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Some of these true stories are too hard to beleive its been said that these poor ffolk are unfit to live due to theire complete and utter stupidity.
(1999, Tokyo) The recent craze for
hydrogen beer is at the heart of a
three-way lawsuit between
unemployed stockbroker Toshira
Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar, and
the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr.
Otoma is suing the bar and the
brewery for selling toxic substances,
and is claiming damages for grievous
bodily harm leading to the loss of his
job. The bar is counter-suing for
defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews
"Suiso" brand beer, in which the
carbon dioxide normally used to add
fizz has been replaced by the more
environmentally friendly hydrogen gas.
Two side effects of the hydrogen gas
have made the beer extremely popular
at karaoke sing-along bars and
discotheques.
First, because hydrogen molecules are
lighter than air, sound waves are
transmitted more rapidly, so individuals
whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic
gas can speak with an
uncharacteristically high voice.
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic
urbanites can now sing soprano parts
on karaoke sing-along machines after
consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
Second, the flammable nature of
hydrogen has also become a selling
point, though it should be noted that
Asaka has not acknowledged that this
was a deliberate marketing ploy.
The beer has inspired a new fashion of
blowing flames from one's mouth using
a cigarette as an ignition source. Many
new karaoke videos feature singers
shooting blue flames in slow motion,
while flame contests take place in pubs
everywhere. "Mr. Otoma has no one to
blame but himself. If he had not
become drunk and disorderly, none of
this would have happened. Our
security guards undergo the most
careful screening and training before
they are allowed to deal with
customers," said Mr. Takashi Nomura,
Manager of the Tike-Take bar.
"Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of
hydrogen beer in order to maximize the
size of the flames he could belch
during the contest. He catapulted balls
of fire across the room that Godzilla
would be proud of, but this was not
enough to win him first prize since the
judgment is made on the quality of the
flames and the singing, and after fifteen
bottles of lager he was badly out of
tune."
"He took exception to the result and
hurled blue fireballs at the judge,
singeing the front of a female judge's
hair and entirely removing her
eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the
clothes of two nearby customers. None
of these people have returned to my
bar. When our security staff
approached Mr. Otoma, he turned his
attentions to them, making it almost
impossible to approach him. Our head
bouncer had no choice but to hurl
himself at Mr. Otoma's knees,
knocking his legs from under him."
"The laws of physics are not to be
disobeyed, and the force that propelled
Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also
pivoted around his center of gravity and
moved his upper body forward with
equal velocity. It was his own fault that
he had his mouth open for the next
belch, his own fault that he held a
lighted cigarette in front of it, and his
own fault that he swallowed that
cigarette."
"The Tike-Take bar takes no
responsibility for the subsequent
internal combustion, rupture of his
stomach lining, nor the third degree
burns to his esophagus, larynx and
sinuses as the exploding gases forced
their way out of his body. Mr. Otoma's
consequential muteness and loss of
employment are his own fault."
Mr. Otoma was unavailable for
comment
(1999, Tokyo) The recent craze for
hydrogen beer is at the heart of a
three-way lawsuit between
unemployed stockbroker Toshira
Otoma, the Tike-Take karaoke bar, and
the Asaka Beer Corporation. Mr.
Otoma is suing the bar and the
brewery for selling toxic substances,
and is claiming damages for grievous
bodily harm leading to the loss of his
job. The bar is counter-suing for
defamation and loss of customers.
The Asaka Beer corporation brews
"Suiso" brand beer, in which the
carbon dioxide normally used to add
fizz has been replaced by the more
environmentally friendly hydrogen gas.
Two side effects of the hydrogen gas
have made the beer extremely popular
at karaoke sing-along bars and
discotheques.
First, because hydrogen molecules are
lighter than air, sound waves are
transmitted more rapidly, so individuals
whose lungs are filled with the nontoxic
gas can speak with an
uncharacteristically high voice.
Exploiting this quirk of physics, chic
urbanites can now sing soprano parts
on karaoke sing-along machines after
consuming a big gulp of Suiso beer.
Second, the flammable nature of
hydrogen has also become a selling
point, though it should be noted that
Asaka has not acknowledged that this
was a deliberate marketing ploy.
The beer has inspired a new fashion of
blowing flames from one's mouth using
a cigarette as an ignition source. Many
new karaoke videos feature singers
shooting blue flames in slow motion,
while flame contests take place in pubs
everywhere. "Mr. Otoma has no one to
blame but himself. If he had not
become drunk and disorderly, none of
this would have happened. Our
security guards undergo the most
careful screening and training before
they are allowed to deal with
customers," said Mr. Takashi Nomura,
Manager of the Tike-Take bar.
"Mr. Otoma drank fifteen bottles of
hydrogen beer in order to maximize the
size of the flames he could belch
during the contest. He catapulted balls
of fire across the room that Godzilla
would be proud of, but this was not
enough to win him first prize since the
judgment is made on the quality of the
flames and the singing, and after fifteen
bottles of lager he was badly out of
tune."
"He took exception to the result and
hurled blue fireballs at the judge,
singeing the front of a female judge's
hair and entirely removing her
eyebrows and lashes, and ruining the
clothes of two nearby customers. None
of these people have returned to my
bar. When our security staff
approached Mr. Otoma, he turned his
attentions to them, making it almost
impossible to approach him. Our head
bouncer had no choice but to hurl
himself at Mr. Otoma's knees,
knocking his legs from under him."
"The laws of physics are not to be
disobeyed, and the force that propelled
Mr. Otoma's legs backwards also
pivoted around his center of gravity and
moved his upper body forward with
equal velocity. It was his own fault that
he had his mouth open for the next
belch, his own fault that he held a
lighted cigarette in front of it, and his
own fault that he swallowed that
cigarette."
"The Tike-Take bar takes no
responsibility for the subsequent
internal combustion, rupture of his
stomach lining, nor the third degree
burns to his esophagus, larynx and
sinuses as the exploding gases forced
their way out of his body. Mr. Otoma's
consequential muteness and loss of
employment are his own fault."
Mr. Otoma was unavailable for
comment
Page:
Mr.Snuggly wrote:
> cheatguru wrote:
> heres more dumb foreners.
Yeah, get Eurass
> back to Eurasia.
Arnt we at war with Eurasia? ...
Havnt we always been at war with Eurasia?
> cheatguru wrote:
> heres more dumb foreners.
Yeah, get Eurass
> back to Eurasia.
Arnt we at war with Eurasia? ...
Havnt we always been at war with Eurasia?
cheatguru wrote:
> heres more dumb foreners.
Yeah, get Eurass back to Eurasia.
> heres more dumb foreners.
Yeah, get Eurass back to Eurasia.
Hey cheatguru, by any chance do you have a book called "The Darwin Awards"? I'm asking this seeing as nearly every story in this topic is in the book and they are set out in a similar fashion.
Oh and by the way, the story about the exploding cow isn't actually true. It's an Urban Legend.
Here is a story from that book about an unlucky Scuba Diver:
1998, California
In California, wildfires are part of the natural cycle of the forest.
One day fire marshals found a corpse in a rural section while they were assessing the damage done by a recent forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in diving gear consisting of a recently melted wet suit, a dive tank, flippers and a face mask. Apparently the man had been participating in recreational diving fair recently.
A post-mortem examination attributed his death not to burns but to massive internal injuries. Salt water was also found in his stomach. Dental records provided a positive id of a man who had been reported missing a week before. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was soon discovered that, on the day of the fire, the deceased had set out on a diving trip in the Pacific Ocean. His third dive was 20 kilometres away from the location of a large brush fire, which was threatening the safety of a nearby town.
Fire-fighters had called in a fleet of helicopters to saturate the area with water. The helicopters towed large buckets, which were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the fire and emptied.
It was believed that the diver had been scooped up into one of these buckets. He experienced rapid decompression caused by the altitude change, suddenly followed by a plummet into burning trees.
Darkreaper
Oh and by the way, the story about the exploding cow isn't actually true. It's an Urban Legend.
Here is a story from that book about an unlucky Scuba Diver:
1998, California
In California, wildfires are part of the natural cycle of the forest.
One day fire marshals found a corpse in a rural section while they were assessing the damage done by a recent forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in diving gear consisting of a recently melted wet suit, a dive tank, flippers and a face mask. Apparently the man had been participating in recreational diving fair recently.
A post-mortem examination attributed his death not to burns but to massive internal injuries. Salt water was also found in his stomach. Dental records provided a positive id of a man who had been reported missing a week before. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was soon discovered that, on the day of the fire, the deceased had set out on a diving trip in the Pacific Ocean. His third dive was 20 kilometres away from the location of a large brush fire, which was threatening the safety of a nearby town.
Fire-fighters had called in a fleet of helicopters to saturate the area with water. The helicopters towed large buckets, which were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the fire and emptied.
It was believed that the diver had been scooped up into one of these buckets. He experienced rapid decompression caused by the altitude change, suddenly followed by a plummet into burning trees.
Darkreaper
no, the dog died confused and a wee bit injured
I like that one. Very good, sad the dog dies, but atleast he was happy.
stick yer teeth into this
notice its still americans
(California) A dairy
worker who heard that
bovine flatulence was
largely composed of
methane, and potentially
explosive, decided to
apply the scientific
method to the theory.
While one of his
contented cow charges
was hooked up to the
milking machine, he
waited for the slight tail lift
which dairy workers
know signals an
impending expulsion,
generally something to
avoid. Our hero struck a
match. His satisfaction at
seeing the resulting
foot-long blue flame
lasted mere seconds, before the flame was
subsumed by a rectal contraction. The poor
Holstein exploded, killing the worker who was
struck by a flying femur bone.
notice its still americans
(California) A dairy
worker who heard that
bovine flatulence was
largely composed of
methane, and potentially
explosive, decided to
apply the scientific
method to the theory.
While one of his
contented cow charges
was hooked up to the
milking machine, he
waited for the slight tail lift
which dairy workers
know signals an
impending expulsion,
generally something to
avoid. Our hero struck a
match. His satisfaction at
seeing the resulting
foot-long blue flame
lasted mere seconds, before the flame was
subsumed by a rectal contraction. The poor
Holstein exploded, killing the worker who was
struck by a flying femur bone.
heres more dumb foreners.
A fellow from Michigan buys himself a
brand-new $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for
Christmas. He goes down to his favorite bar and
celebrates by tossing down a few too many
brews with his buddies. In one of those
male-bonding rituals, five of them decide to take
his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting
expedition. They load up the Jeep with the dog,
the guns, the decoys, and the beer, and head
out to a nearby lake.
Now, it's the dead of winter, and of course the
lake is frozen, so they need to make a hole in the
ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks
and decoys. It is common practice in Michigan to
drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake, and it
is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole
in the ice using dynamite. Our fellows have
nothing to worry about on that score, because
one member of the party works for a
construction team, and happens to have brought
some dynamite along. The stick has a short
20-second fuse.
The group is ready for some action. They're all
set up. Their shotguns are loaded with duck
pellets, and they have beer, warm clothes and a
hunting dog. Still chugging down a seemingly
bottomless supply of six-packs, the group
considers how to safely dynamite a hole through
the ice. One of these rocket scientists points out
that the dynamite should explode at a location far
from where they are standing. Another notes the
risk of slipping on the ice when running away
from a burning fuse. So they eventually settle on
a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite
out onto the ice.
There is a bit of contention over who has the
best throwing arm, and eventually the owner of
the Jeep wins that honor. Once that question is
settled, he walks about 20 feet further out onto
the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the
ready while one of his companions lights the
fuse with a Zippo. As soon as he hears the fuse
sizzle, he hurls it across the ice at a great
velocity and runs in the other direction.
Unfortunately, a member of another species
spots his master's arm motions and comes to
an instinctive decision. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle,
the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: a
trained Black Labrador, born and bred for
retrieving, especially things thrown by his owner.
As soon as the stick leaves his hand, the dog
sprints across the ice, hell-bent on wrapping his
jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object.
Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at
the dog, trying to get him to stop chasing the
dynamite. Their cries fall on deaf ears. Before
you know it, the retriever is headed back to his
owner, proudly carrying the stick of dynamite
with the burning 20-second fuse. The group
continues to yell and wave their arms while the
happy dog trots towards them. In a desperate
act, its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his
own dog.
The gun is loaded with duck shot, and confuses
the dog more than it hurts him. Bewildered, he
continues towards his master, who shoots at
man's best friend again. Finally comprehending
that his owner has become insane, the dog runs
for cover with his tail between his legs. And the
nearest cover is right under the brand-new Jeep
Grand Cherokee.
Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits,
and sink to the bottom of the lake, leaving a large
ice hole in their wake. The stranded men stand
staring at the water with stupid looks on their
faces, and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain
the misadventure to his insurance company.
Needless to say, they determined that sinking a
vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is
not covered under their policy, and the owner is
still making $400 monthly payments on his
brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake.
A fellow from Michigan buys himself a
brand-new $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for
Christmas. He goes down to his favorite bar and
celebrates by tossing down a few too many
brews with his buddies. In one of those
male-bonding rituals, five of them decide to take
his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting
expedition. They load up the Jeep with the dog,
the guns, the decoys, and the beer, and head
out to a nearby lake.
Now, it's the dead of winter, and of course the
lake is frozen, so they need to make a hole in the
ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks
and decoys. It is common practice in Michigan to
drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake, and it
is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole
in the ice using dynamite. Our fellows have
nothing to worry about on that score, because
one member of the party works for a
construction team, and happens to have brought
some dynamite along. The stick has a short
20-second fuse.
The group is ready for some action. They're all
set up. Their shotguns are loaded with duck
pellets, and they have beer, warm clothes and a
hunting dog. Still chugging down a seemingly
bottomless supply of six-packs, the group
considers how to safely dynamite a hole through
the ice. One of these rocket scientists points out
that the dynamite should explode at a location far
from where they are standing. Another notes the
risk of slipping on the ice when running away
from a burning fuse. So they eventually settle on
a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite
out onto the ice.
There is a bit of contention over who has the
best throwing arm, and eventually the owner of
the Jeep wins that honor. Once that question is
settled, he walks about 20 feet further out onto
the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the
ready while one of his companions lights the
fuse with a Zippo. As soon as he hears the fuse
sizzle, he hurls it across the ice at a great
velocity and runs in the other direction.
Unfortunately, a member of another species
spots his master's arm motions and comes to
an instinctive decision. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle,
the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: a
trained Black Labrador, born and bred for
retrieving, especially things thrown by his owner.
As soon as the stick leaves his hand, the dog
sprints across the ice, hell-bent on wrapping his
jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object.
Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at
the dog, trying to get him to stop chasing the
dynamite. Their cries fall on deaf ears. Before
you know it, the retriever is headed back to his
owner, proudly carrying the stick of dynamite
with the burning 20-second fuse. The group
continues to yell and wave their arms while the
happy dog trots towards them. In a desperate
act, its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his
own dog.
The gun is loaded with duck shot, and confuses
the dog more than it hurts him. Bewildered, he
continues towards his master, who shoots at
man's best friend again. Finally comprehending
that his owner has become insane, the dog runs
for cover with his tail between his legs. And the
nearest cover is right under the brand-new Jeep
Grand Cherokee.
Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits,
and sink to the bottom of the lake, leaving a large
ice hole in their wake. The stranded men stand
staring at the water with stupid looks on their
faces, and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain
the misadventure to his insurance company.
Needless to say, they determined that sinking a
vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is
not covered under their policy, and the owner is
still making $400 monthly payments on his
brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake.
yep americans are thick
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Page: