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"Van Helsing"

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Mon 10/05/04 at 00:30
Regular
"TheShiznit.co.uk"
Posts: 6,592
Muuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Worst film I've seen in ages.

"I'm Hugh Jackman, and I can't remember my past! What an original concept for you to get your heads around!"
"I'm a CGI beast and pose almost no threat!"
[CGI beast dies]
"I'm Kate Beckinsale and I have a terrible accent. I love you already, Van Helsing. Sorry, Van Haaalssing."
"No time for romance, I've got to fend off this CGI dog and a big gay man pretending to be Dracula!"
"Mwahahahaaa! I am Dracula! Watch as I make the most sinister character ever created look like a member of the Gypsy Kings!"
"We're Dracula's brides, can't act and are annoying"
"I'm Faramir, and I've wandered into the wrong movie. Oh well, how about I do some slapstick and you let me go back to Peter Jackson. No?"
"I'm Frankenstein's Monster. I'm saaad and want out of this movie."
"I'm the Wolfman and serve no real purpose, other than to be CG."
"Quiet, you distracting monsters. I must kill Dracula because he keeps trying to have kids with his annoying wives, and then they'll have really annoying children which will also have really bad accents. Watch as I act out scenes as a third-rate Indiana Jones, with my girlish locks and rubbish hat! Die Dracula, die in a really underwhelming and computer-generated way!"
[lots of other CGI beasts die, along with the entire film-loving community's hopes for a decent monster movie]
"Come Faramir, let us ride into the sunset, towards the inevitable sequel and action figures!"
Mon 10/05/04 at 10:20
Regular
"Wants Spymate on dv"
Posts: 3,025
I think people may have missed the point with this one.
It's a cheesy summer blockbuster isn't it, which means action and CGI over a decent script.

Of course it doesn't have deeply emotional characters, clever plot or stuff like that, it's a movie sold purely on it's action and special effects.
Mon 10/05/04 at 09:26
Regular
"Profit of Doom"
Posts: 1,881
Went to see it last-night.
Wasted £5.60.
Thought it nicked a lot of ideas from Blade, not to mention the fact that it completely sucked.
Mon 10/05/04 at 01:36
Regular
Posts: 16,558
Rikimaru Dark wrote:
> I think no C.G.I fight is memorable exept for the first matrix. Though
> get a couple of swords and have a fight doing it tastefully and not
> mindless slashing and it makes a great fight scene.

Erm LOTR?
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:54
Regular
"Aimar...meh"
Posts: 2,150
Yeah haha Real1's description.

"Van Helsing" is a monster mash of pure popcom fun.
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:50
Regular
"Monochromatic"
Posts: 18,487
Rikimaru Dark wrote:
> I think no C.G.I fight is memorable exept for the first matrix. Though
> get a couple of swords and have a fight doing it tastefully and not
> mindless slashing and it makes a great fight scene.

I think it only works when it's used in very quick sequences, when you can see it in detail it ruins the film because you know the actors are just bluescreening it, it's the equivalent of matthew corbett talking to sooty, sometimes you need feel things are actually there.
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:44
Regular
"Aimar...meh"
Posts: 2,150
I think no C.G.I fight is memorable exept for the first matrix. Though get a couple of swords and have a fight doing it tastefully and not mindless slashing and it makes a great fight scene.
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:40
Regular
"Monochromatic"
Posts: 18,487
Yep youve just confirmed what i believed, i thought it looked crap and now i've been told it is, it's criminal that they can take part of another story and turn it into a spinoff.
I hate C.G.I.
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:36
Regular
"Aimar...meh"
Posts: 2,150
*Reads first 2 lines* Heh heh knew it. ;)
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:36
Regular
"Aimar...meh"
Posts: 2,150
I didn't even read your review. Not because I know it will suck which I know I do :P but because I can never see these sort of things working and at best this film can be average.
Mon 10/05/04 at 00:30
Regular
"TheShiznit.co.uk"
Posts: 6,592
Muuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Worst film I've seen in ages.

"I'm Hugh Jackman, and I can't remember my past! What an original concept for you to get your heads around!"
"I'm a CGI beast and pose almost no threat!"
[CGI beast dies]
"I'm Kate Beckinsale and I have a terrible accent. I love you already, Van Helsing. Sorry, Van Haaalssing."
"No time for romance, I've got to fend off this CGI dog and a big gay man pretending to be Dracula!"
"Mwahahahaaa! I am Dracula! Watch as I make the most sinister character ever created look like a member of the Gypsy Kings!"
"We're Dracula's brides, can't act and are annoying"
"I'm Faramir, and I've wandered into the wrong movie. Oh well, how about I do some slapstick and you let me go back to Peter Jackson. No?"
"I'm Frankenstein's Monster. I'm saaad and want out of this movie."
"I'm the Wolfman and serve no real purpose, other than to be CG."
"Quiet, you distracting monsters. I must kill Dracula because he keeps trying to have kids with his annoying wives, and then they'll have really annoying children which will also have really bad accents. Watch as I act out scenes as a third-rate Indiana Jones, with my girlish locks and rubbish hat! Die Dracula, die in a really underwhelming and computer-generated way!"
[lots of other CGI beasts die, along with the entire film-loving community's hopes for a decent monster movie]
"Come Faramir, let us ride into the sunset, towards the inevitable sequel and action figures!"

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