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This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
Page:
Stryke wrote:
> Grimsby? NOOO! I'll never go back!
*scribbles furiously*
Heh.
> Grimsby? NOOO! I'll never go back!
*scribbles furiously*
Heh.
More quality additions to the diary of me : )
Keep it up Gaz or I'll set the monkeys on ya!
Keep it up Gaz or I'll set the monkeys on ya!
Grimsby? NOOO! I'll never go back!
*scribbles furiously*
*scribbles furiously*
LOL!!!!!
This is great Gaz, keep it up or I shall damn you to Grimsby!!!
This is great Gaz, keep it up or I shall damn you to Grimsby!!!
January 11
Alcohol Units: 2 (Disappointing, must work harder)
Continued ignoring phase. Seems to still be working. E-mail from Mystique. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Read it. Aha! Success! Date for the 13th. Must forget unlucky significance.
Goatboy seems annoyed again, probably because I haven’t written his article. Must look for signs of him being gay.
Goatboy even more annoyed. Came to chat to me. I looked for limp wrists. None evident.
Goatboy severely annoyed. May lose job. Not good.
Thankfully still in job, but Goatboy very annoyed. Will have to review tonight and not go out on pub crawl with the lads. Damn.
January 12
Sobbing call from Rasta. His Gamecube refuses to work. Rasta believes it is sulking.
“ I’m getting withdrawal systems!” he wailed.
I put phone down.
To Do: Put Rasta in clinic with Mum. Ban Gamecube. Poss give PS2 to Rasta as healthy alternative.
January 13
Alcohol Units: 6
Date with Mystique. Looking forward to very much. Will not sleep with her just yet, if she can resist my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
January 14
Alcohol Units: 8
Well, she couldn’t resist my manly charms, and I couldn’t resist her feminine charms. Still, most satisfactory. Poss new bounce in step. So happy I buy PS2 for Rasta. Seems delighted. Apparently Gamecube has left him. I looked around and found it under the sofa. Showed it to him. Rasta pretends to ignore Gamecube, and makes big show of settling in the PS2.
Down pub with Grix and Rasta. Ant is obviously doing boyfriend stuff. Rasta has dumped Gamecube for PS2. Still seems pleased. Will observe.
January 15
Saw Mystique. Smiled. She smiled. Must mean love. Will not start planning wedding just yet. Will leave that until next week.
January 16
Alcohol Units: 7
Pub chat with Rasta and Ant. Rasta proclaims the PS2 was a fling and claims to be happily back with Gamecube. Poss Console Conflict Syndrone? Will put Grix on it, he has degrees and stuff. Am worried about Ant, seems to be losing interest in girlfriend. She has long legs, what is the problem?
Alcohol Units: 2 (Disappointing, must work harder)
Continued ignoring phase. Seems to still be working. E-mail from Mystique. Ignore, ignore, ignore… Read it. Aha! Success! Date for the 13th. Must forget unlucky significance.
Goatboy seems annoyed again, probably because I haven’t written his article. Must look for signs of him being gay.
Goatboy even more annoyed. Came to chat to me. I looked for limp wrists. None evident.
Goatboy severely annoyed. May lose job. Not good.
Thankfully still in job, but Goatboy very annoyed. Will have to review tonight and not go out on pub crawl with the lads. Damn.
January 12
Sobbing call from Rasta. His Gamecube refuses to work. Rasta believes it is sulking.
“ I’m getting withdrawal systems!” he wailed.
I put phone down.
To Do: Put Rasta in clinic with Mum. Ban Gamecube. Poss give PS2 to Rasta as healthy alternative.
January 13
Alcohol Units: 6
Date with Mystique. Looking forward to very much. Will not sleep with her just yet, if she can resist my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
January 14
Alcohol Units: 8
Well, she couldn’t resist my manly charms, and I couldn’t resist her feminine charms. Still, most satisfactory. Poss new bounce in step. So happy I buy PS2 for Rasta. Seems delighted. Apparently Gamecube has left him. I looked around and found it under the sofa. Showed it to him. Rasta pretends to ignore Gamecube, and makes big show of settling in the PS2.
Down pub with Grix and Rasta. Ant is obviously doing boyfriend stuff. Rasta has dumped Gamecube for PS2. Still seems pleased. Will observe.
January 15
Saw Mystique. Smiled. She smiled. Must mean love. Will not start planning wedding just yet. Will leave that until next week.
January 16
Alcohol Units: 7
Pub chat with Rasta and Ant. Rasta proclaims the PS2 was a fling and claims to be happily back with Gamecube. Poss Console Conflict Syndrone? Will put Grix on it, he has degrees and stuff. Am worried about Ant, seems to be losing interest in girlfriend. She has long legs, what is the problem?
:-D:-D:-D
This is great Gaz! Laughing all the way thorugh again!!!!
"Perhaps has proposed to Gamecube"
LOL!
This is great Gaz! Laughing all the way thorugh again!!!!
"Perhaps has proposed to Gamecube"
LOL!
January 7
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I’m so late!
Goatboy looks v. annoyed. Will tempt him with work.
Didn’t work, earned stiff rebuke. Will kill him soon.
Now I have to go to Ant’s birthday bash. Will be smug Ant with smug long legged girlfriend. Smug Grix with smug post grad students talking about stars. Rasta might turn up. Note: Send Gamecube Christmas card.
Rasta turned up. Seems to have had tiff with Gamecube. Has still brought it with him, though. Set up in lounge – disturb on pain of death. He has beer. I want beer. How long is a decent amount of time for a man and his Cube?
Rasta and Gamecube reunited. Seem happy enough. Might send joint Christmas card. I have beer. Grix is trying to set me up with old school friend – Iguana. She is nice enough, very opinionated. Will avoid in future.
January 8
Muahahaha. Mystique was definitely flirting today. Asked if I would consider taking her to one of these parties that make me so late. What to say? Must ring Rasta.
“ Sod off, I’m playing Galleon.”
Cancel Christmas card to Gamecube. Is stealing my friend and ruining my life. Ring Ant.
“ Fun her. Fun her lots.” Ant is sage of wisdom. Will take his advice. Note: Definitely not gay.
YES! Date with Mystique. Dinner at eight tomorrow. Will go and chat to Ant.
Shuzza…….very drun’….fudabuzz..
January 9
Alcohol Units (Don’t know, possibly 546)
KFC (2 Popcorn Chicken, Crispy Strips and a bucket. V.depressed, allowed)
Huzzah! Tonight is the night! Have to go to film premiere first and write stuff. See Iguana there. Ignore her completely. Good plan. I am master of suave. Will seduce Mystique with my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
Pop into a science lab to see Grix. Everyone looking intellectual. Run away.
Ring Mystique. She cancels, claiming meeting. World is at an end. Have lost everything. Go down to pub with Rasta, who seems happy. Maybe he has proposed to Gamecube. Wedding bells? Will ignore for now. Get plastered. Spend evening sitting outside flat with Grix and Rasta.
January 10
Will never drink again, head is definitely splitting apart. Turn up for work and ignore Mystique. Seems to work, she strokes my hair at one point. Goatboy looks disapproving poss gay? Will look into. Well, not look into. Keep well away and stare at Mystique while pretending to review Ali.
To Do: Buy food and beer
Christmas present for Rasta – Poss Gamecube game? Probably has all.
Not To Do: Stare at Mystique and phone her. Will pursue other woman.
Eat more cheese.
Have called Mum. Still thinks I am not a journalist.
To Do: Get clinic for Mum.
Have ignored Mystique for most of day. Goatboy has sent me a quote for next next article – “ I bend with the wind.” Def gay.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. I’m so late!
Goatboy looks v. annoyed. Will tempt him with work.
Didn’t work, earned stiff rebuke. Will kill him soon.
Now I have to go to Ant’s birthday bash. Will be smug Ant with smug long legged girlfriend. Smug Grix with smug post grad students talking about stars. Rasta might turn up. Note: Send Gamecube Christmas card.
Rasta turned up. Seems to have had tiff with Gamecube. Has still brought it with him, though. Set up in lounge – disturb on pain of death. He has beer. I want beer. How long is a decent amount of time for a man and his Cube?
Rasta and Gamecube reunited. Seem happy enough. Might send joint Christmas card. I have beer. Grix is trying to set me up with old school friend – Iguana. She is nice enough, very opinionated. Will avoid in future.
January 8
Muahahaha. Mystique was definitely flirting today. Asked if I would consider taking her to one of these parties that make me so late. What to say? Must ring Rasta.
“ Sod off, I’m playing Galleon.”
Cancel Christmas card to Gamecube. Is stealing my friend and ruining my life. Ring Ant.
“ Fun her. Fun her lots.” Ant is sage of wisdom. Will take his advice. Note: Definitely not gay.
YES! Date with Mystique. Dinner at eight tomorrow. Will go and chat to Ant.
Shuzza…….very drun’….fudabuzz..
January 9
Alcohol Units (Don’t know, possibly 546)
KFC (2 Popcorn Chicken, Crispy Strips and a bucket. V.depressed, allowed)
Huzzah! Tonight is the night! Have to go to film premiere first and write stuff. See Iguana there. Ignore her completely. Good plan. I am master of suave. Will seduce Mystique with my manly charms. Must shave sideburns.
Pop into a science lab to see Grix. Everyone looking intellectual. Run away.
Ring Mystique. She cancels, claiming meeting. World is at an end. Have lost everything. Go down to pub with Rasta, who seems happy. Maybe he has proposed to Gamecube. Wedding bells? Will ignore for now. Get plastered. Spend evening sitting outside flat with Grix and Rasta.
January 10
Will never drink again, head is definitely splitting apart. Turn up for work and ignore Mystique. Seems to work, she strokes my hair at one point. Goatboy looks disapproving poss gay? Will look into. Well, not look into. Keep well away and stare at Mystique while pretending to review Ali.
To Do: Buy food and beer
Christmas present for Rasta – Poss Gamecube game? Probably has all.
Not To Do: Stare at Mystique and phone her. Will pursue other woman.
Eat more cheese.
Have called Mum. Still thinks I am not a journalist.
To Do: Get clinic for Mum.
Have ignored Mystique for most of day. Goatboy has sent me a quote for next next article – “ I bend with the wind.” Def gay.
LOL!! That was great Stryle, highly amusing.
"Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punched. Ice helped." :D LOL!! CLASSIQUE!!
Keep 'em coming mate. {:)
"Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punched. Ice helped." :D LOL!! CLASSIQUE!!
Keep 'em coming mate. {:)
Heh :)
I read it, LOL
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