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My essay on Jesus.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
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Beautifully put. Religion always confused me before but everything is so clear to me now.
I like the part with the Zombies.
You forgot the bit where Jesus stands on top of a pole in New York for a few days.
Goatboy wrote:
> The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in
> the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a
> Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus
> because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of
> divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and
> suffering".
> The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a
> pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
----
http://home.epix.net/~miser17/faq.html
Honestly...pearls before swine...go on admit it, you just thought this was a bored office worker passing time with a halfassed history of Magic-Jesus didn't you?
> The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in
> the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a
> Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus
> because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of
> divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and
> suffering".
> The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a
> pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
----
http://home.epix.net/~miser17/faq.html
Honestly...pearls before swine...go on admit it, you just thought this was a bored office worker passing time with a halfassed history of Magic-Jesus didn't you?
"Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before"
Yes, there is talk of Magic-Jesus. As there is talk of zombie disciples and benches.
(obviously) Wrongly, I assumed that people were familiar with the Gospel of Thomas, Nag Hammed and Gnosticism. Also a play on the "Doubting Thomas" aspect of biblical history.
*shakes head*
Sorry, I shall stick to amusing spoofs of movies and books.
(obviously) Wrongly, I assumed that people were familiar with the Gospel of Thomas, Nag Hammed and Gnosticism. Also a play on the "Doubting Thomas" aspect of biblical history.
*shakes head*
Sorry, I shall stick to amusing spoofs of movies and books.
I wanted to put a little laugh, but writing "hee hee" or "har har" or "ha ha" sounds proper namby-pamby.
Ah, my bad then. Sorry!
....I'm so goddamn bored you wouldn't believe it.
Tomorrow is my last day here, so expect lots and lots of this rubbish throughout the day.
I warn you.
....I'm so goddamn bored you wouldn't believe it.
Tomorrow is my last day here, so expect lots and lots of this rubbish throughout the day.
I warn you.
You've lost me completely. Good luck with the new career move. I'm off to join the Jesus Army.
...zombie magic-Jesus army?
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