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This is going to be an ongoing story, so I'll update when I can be bothered. Guess which style it's written in ;-)
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
ALI BOY'S DIARY
Alcohol Units: 4 (v.bad, should be more)
Cigarettes: 0 (I don’t smoke, so this won’t be of any use)
Calories: (I’m not anally retentive enough to count these)
January 1
V.bad start to New Year. Woke up with strange woman in some heather. Poss have policeman’s helmet on, can’t remember. Reached home at 3pm, very hungover. Will start resolutions tomorrow. Must go round to Rasta’s later. Will bring beer. Splendid.
Beer was bad idea. Now have headache size of Spain. Rasta was smug with new girlfriend. Will call Ant, he is also sad and alone. Maybe will get more beer.
January 2
Alcohol Units: 20 (much better)
Must get back to work today. Will start resolutions today – no more late night drinking, reports in on time, less cheese and talk about monkeys. Not v. sure about last one, might ignore. Meeting up with Ant, Rasta and Grix later. Will chat job and girls. Must call Mum to say Happy Christmas – have delayed so far…
Calling Mum was bad idea. Asked about work.
“ Errr…fine.”
” What is it you do Alan?”
“ I am a journalist mum.”
“ Glad to hear it!”
Mum has small memory – have been journalist and film critic since ’98. Suggest clinic to Dad. Must pick up Ant in taxi and go to bar.
Had great time with lads. Drunk much beer. Slightly drunk. Make that very drunk. Will start resolutions tomorrow.
January 3
Alcohol Units: 5 (sigh)
Cigarettes: (I’ll take it up soon)
Back to work today. Have fit female boss. Never going to happen. Never mind, seeing Lord of the Rings today. Have put off so far due to being drunk since Christmas Eve. Bad plan. Must review soon.
Great film. Boss (called Mystique) praised my review. Called Ant to ask what to do.
“ Ignore her. Funning ignore her till she funning funs you.”
Sound advice from Ant. He is good mate, poss gay, not sure. Definitely camp. Make point to find out. Will see Ant with Rasta and Grix tonight.
Good time. Asked Ant if he was gay. Got punch. Ice helped.
January 4
Alcohol Units: 0 (I must be getting old)
Eye still hurts. Will call Ant later, apologise. Get into work late. Area boss Goatboy is angry. Never mind, will rise in career and laugh at him. At moment he laughs at me. Not good. Will exert revenge. He wants Magnolia Sky review. Bad film. Good review. Apparently am interviewing Tom Cruise later at Ritz. Um, must have good questions. V. important. How about “ How’s life when short?” No, v.bad, more intelligent. Am budding film critic with aspirations of Film Night.
Uh oh. Big problem. Asked Cruise how life was with Nicole. Big mistake, keep up to date on celeb goss. That is supposed to be Stryke’s area. Where is he?
January 5
Alcohol Units: 19 (Getting better)
I am losing touch with women and will die alone. Went to drink with Ant who has forgiven me. He is not gay, as his new girlfriend is at pains to point out. Embarrassment e.t.c. Grix and Rasta arrived later. Rasta has dumped girlfriend for Gamecube. Seems pleased. Leave it at that. Try to chat to fit girl at bar. Fail miserably. Am consoled by lager. Ant and Grix dump me at flat. V.cold and had lost keys. Was preparing for life as tramp and beggar when found keys in pocket.
January 6
Alcohol Units: 5 (Had to work on interview)
Have had good day. Boss Mystique invited me for interview and was poss. Flirting. Not sure. She definitely smiled at me. Am preparing for life as stud. In celebration wrote stunning review. Even Goatboy was almost pleased. Will kill him later. Stryke managed to get gossip to me today. Will not sack him till tomorrow then.
Someone else was sacked, I have new job as top film critic. Goatboy is obviously displeased. Will put laxatives in his tea. Mystique winks at me. Good sign.
Worked late to please Mystique, although she was in meeting. Will not take as bad sign.
Chatted to Grix at KFC. Grix is post graduate student at Oxford. My degree in Media looks pitiful. Will better self. Grix is worried about life. Got him drunk. He felt better. Am great life counsellor and superb friend, as well as career king. Must get girlfriend.
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I'm moving this to Life, if anyone's remotely interested. Huzzah!
LOL!
Lol.
At least with Rasta in Vegas he'll be able to teach his GBA's to walk :-D
Great stuff Stryke, never miss an episode ;-)
At least with Rasta in Vegas he'll be able to teach his GBA's to walk :-D
Great stuff Stryke, never miss an episode ;-)
Excellent, I have missed this. Thanks Gaz, brightened up what has been quite a pants day.
March 5
Vegas bores me already. I haven't found any all-American ho's, the toilets refuse to block matter how much partially digested faeces I anally-propell down them.
I'm leaving. I've lost Knockers though. I half-heartedly ask at the reception if she's in the lost property box.
"Have you got a big-breasted woman in there?"
"No."
"OK. Erm, do you have any condoms? I've run out."
"This isn't a shop, sir."
"Of course it isn't. Any Archers?"
"No, sir."
"Right, right, it's lost property. Have you got the keys to a car?"
"Yes sir. If you could tell me which car they are?"
"Erm, Ford Escort."
"No, sir."
"Damn."
"Could sir please leave? The queue is quite considerable."
"Yes, I've noticed that it's quite considerable."
I look at the girl. Well, to be honest, I look at her dirtypillows.
"I've also noticed your chest area is quite considerable. Particuarly the bit with breasts on. Fancy a quick one?"
"No, sir. Is there anything else you want from lost property?"
"Er, got a dinosaur?"
I get kicked out of the casino, along with pb and happy. Grix saunters out along with Ant after a while.
"Lost your girlfriend, AliBoy?"
"Yeah, seems like it."
"Never mind, place an insurance claim when you get home. Where shall we go next?" muttered pb.
"How about Wales? I want to see my homeland!" said Ant.
"You're not Welsh!"
"I could be."
"Ant, shut up. I know, let's go to Wales." said Grix.
"Stupid idea. I've got a better one. Let's go to Wales." suggested Happy.
"Great idea."
We get on Welsh Airlines. The airline meal is leeks with some more leeks washed down with coal.
"First Welsh person I meet, I'm going to kill him. With a leek. Up his arrs." I said. And I mean it.
The air hostess turns out to be Welsh.
March 6
I wake up in the crew section. The Welsh stewardess is beside me, naked. Excellent. So is a big burly Welsh bloke. This is not so good.
"Have we landed?" he asks.
"Yes, it appears we have."
"Bloody excellent boyo."
He hurls me from an emergency exit. Oh fuuuuuuuuucccccc....
Oh well, at least I got some sex. They took me home to Oxford to hospital for my broken ribs and strained penis. When I get home, I notice something's wrong. Grix is with me. Our eyes meet.
"Oh crap, we left Rasta in Vegas!"
Vegas bores me already. I haven't found any all-American ho's, the toilets refuse to block matter how much partially digested faeces I anally-propell down them.
I'm leaving. I've lost Knockers though. I half-heartedly ask at the reception if she's in the lost property box.
"Have you got a big-breasted woman in there?"
"No."
"OK. Erm, do you have any condoms? I've run out."
"This isn't a shop, sir."
"Of course it isn't. Any Archers?"
"No, sir."
"Right, right, it's lost property. Have you got the keys to a car?"
"Yes sir. If you could tell me which car they are?"
"Erm, Ford Escort."
"No, sir."
"Damn."
"Could sir please leave? The queue is quite considerable."
"Yes, I've noticed that it's quite considerable."
I look at the girl. Well, to be honest, I look at her dirtypillows.
"I've also noticed your chest area is quite considerable. Particuarly the bit with breasts on. Fancy a quick one?"
"No, sir. Is there anything else you want from lost property?"
"Er, got a dinosaur?"
I get kicked out of the casino, along with pb and happy. Grix saunters out along with Ant after a while.
"Lost your girlfriend, AliBoy?"
"Yeah, seems like it."
"Never mind, place an insurance claim when you get home. Where shall we go next?" muttered pb.
"How about Wales? I want to see my homeland!" said Ant.
"You're not Welsh!"
"I could be."
"Ant, shut up. I know, let's go to Wales." said Grix.
"Stupid idea. I've got a better one. Let's go to Wales." suggested Happy.
"Great idea."
We get on Welsh Airlines. The airline meal is leeks with some more leeks washed down with coal.
"First Welsh person I meet, I'm going to kill him. With a leek. Up his arrs." I said. And I mean it.
The air hostess turns out to be Welsh.
March 6
I wake up in the crew section. The Welsh stewardess is beside me, naked. Excellent. So is a big burly Welsh bloke. This is not so good.
"Have we landed?" he asks.
"Yes, it appears we have."
"Bloody excellent boyo."
He hurls me from an emergency exit. Oh fuuuuuuuuucccccc....
Oh well, at least I got some sex. They took me home to Oxford to hospital for my broken ribs and strained penis. When I get home, I notice something's wrong. Grix is with me. Our eyes meet.
"Oh crap, we left Rasta in Vegas!"
first time i have read any of them, very good stryke, when i am bored i will read through all the posts to catch up.
Ho ho ho, read through a lot of it again, I hate being bored. It still rocks. get more of this done Mr Welsh man. When you get on of course :-)
Bottle feeding the GBA's, LOL! :-D
Hehe. Funny stuff, Stryke.
What a name, knockers... :-D
Hehe. Funny stuff, Stryke.
What a name, knockers... :-D
Lol! Very good, Gaz :D
I had loads of work to hand in today at uni and It didn't go as well as I hoped. At least this helps make the day better. And It rules, very funny as usual.
I need more now.
Gonna watch star wars later to make things better. :-)
I need more now.
Gonna watch star wars later to make things better. :-)
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