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"Van Helsing"

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Mon 10/05/04 at 00:30
Regular
"TheShiznit.co.uk"
Posts: 6,592
Muuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Worst film I've seen in ages.

"I'm Hugh Jackman, and I can't remember my past! What an original concept for you to get your heads around!"
"I'm a CGI beast and pose almost no threat!"
[CGI beast dies]
"I'm Kate Beckinsale and I have a terrible accent. I love you already, Van Helsing. Sorry, Van Haaalssing."
"No time for romance, I've got to fend off this CGI dog and a big gay man pretending to be Dracula!"
"Mwahahahaaa! I am Dracula! Watch as I make the most sinister character ever created look like a member of the Gypsy Kings!"
"We're Dracula's brides, can't act and are annoying"
"I'm Faramir, and I've wandered into the wrong movie. Oh well, how about I do some slapstick and you let me go back to Peter Jackson. No?"
"I'm Frankenstein's Monster. I'm saaad and want out of this movie."
"I'm the Wolfman and serve no real purpose, other than to be CG."
"Quiet, you distracting monsters. I must kill Dracula because he keeps trying to have kids with his annoying wives, and then they'll have really annoying children which will also have really bad accents. Watch as I act out scenes as a third-rate Indiana Jones, with my girlish locks and rubbish hat! Die Dracula, die in a really underwhelming and computer-generated way!"
[lots of other CGI beasts die, along with the entire film-loving community's hopes for a decent monster movie]
"Come Faramir, let us ride into the sunset, towards the inevitable sequel and action figures!"
Wed 02/06/04 at 20:46
Regular
"not dead"
Posts: 11,145
I know, I know, I read this review weeks ago, but last nigfht I went and saw it anyway. I thought that it couldn't really be that bad, could it? But Jesus, it was.

What I hated about the movie:

Van Helsing's stupid Friar assistant. Bad character, awful voice, stupid James Bond-esque Q-type inventions scene.

The brides. They sucked, but not in the way vampires should. They looked crap when CG, but when the actresses got to do some work, they were worse! They kept attempting "sexy vampire poses", but ended up looking like they had severe spinal problems. They couldn't act at all, delivered their lines as if they were a bunch of three year olds in a school play, and their attempted accents were laughable.

The story. Dracula is trying to bring a bunch of crappy babies to life. Read that back, it's a bad concept.

Van Helsing gets turned into a werewolf. Doesn't that negate the entire mythology of Van Helsing? Isn't he supposed to be a double-hard basturk that could sort anythign out? Hell, if they wanted to claim that only a werewolf could kill Dracula, they should have had him tear off a werewolf's hand, and use that, rather than only being able to win because he has gained evil power.

Frankenstein's Monster. He was almost as bad as the one in Frankenstein Unbound. Not quite, but almost. Plus he looked a bit like Fred Elliot from Coronation Street.

The casting was poor throughout - Jackman was alright with the material he had, but I couldn't agree with any of the other casting decisions, especially Dracula. If they couldn't get actors that could do the Transylvanian accent, why not simply leave it out altogether - after all, it's unrealistic to think that in Transylvania they speak English with a funny twang, rather than their own tongue - drop accents all together to make it more acceptable.

Really though, how anyone can screw up a movie given the characters involved - that's pathetic. Trying to combine them all was stupid, and would have been better if so much wasn't crammed in in such a sucky way.

Worst film I've seen at the cinema since Lost in Space.
Sat 15/05/04 at 16:26
Regular
"This one goes to 11"
Posts: 1,212
Just to be different, i saw it last night and actually thought it was alright. True, the plot was laughable and there was way to much CGI, but overall i liked it, some of the effects were really well done.
Thu 13/05/04 at 23:33
Regular
"They Call Her 1 Eye"
Posts: 2,765
phuzzy wrote:
> Cub!st wrote:
> I saw this film tonight and thought it was utter gash.
>
> Heh, and how many times did you watch the trailer and desperately
> want to see it :P

Lost count :S
Thu 13/05/04 at 22:05
Regular
"previously phuzzy."
Posts: 3,487
Cub!st wrote:
> I saw this film tonight and thought it was utter gash.

Heh, and how many times did you watch the trailer and desperately want to see it :P
Thu 13/05/04 at 10:56
Regular
"Touched!"
Posts: 4,910
I saw this last sunday and although some of the action was ok the plot was dire, it felt repeated in places and the CGI was terrible especially in the first few scenes, a disappointing film with rare decent moments.
Wed 12/05/04 at 13:43
Regular
"Lisan al-Gaib"
Posts: 7,093
Light wrote:
> Am I to understand that we're busy complaining that someone didn't
> stick to a set of made up rules about made up creatures that...well,
> don't exist?

Me personally? No, I couldn't give a damn. "Ginger Snaps" for example used lycanthropy as a metaphor for budding female sexuality.

Damn good fun it was too.

and you *know* how much I enjoy the Hellblazer / Swamp Thing interpretations of said myths
Wed 12/05/04 at 13:34
Regular
"Wanking Mong"
Posts: 4,884
Hold up a moment here;

Am I to understand that we're busy complaining that someone didn't stick to a set of made up rules about made up creatures that...well, don't exist?
Wed 12/05/04 at 07:50
Regular
"Lisan al-Gaib"
Posts: 7,093
Cub!st wrote:
> I saw this film tonight and thought it was utter gash. I just wanted
> to ask if I was being stupid or not but it is my understanding that
> Werewolves only turn into werewolves 3 nights a month.

Somehow, I don't think adherence to the supernatural myths were number one on the filmmakers “to do” list. :) ;) :) ;)

Doesn’t “Underworld” play fast and loose with the rules too? I.e. With a hybrid lycanthrope / vampire?
Wed 12/05/04 at 00:00
Regular
"They Call Her 1 Eye"
Posts: 2,765
I saw this film tonight and thought it was utter gash. I just wanted to ask if I was being stupid or not but it is my understanding that Werewolves only turn into werewolves 3 nights a month. The day of, before and after the full moon. However, when watching Van Helsing I noticed that when Kate Beckinsale's character's brother was a werewolve, it was a full moon outside. THat meant there was only one day of transforming left. However, a few days later he scratches Van Helsing and I'm POSITIVE a month wasn't supposed to have past between that time and when Van Helsing turned into a werewolve. In fact they even said "the full moon is in 2 days". I think that counts as a pretty big mistake if I'm right no?
Tue 11/05/04 at 12:51
"Majestic"
Posts: 1,625
The sagacious one wrote:
> Problem is you can't judge a film until you've seen it and if I
> believed what people say about some films, like the Hulk, I'd have
> missed out. The problem is that most people are stupid.

Before you all judge Van Helsing, see it first :)
I saw it, i enjoyed it.
Snuggly saw it, he did'nt like it.

end of.

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