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My essay on Jesus.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
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Rob Zombie Haunted House Blair Witch Knife on a Stick Magic-Blaine The Gitwizard Trump Card Bonananza "Hows about that then?" Smashy and Nicey Polevaulting Jesus Army.
That's the one!
Hopefully they sacrifice small animals in sunless groves...
Hopefully they sacrifice small animals in sunless groves...
Pure class.
It caused me to laugh a lot.
It caused me to laugh a lot.
Goatboy, it's like you knew jesus personally!
or is that jebus?
or is that jebus?
heh
I hope you burn in hell for this. Along with that David Blaine bloke too. Nobody can live longer without food than Jesus. Nobody. Except Sea Monkeys.
David blaine should be publicly chinned by a man with a swollen fist
Goatboy wrote:
> Yes, there is talk of Magic-Jesus. As there is talk of zombie
> disciples and benches.
>
> (obviously) Wrongly, I assumed that people were familiar with the
> Gospel of Thomas, Nag Hammed and Gnosticism. Also a play on the
> "Doubting Thomas" aspect of biblical history.
Haven't the Catholic church kept the Gospel of Thomas from the masses as it promotes Gnosticism? Thus if there was no reason to go to church, confess and crucially give money and land to the Church, Christain faiths would be undermined.
> Yes, there is talk of Magic-Jesus. As there is talk of zombie
> disciples and benches.
>
> (obviously) Wrongly, I assumed that people were familiar with the
> Gospel of Thomas, Nag Hammed and Gnosticism. Also a play on the
> "Doubting Thomas" aspect of biblical history.
Haven't the Catholic church kept the Gospel of Thomas from the masses as it promotes Gnosticism? Thus if there was no reason to go to church, confess and crucially give money and land to the Church, Christain faiths would be undermined.
Yup.
The Gospel of Thomas basically:
"The Kingdom of God is spread out upon the earth now, if people can just come to see it; and that there is divine light within all people, a light that can enable them to see the Kingdom of God upon the earth.
Further, the perspective of Thomas is that the Image of God in the beginning (Genesis chapter One) still exists and people can assume that identity, an identity that is neither male nor female."
Naturally all factions of Christianity/Catholicism refuse to ratify this gospel and refuse to release it to the public.
It basically undermines the basic principles of organised religion and would negate tithes, donations, massive churches and the power that they weild over state and country.
The Gospel of Thomas basically:
"The Kingdom of God is spread out upon the earth now, if people can just come to see it; and that there is divine light within all people, a light that can enable them to see the Kingdom of God upon the earth.
Further, the perspective of Thomas is that the Image of God in the beginning (Genesis chapter One) still exists and people can assume that identity, an identity that is neither male nor female."
Naturally all factions of Christianity/Catholicism refuse to ratify this gospel and refuse to release it to the public.
It basically undermines the basic principles of organised religion and would negate tithes, donations, massive churches and the power that they weild over state and country.
Hence in my original post:
"There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it."
-----
Like I said, you thought it was just nonsensical ramblings and a retard story about Magic-Jesus and his zombie followers.
Zombies...thoughtless mindless automatons simply operating on instinct and electrical impulses with one purpose, the destruction of mankind....
See, you read my post and thought it was a humorous story about Jesus.
But if you know your Judeo-Christian lore, then you'd realise it was, in fact, a scathing attack on organised religion and those that blindly follow without questioning.
Magic-Jesus - A conjurer, a magician, a con-man
Zombie Mates - Mindless accomplices
Thomas - Gnosticism
It's not, despite initial reading, the bored musings of a soon-to-leave office drone. Well, it *is* but with some hidden brains.
Now I'm going for a wee wee.
"There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it."
-----
Like I said, you thought it was just nonsensical ramblings and a retard story about Magic-Jesus and his zombie followers.
Zombies...thoughtless mindless automatons simply operating on instinct and electrical impulses with one purpose, the destruction of mankind....
See, you read my post and thought it was a humorous story about Jesus.
But if you know your Judeo-Christian lore, then you'd realise it was, in fact, a scathing attack on organised religion and those that blindly follow without questioning.
Magic-Jesus - A conjurer, a magician, a con-man
Zombie Mates - Mindless accomplices
Thomas - Gnosticism
It's not, despite initial reading, the bored musings of a soon-to-leave office drone. Well, it *is* but with some hidden brains.
Now I'm going for a wee wee.
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