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"The Man with the Micro Penis"

"Good afternoon sir, a woman left a letter for you."

The man smiled at the bellboy, took the letter, sliped it into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and lit up.

"I'll be at the blackjack tables if there's a phone call for me."

"Oui senoir."

The man calmly strode down the long stairs to the chandilier lit casino. Smoke filled the room, puffed out by men who were a lot less rich now that they'd been in here for a few hours.

But there was one man who always seemed to win. He sat at table 5...

So he sat down, opposite, and offered to play in. The table accepted.

A woman around the table eyed the new player... he knew his cards... and she knew his face.

"Cool, hit me." He said, taking a deep drag from his cigarette.

"Excuse me sir, have I seen you around places before?" The lady finally asked.

"Maybe. I've been to places before." The man quipped, taking another drag and raising the stakes.

The man, the man who never seemed to lose sneered at the smoking man's comment.

"So who are you?" The lady asked.

"The name's Snuggly." Snuggly took another deep drag from his cigarette. "Mr. Snuggly."

"Oh! I DO know you... remember when we inflitrated that drugs ring in South America... we made love under the sunset after we bought Mr Large to justice... he faced an untimely death after being rolled in his giant mechanical joint making machine."

The man who never losed eyed Snuggly... "I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone else."

"Can't you remember?" The woman said, giggling. "It wasn't that long ago... we're both spies, you know, you'd expect us to remember things like that. You DO still work for the British Secret Service, don't you?"

The man who never losed suddenly stood up quickly... two men seized Snuggly from behind, and the woman was punched in the face by the man, and fell to the floor.

"You! You the spy that been following me huh?" The man said.

"You've been stealing OAP's to build your underwater lair, Hybrid. It was only a matter of time before we found out your evil scheme."

"Acchh... I was so sure nobody would notice that they went missing..." Hybrid said. "Still, ah well. I'll just have to kill you now."

"Not if I do this!" Snuggly managed to loosen his grip on the man holding him to his left. He punched the one to the right, kicked the other one in the shin, and then pulled an elastic band from his pocket, and shot it at Hybrid.

He fell back, screaming, and fell into an automatic card shuffler. The other members that had come to play cards moaned at the sight, as Hybrid was split into two even sections.

"He always was a right pack to deal with." Snuggly said to himself.

The woman rushed to her feet. "Oh Snuggly... how foolish of me, but what do you expect, I'm only a woman, after all." The woman giggled, and offered Snuggly back to her place for a few hours of sex.

Snuggly placed the letter from the woman that was given to him in his jacket, and promptly forgot about it.

----------

LONDON - THREE DAYS LATER

----------

"Glad to hear that you've dealt with Hybrid, Snuggly!" Tony said, sitting behind his antique desk, smoking a pipe.

"In more ways than one." Loki said, opening the door and letting himself in.

"Ah, Loki, I've been meaning to thank you for that elastic band you gave me for that mission... came in handy."

"We're here to help you get the man Snuggly, don't you forget. The amount of times Loki Branch has saved your life, I'll never count. Did you manage to return the elastic band?"

"Well... yes, I was meaning to say..."

Loki sighed.

"Never mind that now, you two, sit down." Tony stood up, and waited for the two to sit. "Now, a small problem has arised in Venice... our payman there, Meka, he hasn't reported in for a few days."

"What was he sticking his nose in at the time?" Snuggly asked.

"We're not sure. The last time he radio contacted us, he told us that something big was going down at the 'Plumage Club'. It's a big nightclub, probably the best you can find in Venice."

"Does it have a casino?" Snuggly asked.

"Yes."

"Superb."

"So your assignment is this." Tony said, summing up the mission, and taking a puff from his pipe. "Go to Venice, visit where Meka was staying, find anything you can, and visit this 'Plumage Club' as well. Meka might still be alive, so please, work as fast as you can."

"You know me, sir." Snuggly stood up. "I'll leave immedietely."

"Not quite so fast..." Loki said, standing up to. "Come with me down to the Workshop, we've got a few gadgets for you to bring with you."

He's refusing to write because you spelt his name wrong.

Maybe.

I would, but I added the last installment. VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMON!

I would, but I'm feeling really sick at the moment.

Carry on the story someone!!!

"Oh crap." said Snuggly.

"Surely this means we're about to be confronted with crack troops who will beat us mercilessly and drag us to see the mysterious Goaboy who is never seen although he's already been seen." shrieked Meka. Like a girl.

Snuggly thought. Then he changed the lightbulb.

"All better."

Meka sighed. Then the lights went out.

"Oh crap."

Suddenly blows started to rain on them from every angle. This is in the metaphorical sense, you understand, not the real sense. Because that would be silly.

The lights went back on, and a group of ninjas were standing in front of them. Meka was cowering behind Snuggly, who was attempting to cower behind Meka. This made for quite an amusin scene that really requires the silver screen to show it to it's full potential. Really.

"Yous will be coming with us now!"" yelled one ninja.

"You really don't have to shout."said Snuggly.

"What are we going to do!" wailed Meka.

"First, I intend to fill my pants.....done. Now, I intend to fight."

Snuggly flipped to his feet and flicked his hands. A gun slid out of the sleeve.

"Good old Q Branch." cheered Meka.

"I thought it was Loki Branch?" asked Snuggly.

"Oh yeah. Some author made a mistake then. Back to Loki Branch then!"

"That author is a naughty author. Yes." muttered Snuggly. "So I had Loki in my boxers?"

"Let's never speak of this again." vowed Meka. "Watch out."

A ninja kicked Snuggly in the face. Snuggly fired his gun. A pathetic little sign came out saying POW! Snuggly groaned.

"I guess we're captured then?" asked Meka despondently.

"Not quite. I'm banking all my hopes on the love interest appearing and saving us."

"Um..Snuggly?" said Meka, pointing to the lead ninja. Snuggly looked.

"Oh, hello Ms Hump." said Snuggly. "Ah. Damn. Well, there's always the possibility that..."

"Oh shut up, Snuggly."

"Right you are."

Then Ivanna Hump knocked them out and carried them towards the lift. The lights went out.

"Someone fix that damn lightbulb." muttered Ivanna.

-------------------


Snuggly and Meka, still donning henchmen uniforms, entered Goatboy's hotel.

"Suggest we find the hotel vault", said Snuggly. "There's bound to be something of interest there.

Heading west from the reception hall, it quickly became apparent that neither had the slightest idea where the vault might be in relation to the reception. It wasn't long before they found themselves in the kitchens.

Various sharp implements draped from every wall, with steaming ovens and boiling oil precariously positioned in unstable locations. There were a handful of asian chefs working away, preparing dinner presumably, though each looked as though he could probably wield a meat cleaver like a well trained extra. The head chef was having a heated argument with a small man with a wiry moustache, whom Snuggly and Meka presumed was one of the waiters.

"Zere is no pasta!" Shouted the chef. "I cannot cook ze tróupe de salicá wizout ze pasta!"

"He wants the tróupe de salicá. He will be most unhappy if he does not get it. You know what he's like when he gets angry."

"Do you not underztand? Zere is none! C'est impossiblé!"

"Well, it was on the menu. I am not going to be the one to tell him he can't have it!"

"Well zen..." replied the head chef, turning his gaze towards Snuggly and Meka.

"You two! Go to the dining hall, and inform Mr Basillica that the tróupe de salicá is off, before I report you for abandoning your posts!"

Snuggly and Meka said nothing, and simply nodded and left the room, heading for the dining hall. Their sense of direction not being brilliant, they shortly found themselves in the hotel vault. The dim light from the main stairway wasn't even close to illuminating the corners of the room, which must have been a good fifty feet long, lined end to end with identical wooden boxes bound by rope.

"Hmm, security's pretty lax here" remarked Snuggly.

"Wow" said Meka. "What on earth have they got in here?"

"Only one way to find out" said Snuglly, fiddling with the zipper on his flies"

"Um Snuggly, what are you..."

Meka's voice trailed off as a sharp twang marked the release of a four inch blade from the groin of Snuggly's trousers.

"Q Branch special issue boxer shorts" replied Snuggly by way of explanation. He approached the nearest box, and began making pelvic thrusts in its direction to sever the rope. Within a few miniutes, he was finished.

"Are you always that quick?" Meka asked

Snuggly didn't reply. He was busy prising the lid from the box. Meka came over to offer some assistance, and within a few moments they had the lid off. They looked into the crate...

"Sun block?"
Meka sounded puzzled

"There must be over ten thousand bottles down here. What on earth does Goatboy want with ten thousand bottle of sunblock?"

Just then, the light went out...

"There goes pondering naivity out the window." Meka said.

Snuggly finished reading the latest addition to the story. "I don't the human life span can cover the amount of enemies we're going to have to do over. I feel pointlessly inequipped."

Snuggly read back a few posts to see where they had to go next.

"Ah right, so THAT'S why we're dressed as henchmen." He said aloud.

"I'm still wondering why the guns didn't fly to us when we used the magnet, you know."

"Perhaps the obvious mistake in writing could be used to make a fantastical sub-plot, Meka. After all, we know ALL metals fly to magnets in these sort of stories."

Meka looked blankly at Snuggly.

"Well." Snuggly took out the gun he had stolen from the half naked guard. "If they're not metal, what are they?"

He banged the gun against the side of the door, to hear a *dunk* sound.

"These guns are made from pure evil, I'm sure." Snuggly said. "Magnets don't attract evil."

"Or maybe it's plastic."

"Evil, plastic, same thing." Snuggly said. "What matters now is we read the story again, and find what else we should do."

Still unsure, Snuggly and Meka decided to explore the Santa Anna, and see what more stuff they could find. Like what all that scaffolding was for.

"I thought we'd established that? To build the giant underwater satallite dish."

"Don't talk to the author Meka."

Passing as moronic guards, they managed to climb their way further down into the metaphorical bowels of the ship, after climbing out of the quite literal bowels.

"That smelt worse than the day after your initiation in the staff loo." Meka said.

"Well, if you leave dead henchmen sitting on the toilet with their pants round their ankles as a joke, you should at least of thought they'd start rotting before expecting anyone to laugh."

Snuggly and Meka walked around some more, hoping, praying, that the current writer would find inspiration in the dying moments.

"I think we've explored just about the whole ship." Meka said.

"Apart from that room there. Odd we missed it all this time."

Opening the door, they found none other than Mystique, lying on her bed watching tv.

"Who are you?"

"We're spies." Meka said.

Snuggly starred at him.

"Crap. I'm not supposed to say that, am I? Must remember... must remember..."

"You're spies? Oh dear, hang on. Can you go out for a second?" Mystique asked.

They did so. They waited around, looked up at the low ceiling, and walked back in.

The bed was empty, and the tv was off. The bathroom light was on, so they walked in.

Mystique was in the bath. "Oh! Who are you?"

"Ah, that's more like it." Meka said.

"The name's Snuggly, First name Mr, last, Snuggly. This here is Dragon, Meka."

"Howdy."

"You must be the love interest, considering there are only about two women on the forums?" Snuggly asked.

"Maybe so. Quick, pass me something to put on."

Snuggly got up, picked up her pair of shoes, and gave them to her.

Meka, being the innocent fool, told Snuggly off for being so dull, and handed Mystique a towel.

"I'm suprised we've said so many words and we haven't made love yet." Snuggly said.

"Pardon?"

"Not you Meka."

"I wouldn't even try if I were you. If Goatboy was to find out, he'd have your heads cut off."

Meka winced, and then realised what she meant. He winced some more.

"Ah well." Snuggly said. "Is there anything you can tell us? A clue, something to make this post worthwhile?"

"No. Not really."

"Damn."

"Well..." Mystique said... "You do know that there's a great big lift in the centre of the sea here, that this ship goes to, and they pile all the stuff onto, and then it goes underwater, and stuff?"

"No, thanks. We'll keep that in mind for the next few scenes."

--------------------

Bitter and with a twisted ankle, Snuggly began to ponder over what the heck this story was all about.

Meka simply wondered what human flesh tasted like.

"I think it's about time we paid Mr Goatboy a quick visit, don't you?"

"Nice idea, but not possible."

"Hey?"

"Goatboy stays at the top of his hotel, never comes out, never talks, and is never seen."

"Then how did you see him, in the last post Grix wrote?"

"That was because he hadn't thought of that bit just then before."

"Right." Snuggly said. "In that case, I think it's about time we tried breaking into the top floor of his hotel, in an elaborate scene where a twist in the plot is revealed."

"Or maybe we find some more enemies. Who knows?" Meka said. Sarcastically.

Wookiee joined Stryke inside the pyramid after shutting the doorway, and took a slice of pizza. Stryke groaned, but he was much smaller than Wookiee and a bit of a geek to be honest, so he decided not to ask for it back.

"So, what do you want?" Stryke asked.

"To talk to you."

"Really," Stryke said, a matter-of-factly. No wonder this guy was only an evil henchmen.

"Yes, something about the underwater satellite dish. Dogboy's not sure if it will work, and he needs you to take a look."

"Humm...okay, I expect I can sort it out. Look, Goatboy needs this plan to work. He talked it over with a few of your buddies the other day, he wasn't very happy with the preperation you're making. But...the reward sounds high, so he's willing to go along with it."

"W.O.O.D", was a codename Goatboy liked to use for himself. No one knew why, although some associated it with his love for trees...of course he loved cutting them down more, but still.

Wookiee and Stryke made their way out of the pyramid. Or at least, they tried to. Wookiee had of course shot the doorway.

"You twonk, we'll never get out of here now!"

They were both blinded as yellow rays of light flashed into their eyes. The doorway opened, revealing Mouldy Cheese. Yes, a disgusting piece of mouldy cheese.

"How did a piece of cheese open the doorway?" Stryke asked, not really expecting a decent answer. He expected correctly.

You'll have to congratulate Grix for that one, I stole it from him.

Meka Dragon wrote:
The mustard gas kept being released at the wrong time, it was moist embarrassing." Replied Meka, feeling his own bum.

Apologies not to contribute (shall do that later) but I had to congratulate the best play on words I have seen for ages.

(moist, for those who don't have the foggiest what I am on about)