Viewing Thread:
"Van Helsing"

Muuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Worst film I've seen in ages.

"I'm Hugh Jackman, and I can't remember my past! What an original concept for you to get your heads around!"
"I'm a CGI beast and pose almost no threat!"
[CGI beast dies]
"I'm Kate Beckinsale and I have a terrible accent. I love you already, Van Helsing. Sorry, Van Haaalssing."
"No time for romance, I've got to fend off this CGI dog and a big gay man pretending to be Dracula!"
"Mwahahahaaa! I am Dracula! Watch as I make the most sinister character ever created look like a member of the Gypsy Kings!"
"We're Dracula's brides, can't act and are annoying"
"I'm Faramir, and I've wandered into the wrong movie. Oh well, how about I do some slapstick and you let me go back to Peter Jackson. No?"
"I'm Frankenstein's Monster. I'm saaad and want out of this movie."
"I'm the Wolfman and serve no real purpose, other than to be CG."
"Quiet, you distracting monsters. I must kill Dracula because he keeps trying to have kids with his annoying wives, and then they'll have really annoying children which will also have really bad accents. Watch as I act out scenes as a third-rate Indiana Jones, with my girlish locks and rubbish hat! Die Dracula, die in a really underwhelming and computer-generated way!"
[lots of other CGI beasts die, along with the entire film-loving community's hopes for a decent monster movie]
"Come Faramir, let us ride into the sunset, towards the inevitable sequel and action figures!"

Kilgore Trout wrote:
> I think we should be questioning the validity of your reasons for
> seeing it in the first place.
>
> And who are you trying to attract with your tagline?


Pipe 2 Pipe Bushman...

he he he i think there is something slightly wrong with that...

I think we should be questioning the validity of your reasons for seeing it in the first place.

And who are you trying to attract with your tagline?

DiscoDexy wrote:
> I'm going to have to disagree, I saw Van Helsing Yesterday Night, and
> I was not disappointed one bit. Every Actor fitted every character
> like a glove. The new improved Dracula was excellent, and had a great
> part in this film. Van Helsings Past doesn’t really matter, and the
> past can be revealed in a possible sequel. I don't want to learn
> about his past - the film was long enough without a History lesson.
>
> No expense was spared in making this film, its defiantly a must see.
> Fan of Hugh Jackman, or not this film warrants your fiver - I only
> hope that the genius behind this film (and the Mummy films) makes a
> sequel.
>
> With all the classic monsters including Dracula, Wolfman, and Dr.
> Frankenstein’s Monster rolled into one, only a fool would miss this
> action packed film, filled with an eye candy centre, and superb audio
> effects as the cheery on the Cake.
>
> Go and see it, you won’t be let down.
>
> [I]And remember, Frankenstein was the name of the creator, not the
> monster.


Are you Paul Ross?

DiscoDexy wrote:
> Every Actor fitted every character like a glove.

They have to be if they're getting millions for it.. :p

I'm going to have to disagree, I saw Van Helsing Yesterday Night, and I was not disappointed one bit. Every Actor fitted every character like a glove. The new improved Dracula was excellent, and had a great part in this film. Van Helsings Past doesn’t really matter, and the past can be revealed in a possible sequel. I don't want to learn about his past - the film was long enough without a History lesson.

No expense was spared in making this film, its defiantly a must see. Fan of Hugh Jackman, or not this film warrants your fiver - I only hope that the genius behind this film (and the Mummy films) makes a sequel.

With all the classic monsters including Dracula, Wolfman, and Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster rolled into one, only a fool would miss this action packed film, filled with an eye candy centre, and superb audio effects as the cheery on the Cake.

Go and see it, you won’t be let down.

[I]And remember, Frankenstein was the name of the creator, not the monster.

Mr Snuggly wrote:
> Azul wrote:
> Stop ripping off Goatboy's reviewing method.
>
> Goatboy didn't invent sarcasm, silly.
****

No, but your review did reek of Goat. It's like he's your Yoda anyways. So..Use the Force Snuggly.

I've been praying to a false God all this time?!
Gah, now I'll be compared to FF.

Ho ho

Azul wrote:
> Stop ripping off Goatboy's reviewing method.

Goatboy didn't invent sarcasm, silly.

Stop ripping off Goatboy's reviewing method.
Although you ripped it off nicely, I'll admit.

And heh, I had a funny feeling you'd rip it to shreds.
It does, infact, look utter toss.

How can a man who wrote The Scorpion King create a bad movie with rubbish CGI? It really doesn't make any sense.