off the next cliff I come to"
"I told you kids to knock it off back there , or I'll just drive this car off the next cliff I come to"
Hahahaha...
WASTED!!!
WASTED!!!
It's not.
Listen to this!
Patient-Doctor, doctor, I've got amnessia!
Doctor-I can't remember what it was.
I've got something stupid to tell you that was on Family Fortunes
This Indian race person called Poppy came on and answered Les's question
Les-"Tell me something that you get sliced in a bakery".
Poppy-"Cake!"
I'm not racist though, but it is true! I made a song about it and it goes...
My name is Poppy, I eat some steak
When I do, I like sliced cake!
When in the garden, I hug a rake
But when I do, I like sliced cake!
"Chorus"
Oh yeah! Oh goodness sake
I luv sliced cake!
Repeat chourus 4 times
HA HA! Really, is it good?
I have another song!
This old man, he played nil
He killed himself on a pill
With a nik-nak, sig-sag
Give the dog the loo
This old man ate his poo!
This old man, he played 1
He thought killing himself was a lot of fun!
With a nik-nak, tic-tac
Give the dog a rake
Kill the old man, for goodness sake!
This old man, he played 2
He caught himself covered with poo
With a nik-nak, giggly kak,
Give the dog a pea
This old man drunk his pee
This old man, he played 3
He skipped 4 to 9 bacause he was dopped on pee
With a nik-nak, huge tic-tac
Give the dog a cog
This old man ws lost in the fog
This old man, he played 10
He commited suicide with a pen
With a ooh-haa, eeh, hee
Make the dog a frown,
He starts again starting to drown!
I ain't funny, but someone reply if it is or not?
Patient-Doctor, doctor, I've got amnessia!
Doctor-I can't remember what it was.
I've got something stupid to tell you that was on Family Fortunes
This Indian race person called Poppy came on and answered Les's question
Les-"Tell me something that you get sliced in a bakery".
Poppy-"Cake!"
I'm not racist though, but it is true! I made a song about it and it goes...
My name is Poppy, I eat some steak
When I do, I like sliced cake!
When in the garden, I hug a rake
But when I do, I like sliced cake!
"Chorus"
Oh yeah! Oh goodness sake
I luv sliced cake!
Repeat chourus 4 times
HA HA! Really, is it good?
I have another song!
This old man, he played nil
He killed himself on a pill
With a nik-nak, sig-sag
Give the dog the loo
This old man ate his poo!
This old man, he played 1
He thought killing himself was a lot of fun!
With a nik-nak, tic-tac
Give the dog a rake
Kill the old man, for goodness sake!
This old man, he played 2
He caught himself covered with poo
With a nik-nak, giggly kak,
Give the dog a pea
This old man drunk his pee
This old man, he played 3
He skipped 4 to 9 bacause he was dopped on pee
With a nik-nak, huge tic-tac
Give the dog a cog
This old man ws lost in the fog
This old man, he played 10
He commited suicide with a pen
With a ooh-haa, eeh, hee
Make the dog a frown,
He starts again starting to drown!
I ain't funny, but someone reply if it is or not?
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells
... "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells
... "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and 1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody w*****s” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who called them both “bloody w*****s” and is checking out all the other men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed suicide.
Don't Make Me Bible Belt You
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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