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"A Goodbye"

This isn’t some craftily worded little parody or a creative piece of writing, I’m actually leaving the forums. I know lately I’ve been the malignant little tumour and done nothing of much use around here except be ‘controversial’ and annoy people – for this I am sorry. Lately I haven’t been pleasant to be around at all. Truth be told I’m depressed – not in a trendy gothic way, in a real haunting way. There’s not much in my life that makes me happy, in fact I’m struggling to find a simple example.

Nothing is wrong with my life, I think I’m just sick of the same routine. Wake up, go to school, learn, homework, essays. My plan is to gain perspective. See life from a different side, change parts of my life that I’m not happy with, and it somehow seems wasteful posting on an Internet forum when I should be learning life skills and stuff that I really know nothing about.

I’ve gone on and on about wanting to be a writer but I don’t think that will make me happy. This kind of messes up my future plans because my university plans are all set – however I’m starting to realise that perhaps this isn’t all that important to have a plan, I’m just going to take things as they come – try and enjoy life for once. Enjoying life is something I haven’t done for quite some time now. I know I’m not a particularly pleasant person but I’m going to try and get my piece of enjoyment from life. Maybe it’s something we’re all entitled to.

I’ve basically come to realise that I’m a very unbalanced person – either I’ll be happy or depressed – there’s no real equilibrium for me. I finally admitted my situation to a ‘real’ person, my mum. I told her everything about how I am unhappy with life, that I’m a confused little boy with no real plans or ideas and that I am pretty much depressed to the point of considering killing myself. She’s going to take my to the doctors, she thinks they can help me with medicine or something. Maybe balance me out somehow. I always knew I was unbalanced and that I wasn’t like other people but I didn’t know I was this bad. Since I’ve told my mum my family have treated me like I’m seriously ill, telling me I can “talk to them about anything” and they “just want to do what’s best for me”

I hope I don’t end up in a ward in a straightjacket eating all my meals through straws because I’m not allowed near cutlery. I don’t think I’d like that.

So, is this goodbye forever? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I need to sort my life out and that involved changing aspects of my life – and sitting at a computer nearly every night isn’t such a great achievement. The way I’ve been going lately I’ve been looking at a banning anyway and I doubt I’d have returned if that happened, again. So whilst I’m not banned here’s my little farewell. I’ve made something of a big deal about it – to be perfectly honest because it is a big deal for me. These forums have been a part of my life for nigh on 4 years and up-and-leaving isn’t the easiest thing in the world.

For the times I have had I am grateful. I remember fondly the early days – the spoofs and the constant parodies of stuff. I remember gaining an interest in writing due to the stuff I’ve seen here, something which has probably changed my means of self expression forever. I’ve talked to people here with fantastic outlooks on life, then again I’ve talked to some utter idiots.

I don’t know what my standing in the popularity stakes is at the moment, nor do I really care any more. Craving acceptance from Internet people is no longer on my agenda. I hope, however, that as I leave it is a fond farewell and not a good riddance.

A few of you are still on my msn list and when I am online (which will not be as much) I will gladly chat to you. I’m not trying to sever links I’ve made, just to change my life and be happy.

I’ll leave you with a quote that has offered me a reasonable level of comfort over the years.

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know”
- Ernest Hemmingway

Shame to see you go, even for a while, but all the best Kyz.

A problem, here comes a problem
When you let down your friends
When you let down the people
When you let down yourself
Oh, and only fools, vultures and undertakers
Will have any time for you
Oh

A problem, here comes a problem
When you lie to your friends
And you lie to your people
And you lie to yourself
And the truth's too harsh to comprehend
You just pretend there isn't a problem

I am a pimp and a slave
And in my bed you dig my bad
I dig my grave
And the truth's too harsh to comprehend
You just pretend there isn't a problem

No no, I ain't got a problem
It's you with the problem

I don't think that I have spoken to you much on here but good luck mate!
Paradox what's your msn?

Seeya, mate. All the best.

Dependency is one thing, definitely, but I wouldn't advise closing your mind to them.

To be honest, they probably won't even affect you, other than in negative side-affects. But as I said, it'd certainly help you realise you have little other choice than to pick yourself up etc, because there's without a doubt no easy way out, not even pills.

I'm not convinced about the pills, I dont want to be repressed emotionally or go for some form of escapism. I mean, I'd be happy if I was drunk/stoned a lot of the time, but I dont want chemical happiness. I want the real thing.

It's like masturbation versus sex.

Yeah, but it's better experience to have that knowledge set in stone, than to think there's always the possiblity, put pressure on the idea, and maybe eventually develop some sort of psychological problem because of it.

I'm smart, me.

Bye then. Don't take the pills - the problems will still be there when you stop.

Bye. Good luck with everything and don't kill yourself or anything.

Take all the time you need, but if you're going to start trying to cope with depression, I wouldn't start cutting things out of your life. Moderation is never bad, but you've nothing to really lose or gain by posting here, except as a small outlet.

It takes a lot of strength to realise you have a problem that you need to deal with. It may be a problem that you'll never solve, that you'll have to struggle with for the rest of your life - and if that is so, then don't push too much away. Life doesn't one day turn around and shine in your face, it's really about making the best of what you have.

Good luck with the pills anyway, and I'd really advise keeping an eye on the side affects, and avoid something called 'Cipromil'. If anything, they'll kick you even harder into making sure you don't have to be on pills to survive. :)

See you around Inconsistent One